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Self Made.

I can talk to you about broken families, addiction, depression, loss, survival, grief, headache, death, abuse, neglect, abandonment, suicide, and betrayal. I can also talk to you about empathy, kindness, compassion, love, energy, forgiveness, self-love, self-care, peace, strength, healing, recovery, unity, gratitude, grace, hope, and power of positivity. All of these experiences have taken part in creating the woman I am today. I am a combination of both the light and the darkness. I may be flawed but even with rough edges I’m still worth loving. I am not ashamed of my story anymore. I am a survivor

In the depths of hell, I learned who I was. It takes a strong soul to endure so much pain and heartache and still make it out alive; to not get stuck in the deep burning pit of misery. It takes a resilient creature to claw their way back up out of the darkness and back into a reality where your nightmares turn into dreams. I been trying to stay strong for 43 years of my life so far, and I pray to God each and every day and night that he stays beside me, guides me and helps me turn my nightmares into dreams 

Suicide vs. Suicidal: When someone ends up committing suicide, everyone’s there. They feel sad, they say they didn’t “see the signs,” they talk about how amazing you were and so forth. BUT, if you tell someone you’re suicidal, everything is different, no one wants to solve the problem, as a matter of fact half of the time they act like it isn’t a problem, that you will never “do it” that’ll just “go away.” They treat it like a joke, well let me tell you something, being suicidal isn’t a joke, people do consider it as only an option, and treating the problem like it doesn’t matter will get you nowhere, the only place it’s going to get you is to a funeral. Suicide isn’t something to take lightly, when someone is suicidal they are crying for help, not attention. And the biggest cry for help may be the sound of silence. So, if someone tells you that they’re suicidal, don’t push them away, instead try to be the one to keep them here. Folks, I am not only talking about myself, but for everyone else as well. It doesn’t matter if you have suicidal “thoughts” OR you actually had suicidal “attempts.” Suicide AND suicidal is a real thing and shouldn’t be ignored. I been taken for a joke when I told family & friends I’m suicidal and want to end it all, no one actually thought I would follow thru with it. But if I actually did, and they found me dead, then they would’ve wished they took me more seriously and helped me. But it would’ve been too late by then. Hopefully, it will never come to that. BUT…

Sometimes the smallest steps in the right direction ends up being the biggest steps of your life. Tip toe if you must, but take the step.  When I was deep into my addiction, I was terrified of change bc I didn’t know any other way on how to live my life other than constantly being high 24/7. I was also terrified to feel feelings, I was too numb to feel anything. And if you ever experienced addiction or have any knowledge of it, you’ll understand me. But becoming clean was ONE of my MANY greatest accomplishments. I am NO longer ashamed of who I WAS bc it made me WHO I AM TODAY. I had 2 choices: live or die. And that’s when I knew I HAD to change in order to live a good life. It took me a long time to adjust to the real world without having to use, and after all these years, I’m still trying to adjust. I also still have my struggles, but I pull through no matter how big the obstacle is & keep a positive mind & stay strong thru it all. I am no longer ashamed of my story;

Speaking of story, to make a LONG story short, as I got further into my sobriety, I found myself and discovered WHO I REALLY AM. And I’m one hell of a beautiful woman with a HUGE heart & loving soul. Along my LONG, NEVER ENDING journey, I finally know what it’s like to feel, & it’s an amazing feeling to be able to experience feelings (most times) bc that’s how we grow and learn to appreciate even the smallest things & big things, including life.

More words of wisdom: Feelings come and go. There is no need to crave them. Be open to your feelings & experience them while they are here. Then be open to the feelings that will come next. Your feelings are a part of your experience. I LOVE SOBER LIFE!!! Those who care will ask how you’re doing. People who love you will wait till you tell the truth. And that’s why Robin Williams said, “I used to think that the worst thing in life was to end up being alone, it’s not.” “The worst thing in life is to end up with people who make you feel alone.” You don’t recover from an addiction by never picking up again. You recover by creating a new life where it is easier to not use. If you don’t create a new life, then all the factors that brought you to your addiction will eventually catch up with you again #StayStrong #StayPositive#RemainHumble#KeepBelieving#YouGotThis.

I never dreamed of becoming an addict. I suffered for so long and missed out on so many things in life, but in the end, I’ve survived, I no longer let my addiction take over me. I made it out alive & got clean on my own after so many failed attempts in rehabs. I’m living proof that ANYONE can turn their life around if you set your mind to it, and want it!! I am a strong woman 💪. Everything that’s hit me in life I’ve dealt with on my own 😒. I’ve cried myself to sleep many many times 💤…I’ve thought about suicide, but am still alive…I picked myself back up & wiped my own tears 🙂…I have grown from things meant to break me . I get stronger by the day & I have God to thank for that 🙏 Healing is not an overnight process it takes time. Sometimes you’ll feel like you’re finally over something & happy again & the wound will reopen. Don’t give up, don’t get discouraged. Take each day one step at a time. Just try to be in a better place mentally. 

Yes, I’ve seen better days , but I’ve also seen worse . I don’t have everything I want , but I do have all I need . I woke up with some aches & pains , but I woke up . My life might not be perfect , but I am blessed 😇. Folks, idk any other way to put this, but my life is like a calendar  , I take it one day at a time  Getting your shit together requires a level of honesty you can’t even imagine. Ain’t nothing easy about realizing you’re the one that’s been holding you back this whole time. That your lack of discipline is the answer to some of those “why not me” questions you ask  I’m a person that has high highs & low lows. A lot of things make me sad. Sometimes it’s almost easier to be sad. But you end up finding a balance, & I think that as I get older, I am learning what I can do for myself to make me happy. It’s a lot of hard work, but I’m trying to find balance and place in life. I’ll get there sooner or later. And better late then never.

Happiness is a choice not a result. Nothing will make you happy until you choose to be happy. No person will make you happy unless you decide to be happy. Your happiness will not come to you, it can only come from you. Don’t forget that you’re human. It’s ok to have a meltdown. Just don’t unpack and live there. Cry it out, then refocus on where you’re headed.

I’m not a religious person, but however; I am VERY spiritual. And yes, I do believe in God. God is consciousness, not a creator. God is the source of creation itself. It (not he or she) IT is not independent of you. It is totality of everything. So when I call myself God I am not talking about my personal self, I am talking about the expression of the God self that rests inside of me. The verb, the ENERGY, not the noun. Once you think God is a noun, person, place or thing, you separate yourself from it and immediately become a limited being. That’s what separates the believers (religious) from the knowers (spiritual).

CTW #SelfMadeselfmade

 

7 thoughts on “Self Made.”

  1. You are a strong person. More power to you ❤ I have been suicidal too in my life but thankfully now I have gotten my shit together. I am happy and fulfilled. I am glad that you are happy too 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

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