The Story Of Life.

Sometimes people come into your life and you know right away that they were meant to be there, to serve some sort of purpose, teach you a lesson, or to help you figure out who you are or who you want to become. You never know who these people may be (possibly your roommate, neighbor, coworker, longlost friend, lover, or even a complete stranger) but when you lock eyes with them, you know at that very moment that they will affect your life in some profound way.

And sometimes things happen to you that may seem horrible, painful, and unfair at first, but in reflection you find that without overcoming those obstacles you would have never realized your potential, strength, willpower, or heart.

Everything happens for a reason. Nothing happens by chance or by means of luck. Illness, injury, love, lost moments of true greatness, and sheer stupidity all occur to test the limits of your soul. Without these small tests, whatever they may be, life would be like a smoothly paved, straight, flat road to nowhere. It would be safe and comfortable, but dull and utterly pointless.

The people you meet who affect your life, and the success and downfalls you experience help to create who you become. Even the bad experiences can be learned from. In fact, they are probably the most poignant and important ones. If someone hurts you, betrays you, or breaks your heart, forgive them, for they have helped you learn about trust and the importance of being cautious when you open your heart. If someone loves you, love them back unconditionally, not only because they love you, but because in a way, they are teaching you to love and how to open your heart and eyes to things.

Make every day count!!! Appreciate every moment and take from those moments everything that you possibly can for you may never be able to experience it again. Talk to people that you have never talked to before, and actually listen. Let yourself fall in love, break free, and set your sights high. Hold your head up because you have every right to. Tell yourself you are a great individual and believe in yourself, for if you don’t believe in yourself, it will be hard for others to believe in you. You can make of your life anything you wish. Create your own life then go out and live it with absolutely no regrets.

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Hannah.

To many, Hannah Baker was just a fictional character first in a book then in a Netflix series that went viral. To many others who related, they saw Hannah Baker within themselves.

Many saw themselves walking beside her in the halls, as whispers grew louder and couldn’t be silenced. 

Others saw themselves in the relationships that went from best friends to looking at one another like strangers. And how having some good memories from the past can hurt.

Many saw themselves in loneliness when surrounded by so many. When you are in a sea of people, yet you feel alone, you just hope someone will understand.

Others saw themselves in the love story of being too afraid to say how you felt, out of fear the other person might not say it back. So silence broke hearts when words might have healed it. 

“I cost a girl her life because I was too afraid to love her.” 

Many, saw themselves in the rape scenes. Where fear and shock was very real, to a point where you’re frozen just wanting it to stop. Then it does. And you change. And there is no way to undo what has happened to you, so you have to live with something you didn’t choose but was forced upon you. And it takes everything in you to not blame yourself. 

Others saw themselves in how depressed Hannah was walking around trying to make sense of how complicated it is to feel things so deeply sometimes. Hiding behind a mask, because it’s easier to pretend everything was okay, then admit you need help.

Many others and I, think the hardest place people saw themselves, was in the suicide. Whether you’ve attempted yourself or thought about it, the scene made me cringe. Not just because it was so graphic, but because I know it’s so many people’s reality.

This is to you…

When suicide is the second leading cause of death for kids between the ages of 18-24, that’s more than a statistic. Those are lives that have been lost. Those are children, friends, students, peers. And way too many people who should still be here.

So to every person who isn’t a statistic…

I’m so proud of you.

I am so proud of you because I know how hard some days are.

I know how alone you feel.

I understand there’s this pain within you, you can’t shake.

I know you think ending your life is a solution. But it isn’t. All that happens when you end your pain is, you pass along to someone else. Your death is something that happens to everyone else around you.

And I know you might feel empty or feel nothing at all. Maybe you have a plan already, or a suicide note written. Maybe you know exactly how you are going to do it and when.

But I’m going to stop you there.

I’m going to ask you to stay because so many people need you here.

Because I know there is a little bit of hope left in you. I know you don’t want to end your life, you just want the pain you’re feeling to go away.

And I don’t know what is causing it for you, maybe it’s heartbreak or bullying or depression. Maybe you’re 17 too and you don’t see a future.

But, these things you are feeling, these bad days you are having, are simply preparing you for all the good that has yet to come in your life.

Stay around to see those good days.

