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What We Got Wrong About Modern Dating.

If you asked me what the problem was, I think it comes down to fear.

We fear giving up our freedom and options, so we never commit.

We fear getting hurting, so we never take a chance on really loving someone.

We fear rejection, so we don’t even try anymore.

We fear pain, so we carelessly relationship hop, hurting one another before they beat us to it.

The want and need for immediate gratification lead to us giving up on people a little too quickly. Looking for flaws and any sort of shortcoming that will give us an excuse to walk away instead of trying harder.

What a lot of people don’t realize is initially you are going to see every difference at first. We are programmed to do that. But in time you learn to love those flaws. But all of those things take time and chances. A fair chance that people aren’t giving each other anymore.

Because if one message leads to an unmatch and your response is to look at yourself and what you said wrong, you are focusing on the wrong thing and that isn’t the right person, even if you were to say the right thing. And if you are overcome with fear of saying one wrong thing, you’ll never be able to truly be yourself.

I’m all for dating apps and trying them out, I just think people are going into them with the wrong mindset.

You download a dating app and you’re suddenly afraid to say you want a relationship.

You download a dating app and you’re suddenly afraid to say I want a real date.

You download a dating app and you’re expected to just want a hookup. But people aren’t programmed to just hookup.

You’ll always feel empty engaging in physical relationships if you don’t even try to form an emotional one.

We aren’t getting what we want in relationships because we are too afraid of asking for it, so we settle for things that look and feel like it could be the real thing and we get disappointed when we aren’t met with what we didn’t ask for.

It’s okay to want a relationship in a generation that shames most people for even saying that.

Dating is calling her, actually picking up the phone and calling her on a Monday to see if she’s free on a Friday and if she says yes, you make a reservation.

Dating shouldn’t be just meeting up for drinks. It’s having an actual meal together without looking at your phone. It’s seeing if you can hold a conversation, and if you enjoy each other’s company.

Dating isn’t some meetup that’s casual. Dating is getting in your car and picking her up and driving her home and telling her you had a good night, then texting her when you’re home safely thanking her again.

Dating shouldn’t be playing hard to get, and waiting to answer being too afraid if you responded too quickly, it should be answering right when you see it and when you can because if you are confident in yourself, you’re not going to care what someone might think of you.

Dating today has become this game of robbing each other’s confidence and seeing who cares less, because for some reason those people are getting the upper hand.

We’ve grown to fear rejection so much we swipe through our phones on a night out instead of going up to someone we find attractive and going for it. We turned into a generation that needs validation and confirmation before we act. That takes away the fun part of dating. And the fun part of dating is taking a chance on someone when you aren’t sure, but it feels right.

Dating isn’t if they blow up your phone and text you all the time and tag you in shit. It’s not getting excited because they liked your Instagram post or looked at your story.

Those things are just a distraction and a tool used to confuse one another, and we all fall for it. The right relationship isn’t going to be on your phone, it’s going to be the person standing next to you in real life making you feel good and secure.

Dating isn’t some late night text you send when you’re out with your boys and you didn’t seal the deal with someone else so you text the girl you kind of sort of made plans with, but didn’t confirm hoping she’ll meet up later.

Dating is going into a night and knowing where you’re going to wake up tomorrow and that you want it to be with just one person. It’s shutting down anyone else that hits on you because you’re flattered, but you already have it great.

It’s not rushing to get out of there in the morning milking a hangover. You are going to enjoy being there with them because there isn’t anyone you’d rather have next to you.

Modern dating today fills everyone with anxiety, doubt, and confusion when in reality you should be standing next to someone you are sure of.

Dating isn’t some passive aggressive post you hope they see and take the hint. Dating is addressing the problem if there is one and finding a solution.

Dating isn’t the WCW (woman crush Wednesday) and needing that and a hundred likes, it’s being so sure of the other, you don’t need that.

Dating isn’t some relationship with blurry lines and something that isn’t labeled, wondering if you can post that picture or not. Dating is not even having to ask the other person in the first place.

Dating isn’t keeping your options open its meeting the right person and committing to them, because none of us should be afraid of commitment.

It’s meeting the person’s friends and family when they already know about you and they are excited to meet you too.

It’s sharing in vulnerable moments because that’s what forms emotional connections. It’s realizing vulnerability isn’t a sign of weakness, but essential.

Dating is realizing how different sex actually is when you’re sharing it with someone you care about, and not just doing it because that’s expected when you go home with someone you don’t even know in the first place.

It’s realizing casual relationships aren’t what you want and it’s okay to start asking for what you do.

It’s not analyzing your reflection or fixating upon what you say because if someone is going to judge you that quickly, then that’s on them and it’s their loss they didn’t take the time to get to know you.

It’s meeting someone and not being afraid of telling them “you make me happy.” ” I’m really glad I met you.” “I’m enjoying this, and it feels right.”

Relationships are supposed to be so much easier than we are making them out to be.

It’s realizing how childish it is to mess with one another just because someone has hurt you, confused you, or left you in the dark.

It’s rising above that and making a choice to date differently than what has become modern normal dating.

Dating is complicated enough without making it any harder for ourselves.

Stay honest. Stay genuine. Date in the fashion representing the relationship you’d like to have in your life, don’t date fearfully lowering your standards just because no one else knows how.


3 thoughts on “What We Got Wrong About Modern Dating.”

  1. My experience of dating for a couple of years was…educational, literally. I discovered that dating wasn’t the right way for me to meet the kind of person I wanted to be with. I’d tried online dating and submitting myself to the whole awful experience of feeling like an object on an online shopping website and the shallow mentality that can instil in us. I tried the blind date experience of being set up to meet someone that someone thought might be right for me. I finally figured out that it was all the wrong way round. Too much pressure to try to assess whether we got along and the obvious emphasis on gauging one another’s mutual attraction. It was counter-productive. I was looking for a best friend and, for me, that’s the right place to start.

    So I decided that putting myself in situations where I could get to know a ‘person’ over an extended period of time, rather than a woman I might find attractive on a date that lasted a couple of hours, was the better road to go down if I wanted something deeper. Courses, classes and other places you can meet people and have something mutually engaging to talk about. Getting to know someone over time lets each person get a better understanding of who they are and what they’re about minus the assessment pressure to decide if they could be someone you want to keep seeing. If a friendship develops then it develops on friendship terms and real attractiveness has a time to build between you, versus the instant attractiveness that ‘dating’ seems to demand of both people. If no real attraction develops then at least you have a friend in one another, instead of another awful dating experience where you or they felt rejected and discouraged.

    In the end, dating was exhausting and I ended up feeling bad about myself, feeling that I wasn’t good enough etc. But for some people it does seem to work. Just not me.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Everyone has their own preferences. In my opinion, I’d stay off dating sites bc in my experience I’ve found nothing but perverts and scammers on those sites. Blind dating isn’t for me. But maybe you’re looking in the wrong places. Why don’t you let “her” look for you?? The right woman will come along eventually, better sooner than later, and better late than never. There’s someone for out there for everyone darling.

      Liked by 2 people

      1. Oh, I was talking about my experiences from years ago. This is how I found out about the horrors of dating sites and that one blind date I had was the last! It helped me realise that my previous relationships were formed on the basis of friendships, not dating. I’ve been in a happy partnership since not long after that realisation. I stopped actively looking too, as you mentioned. And we kind of found each other by accident.

        Liked by 1 person

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