There are still so many people who have yet to meet you. So many lives you are going to change. Love stories that need you apart of them. Because as lost as you feel and as lonely as you feel, there is somebody looking for someone just like you. Do not deny them the chance of meeting you, because you want to take your life.

I know it kind of feels like you’re alone and no one understands. I know you might be stressed and overwhelmed, not just by school or work, but about these heavy emotions consuming you and it’s taken a toll.

And you feel like a burden to people around you. You think their lives would be better if they didn’t have to worry about you so much. But they would rather worry than be weeping at your funeral blaming themselves for something they should have seen. 

But people don’t see it. Because I know like Hannah, you’re really good at hiding how you feel. I know you’ve mastered the art of keeping your head down in silence, when so many thoughts consume you, taking you to this dark negative place.

I know you feel both invisible and silent. Because you can’t even find the words to describe how you feel, you just know it’s not right.

I know how much it hurts. Even if you can’t describe what that “it” is. There’s a pain within your soul you can’t shake.

I’m going to tell you something you might not have heard in awhile. you are so strong. The fact that you can feel these things so deeply, that can only be described as hell as your mind tries to drag you into darkness. but then you still find the light.

You become a light for others because you know what it’s like to be in that deep.

You weren’t here, you simply end your life looking for the easy way out. Because nothing about that is easy.

I need you to simply do one thing for me, get it tomorrow. And when you get there, get to the next day. And when you get there, get to the one after that. One day you are going to look back at this and realize how glad you are things didn’t end when you wanted them to.

And when that day comes, and you’re standing on your own two feet, and those thoughts at night aren’t drowning you, the way I know they are right now, I want you to reach out to me and tell me you’ve made it.

Because I know you have the strength to get there. 

A bad day is only 24 hours, but the best day of your life could be tomorrow.

Hannah Baker.


Player.

Painfully blunt. 

And I know you’re going to come back at me and say, but he said this and he did that and what do think that means? I’m sure there might even be a physical relationship between you two where he tells you exactly what you want to hear.

I’m sure there are many screenshots you can send me and that you’ve probably sent your friends in a group chat, as all of them further confirm, yeah, he’s fucking with you and playing games but he definitely likes you.

That’s the mistake.

Someone who likes you, cares about you, and respects you, does not play you or lead you on.

Here’s a little something about liking someone, crushes, and relationships… when someone likes you, it’s clear as day. When someone wants to be with you, they are with you. When someone wants to see you, they move fucking mountains to make it happen.

I don’t care how busy he is or what his job is or what family problems are or what baggage he’s carrying from his past relationships. When he likes you, he will make it work.

And if he’s playing you, he doesn’t like you enough. 

And why would you want to be with someone who doesn’t respect you, who confuses you or leads you on, to think one thing then completely reverse it the next?

You aren’t here to convince someone to like you. You aren’t here to try to win them over or prove yourself.

You give your best and you hope that’s enough. Because the truth is, it is enough. It’s enough for the right person when you finally let go of the wrong one.

Here’s are things a guy who likes you won’t do:

They won’t ignore your text, then blow up your Instagram. 

They won’t send you a snap, then not answer when you reply.

They won’t cancel last minute or change plans.

They won’t have to apologize or explain themselves.

They won’t leave you confused telling you they aren’t ready.

That’s a cop out.

Excuses are a cop out.

You’re overthinking this and buying into bullshit because you want this to be something it isn’t.

You don’t have to screenshot everything and over analyze anything.

If he tells you he’s not ready, that one day he will be and you should wait. Don’t.

You don’t deserve to wait for someone.

And I’ve been there. I’ve invested a lot of time, energy, and emotions into people who for whatever reason couldn’t give me what I needed. But instead of walking away, I broke my own heart trying to be what they wanted.

The hookup that swore we’d end up together.

The player I thought I could change.

The drunk phone call that only came after closing.

The friend that cared, but needed me as a friend only.

The friends with benefits, who wasn’t ready for a relationship.

And the fucker who used social media as some pawn in a game.

The lies they told to get what they wanted, while you sacrificed what you needed to appease them… I’ve been there too. I believed it too.

I’ve seen it all. And I’ve been played every possible way someone can get played.

And some call me naive. Others call me stupid.

But I’ve also seen a lot of good relationships too. The ones where I wasn’t confused.

Here’s are things a guy who likes you will do:

They will call.

They will make plans.

They will show the fuck up.

They will answer every text, snap, and message.

They won’t have to apologize because they do everything they are supposed to.

And you won’t have to apologize for anything either.

They will heal you instead of hurting you.

They will make you confident instead of confused.

They will meet you halfway.

And when you are the right person for them, they will make themselves ready.

Because when you meet the right person you care about, the only thing that matters, is not losing them.

Your friends are trying to comfort you and ease the blow of the reality they see, that you are settling. So they’ll sugar coat it with “he is playing games, he’s unsure of himself,” etc.

But I am not your friend and I’ll be blunt. He doesn’t like you.

Because any guy who likes you, won’t hurt you and he won’t even give you time to be confused. Because he wants you sure of him.

And you don’t want to believe it, so you look for any reason this can be something and that’s what you hold onto.

You’ll ignore every red flag. 

The truth is, you can’t control how someone feels about you and you can’t love them into liking you. No matter how hard you try or the things you do, it won’t change how they feel.

But what you do have control over is, showing them what it’s like to live without you.

And it’s not easy to walk away. But sometimes the person you want most, is the one you’re best without.



I’m Fine!

Hey, how have you been?”

Maybe you’re curious. Maybe you miss me. Maybe you want to just know if I’ve moved on yet. Maybe you wonder if I’ll answer. 

It’s the single text I’ve been waiting for, so long. Just a few words. I don’t answer too quickly because I don’t want you to know I’ve been sitting by my phone hoping to hear from you. 

I’m coy with how to respond because I don’t want to seem desperate. So I try to play it cool like this conversation isn’t making my heart flip in a hundred different ways. Like every time my phone makes any movement, I jump.

So I say fine and ask how you are and we go back and forth with a casual conversation. I wanted to hear from you, but nothing is being said. At least nothing I wanted to hear.

“I miss you.”
“I’m sorry.”
“I still care.” 

And if I were to answer that question honestly, I don’t think you’d want to know the truth. 

Because the truth is, I haven’t slept in weeks and on the rare chance I do, I wake up at 3 am staring at the ceiling. 

The truth is, there are days I’m not even hungry because every other feeling completely consumes me far more than hunger pains. 

The truth is, my favorite part of the day is when I’m sleeping and not thinking about you. 

The truth is, I’m out of tears to cry over you. 

The truth is, I reach for my phone every morning, hoping today will be the day you come back into my life and my heart can heal. But I look at my phone with a hundred notifications. None being you.

I wake up and I’m exhausted. And I just want to go back to sleep. 

The truth is, I pretend to be doing well. But it takes everything in me to get out of bed some mornings and look presentable. 

It takes everything in me to look at everyone and smile, even though my heart is completely breaking. 

And I can’t talk to anyone about it because everyone is tired of hearing your name, and everyone thinks I should be over it by now.

My friends try to introduce me to people when we are out, and I smile and engage in conversation, and I really appreciate what they are doing, to try to get me to heal but the truth is, I feel like a ghost of myself simply going through the motions. 

And I don’t know what I can even offer anyone else because I feel so empty inside. 

In everyone I meet, I look for you and every one of them seems to fall short of my expectations.

I see you everywhere. In the songs I listen to. In the books I read. In the shows I watch. In the news, I wish I could tell you of something good that just happened. 

I don’t know how to fall out of love with you. And everything about you hurts me. It hurts when you’re here and it hurts when you’re gone.

So you ask how I am and the honest truth is, I’m lost without you here because so much of who I was, was because of you. So much of my happiness came down to you. 

And I know someone shouldn’t have that much of an influence on me and my life. I should be more whole than that. I should be stronger. I should be able to just move on. 

But I won’t tell you any of these things. If I told you I was falling apart in your absence, that’d just give you the satisfaction of knowing you made the right choice leaving. 

I might feel weak right now, but I have a little more pride than that.

So we’ll carry on with a conversation like it isn’t bothering me at all. 

And you’ll watch a news feed as I smile big. And you’re going to think I’m over it. 

But the honest truth is, I’m completely emotionally and physically drained pretending that losing you wasn’t the worst thing to ever happen to me.

So I’ll say fine. But nothing about me is fine. 

Destructive Relationships.

Anyone who has been in a toxic relationship knows the after effect is what people struggle with the most. You’re used to getting treated badly. You’re used to the games, manipulation, and the control. It’s trying to appease someone who is never satisfied. It’s the want and need to win someone’s love so much, so you build them up while knocking yourself down in the process. It’s watching as your walls grow higher not trusting anyone, even yourself. 

And the only person you let in is the one who caused you to be like this in the first place.

It’s a destructive relationship in which a person thinks love is supposed to hurt.

Then they meet someone else, someone who is so different and they enter this person’s life with caution. Initially rejecting the unfamiliar.

What’s hard about being with someone who has been in a toxic relationship, is the un-teaching you’ll have to do, as this person or many people brainwashed them into thinking a certain way.

1. Be patient.

You are going to notice how nervous they are. You are going to notice how they pull away when you get too close. You’ll notice how they look at you with questions filling their eyes, not doubting you, but doubting everything about themselves.

Take things slow. Don’t push them. Don’t pressure them. Because they will fold so fast under pressure in an attempt to appease you. They are used to trying really hard to make someone happy and never attaining that. 

You’ll notice how soft they are. How gentle. How kind. And you are going to wonder how anyone could have treated them badly ever.

2. Listen when they speak.

Eventually, they will tell you what happened. And when they tell you, just listen. Take it all in. Don’t say anything. Just appreciate the fact they trust you enough to confide in you. Because it’s a story that has ruined them. I say ruined, but not destroyed, because here they are. But it’s also something that haunts them, and it’s something they don’t tell people about.

Everyone is who they are for certain reasons and until they trust you enough to have that conversation where every wall comes down and every raw emotion comes out, you’ll finally understand why they are the way they are.

3. Don’t feel sorry for them.

They aren’t looking for sympathy or pity. They overcame this toxic relationship on their own. They finally had enough. And the last thing they want is you feeling sorry for something they chose. Because that’s the hardest thing about toxic relationships, it’s after the fact, they realize they chose someone who was so horrible and stayed. 

And that’s the tough pill to swallow and a tough part of anyone’s past to accept.

4. Reassure them when they have doubts.

They aren’t doubting you or questioning you. They are doubting things because of what has happened in the past. So when they ask questions and are insecure, don’t come back at them aggressively, understand that these doubts will subside when you fill them with confidence and trust.

5. Tell them everything is okay when they apologize.

They are going to apologize for everything to a point where it might annoy you. But they are used to always being wrong and trying to make it right. They are used to always being the one blamed. They are used to threats of someone walking away, demeaning them, criticizing them, and telling them they have to be different.

They will apologize because someone in their past has led them to believe they are wrong.

Accept the apology and just move one, even if they don’t have a reason to be sorry.

6. Build them up.

Remind them of their good qualities because all they’ve heard are a lot about their shortcoming.

Sometimes the best way to teach someone to love themselves is loving them first.

7. Appreciate them.

You’re going to notice after someone comes out of a toxic relationship how much they do for you. They will try so hard. And overcompensate. The truth is, everything they’ve ever done in the past has never been good enough. But what they didn’t realize then was, it was good enough but it wasn’t the right person. 

You’re going to be overwhelmed with how well they treat you and how kind they are and how they never say anything bad about people. When you know what it’s like to be torn down by words, you choose yours very carefully. 

You’re going to fall for this person and you’re going to wonder how someone didn’t see their value. But you count your blessings for it because then you wouldn’t even have met them in the first place if someone else didn’t lack judgment.

So you build them up and really show them how great they are, and there’s going to be a moment where they look at themselves differently because they are finally seeing themselves the way you and so many others have.

8. Be the example they don’t know.

Then suddenly they get to point where they can’t even imagine settling for less than this standard you set for them. They look back at the person they were then, and they aren’t filled with resentment as much as they are filled with pride for overcoming the past that was difficult even if they chose it.

And they look at you and it’s like finally, everything they’ve ever wanted in life is right in front of them and all they can say is, “thank you.”




Emotional Abuse.

Emotional abuse isn’t one where you’ll see marks or bruises anywhere, but on the inside forever shaping and altering the person forever.

It’s the unkind words. It’s the verbal threats. It’s the screaming, yelling, and fighting. It’s being torn down because someone else needs that to feel that power.

Emotional abuse can be defined by one word. Power.

It’s the control solely because the abuser lacks control in their own life, so they take it out on someone they think is below them. The want and need to control someone, is likely a cycle passed on. It’s about control and insecurities.

It’s the constant criticism, belittling, and snide comments to take someone down because maybe someone has done it to them. Maybe it’s all they know.

They think tough love is building someone up, only after you knock them down.

But every once in awhile, a victim of emotional abuse beats the cycle by not repeating it.

This person turns out to be one of the more beautiful people you meet in your life.

“The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen.” Elisabeth Kübler-Ross

When someone has been emotionally abused, the hardest part isn’t falling out of the cycle, but rather finding someone to love who isn’t like their abuser.

A lot of times when someone has been abused, they look for similar qualities in every person after because there is still the want, need, and approval of someone like them. There is the want to be loved the way your abuser couldn’t. And trying so hard for it. So the cycle they find themselves in isn’t one where they treat someone poorly, but rather they continue to find others who treat them the same way.

People who have been emotionally abused, manipulated, and brainwashed begin to believe they are worthless, unlovable, and they will never find someone else.

So they settle in love thinking the best they will ever get are the relationships that make them cry themselves to sleep. They settle in love thinking, walking on eggshells, and fearing someone is normal. They settle in love thinking it’s supposed to hurt and not heal.

Until one day, they meet someone who goes against everything they’ve ever known. This person runs their fingers across their sharp edges showing them it’s not them that is at fault for the broken pieces. This person wants to put the pieces back together, but they don’t. Instead of cutting themselves trying to fix this person, they leave the pieces of their past on the floor and they walk away.

Sometimes the best way to love someone isn’t trying to fix them, but rather accepting them.

They are taught this is how you deserve to be loved. They show them it isn’t supposed to hurt. They teach them the power of kind words and how building someone up is what you’re supposed to do. They love them and give without expecting something in return.

They don’t use a tactic of manipulation, but rather an appreciation.

We fear what we don’t know.

Many people who have been emotionally abused, fear something so new and foreign to them. It’s like they are waiting for this person to lose their shit. They are waiting for a fight to break out. They are on edge because they’ve been trained to be in the past. They expect someone always leaving. And they don’t look at themselves with admiration and a sense of strength, but weakness.

They’ve been told they are weak.

Then this new person loves them and shows them the only reason that person from your past tried to knock you down so many times, was because they didn’t want you to see the strength within yourself. They didn’t want you to wake up and realize you’re better off without them. They kept you locked away from discovering the beauty that you are because they needed to control something and someone. They went after you not because you were weak, but because denying you of your strength made them feel powerful.

But walking away and not looking back steals back the power they used to hold over you.

And it’s in that moment you win back your life and freedom.

When you love someone who has been emotionally abused, there’s a silence to them and things you’ll never know. You’ll look in their eyes and see both pain and hope. You’ll watch them from afar and understand that sometimes the most beautiful people got what they deserved least. And more than falling in love with them, comes the task of teaching them to love themselves. And there is a beauty to that. A moment it clicks where she’ll see herself the way everyone else does, and she’ll never let someone treat her bad again.


Dancing With My Demons.

To outsiders looking in, bipolar mania comes in many forms. During these emotional highs, I become full of energy and overly excited about life. Mania can be mild, moderate, or severe, so you may not always link my happiness and elation with a mood disorder. Sometimes, all you see is a fun, optimistic, and upbeat person — the life of the party. But other times, you may notice erratic behaviors with their joyful mood.

I may become more talkative, to the point where others can’t get a word in. I may also speak fast, or come off as impulsive and easily distracted. While this may be confusing for you, this can be a great time for people living with bipolar.

The mania part is awesome. I have tons of energy and don’t want to stop.

The best part of mania is, that I’m so optimistic about everything. You could crash a car through my house and I’d reply, “What a great time to build something new!” I’m my most creative during this process, so I’m doing as much as possible to capitalize on it. Artistic or constructive, I’m up for anything.

I have the most fun running around and entertaining people, making them laugh, and acting like a big clown. I get a lot of satisfaction from the laughs and smiles I can get out of people. It makes me feel invincible.

Every morning I wake up ready to go, even if I didn’t get much sleep the night before. I don’t really need that much sleep, so I just go and go and do so much. I see all my friends, have a blast, get everything done on my to-do list, and more.

And do I talk. I’m all over the place, dominating every conversation. I’ve been told I talk too fast and switch topics so quickly that it’s hard for others to keep up with me. Sometimes I can’t keep up with myself.

Unfortunately, this is when I go out more, spend all my money, and shop too much.

An upside to the mania is that my sex drive goes haywire. I crave a lot more sex during this period and sometimes it’s a bit much for my boyfriend.

During my mania, I feel like a god. I feel like I can do anything, so my self-worth skyrockets. I can’t explain it, but when the mania burns out, I’ve got nothing left. Without the highs of mania, I wouldn’t be able to tolerate the lows of depression.

Mania isn’t the only symptom of bipolar. People living with this disorder also have periods of depression and alternate between extreme highs and extreme lows. You may be all too familiar with these extremes and unpredictable moods.

I could be laughing and having a great time one day. And then the next day, I disconnect from the family and isolate myself for no apparent reason. I have little to say, become easily irritated, or lose motivation, which can be a difficult time for everyone. I may also simply revert to a normal amount of energy without symptoms of depression. I can remain like this until the next manic episode occurs.

When I’m depressed, I want to be left alone. It’s not that I want to be by myself; I want everyone to disappear. I don’t want to go anywhere, see anyone, or do anything. It’s like no matter what I do, people are telling me I’m doing something wrong. So, the easiest way to feel better is to hide.

Seeing all those people carrying on, living their happy little lives is an annoying reminder of my bipolar disorder and how I’ll never have that kind of stability. What’s worse is hearing all the people I “entertain” while in my mania talk about how quiet I am and that I’m not entertaining. Do they try to cheer me up, or do something to make me laugh? No. They just want their clown back. It’s annoying.

No matter what it is — work, hanging out with friends, exercise — I don’t enjoy things because the smallest details annoy me. If friends invite me out, I imagine waiting for the bus, being crammed against angry people, waiting in lines, and all the other negative things. I think of every possible downside of something, which leaves me dreading the idea of doing anything.

I turn into this grumpy old woman. I’ve contemplated suicide and have attempted it once before.

But the more I understand the problem, the more I know that the depression is temporary and I don’t always think clearly during it. That self-reminder helps me from doing anything stupid.

When I think about the future, I don’t like what I see. I can only envision more troubles, endless work, and an endless string of letdowns.

This is what I imagine it’s like for everyone else — you know, normal people. I wake up in the morning and I feel fine. I don’t dread going about my day. I go to work, get things done, and have plenty of energy throughout the day.

I can roll with the punches the average day gives me. I’m not freaking out over small problems, I enjoy the little things, and I’m not loathing the future.

I feel normal and it’s how I see myself. I’m not some lunatic running around or some mopey, lazy slug.

I honestly wish I could stay in this mindset all the time, but I know that won’t happen. I’ve accepted that my moods will change on their own, so I enjoy the calm more when it’s there.

Bipolar is unpredictable. Take it one day at a time. Healing doesn’t happen overnight, and it’s completely normal to worry about your loved one during their mania and depressive episodes. You may fear them making reckless or irresponsible decisions, and harming themselves during an emotional low.

Bipolar can be a lifelong struggle. The more you learn about the condition, the easier it’ll be to offer support. People with bipolar cannot control their emotions or moods. Remember, bipolar isn’t a sign of weakness. It is a mental illness. Avoid insensitive or negative comments like “snap out of it,” or “get a grip.”

Let them know you’re there to help in any way you can. Offering practical assistance can reduce their stress level and help keep their emotions under control. For example, help out around their house or offer to research local support groups for them.

Bipolar is a real disease that can have a huge impact on friends and loved ones. Treatment may help control symptoms. These include mood stabilizers, and for some people, antidepressants, anti-anxiety medication, exercise, and nutrition. Some people also benefit from counseling and support groups.

Have faith!