Open Topic

We Don’t Date Anymore.

We make plans just to cancel last-minute because we’d rather stay home alone watching Netflix or play on our phone, then go out with our friends.

We make plans just to cancel with no real reason. With commitment comes fear, expectations, and pressure we put on ourselves.

We don’t go on dates. We meet out for drinks.

We don’t hold open doors or pull out chairs, because the word “chivalry” doesn’t mean much anymore. Splitting a bill is what’s fair, but when did that become out of date
or old fashion?

Talking has been replaced with texting.

Phone calls make people uncomfortable.

This device attached to all of our hands has added ridiculous pressure and unnecessary stress.

Because texting is one thing, but snapchat and texts don’t mean as much. From looking at someone’s story to liking something they post. But don’t do it too quickly because you don’t want to seem eager.

Admitting how you feel has been replaced with not feeling, because the person who cares more gets hurt.

Taking chances on people has been replaced with trusting no one but yourself.

Everyone seems to be overcome with fear of being led on, hurt, or fucked with. We end up doing it to each other.

We don’t approach people when we’re out because we need security that they feel the same way. So we take out our phones swiping, hoping maybe they are there too.

Matches on some apps are just some ego boost because we are curious how someone else might feel, and if they swiped right first.

We don’t always answer.
Then judge people too harshly, without even meeting them in person or giving them a fair shot.

Then we judge ourselves putting filtered versions on everything.
Painting this life we know isn’t real.
Overcome with wanting to make everyone else jealous of what we are doing,
where we are, and how much fun we are having.
When in reality, sometimes we aren’t.

We are all guarded.
And jaded.
And afraid.

We say we want relationships, but we refuse to give up our freedom.
We say we want commitment, but run the first chance someone seems serious about us. Then we call them clingy.

We say we want to be loved, yet we don’t know how to love anyone but ourselves.
Even there I think a lot of people struggle.

Because ghosting has become normal and the slow fade out is acceptable, then we question ourselves.

We’ve replaced the word “goodbye” and finding resolutions with silence, because it’s easier to unfollow someone and block their number then explain what we didn’t like because the truth is, sometimes we don’t even know.

And if you don’t actually say goodbye and end things.
You can come back when you feel like.
And everyone does.
That text out of the blue.
That notification.

If we were all honest with ourselves and our relationships, we’d see how silly it is
some of the things that have become normal.

The word “relationships” has gotten replaced with everything that appears like one, giving people relationship benefits without having to work for it.

Sex has become normal and not something to value.

We go from person to person, struggling to understand what’s missing. When you replace physical relationships with emotional ones, you are always going to feel like something is missing. Because people need both parts.

We shy away from a single person even if we care, because we want our options open.

Everyone says dating is hard, but we don’t make it any easier.
Living according to rules we don’t agree with or understand.

So if you want to change the way we date, start by changing the way you do.

Because maybe you can’t change everyone and you certainly will get hurt sometimes, but if you live according to your own standards even if it conflicts with what is normal, you are eventually going to meet someone who is just as tired of the BS we’ve created. Then together you’ll be happy.


Open Topic

You Deserve This Guy…

He’s the one who is willing to come pick you up and not just meet you somewhere.

The guy who makes plans he sticks to. The one who will call you on a Monday to take you out on Friday and he cares enough to make a reservation.

Because he wants to take you to his favorite places and experience it with you.

He’s the one who isn’t going to have time for games or nonsense. Someone who is so nice, honest, and so real, you question it. But you also value it.

Because something so simple as an answered text or reaching out first shouldn’t mean much, but it does.

The guy you can sit with in a car and the silence isn’t awkward. The one who plays your favorite artist even though he hates her. But smiles looking at you as you sing along. The one who will lean over and kiss you at a red light. Then hold your hand as he’s driving with one hand.

The one who watches you out of the corner of his eye and you feel your face get a little red.

The guy who can make you laugh not because the joke is funny, but because of how hard he laughs at himself.

The guy who knows what a real date is. From holding open doors and pulling out chairs. The type of guy who stands up when you excuse yourself from the table and lets you order first. The guy who doesn’t let you even try to pick up the tab. He just says, ‘you’ll get the next one.’ But for some reason next doesn’t happen, because he keeps saying the same thing.

The guy who stands on the outside of the sidewalk because a real gentleman knows that’s still a thing. The type of guy who holds the umbrella over you even though he’s getting wet.

The one who will send flowers to your office or chocolate just because.

The guy who can’t wait to introduce you to his family because he can’t stop talking about you to them. When he brings you around to meet his friends, they already know about you.

The type of guy who values sex and knows to wait.

His hand you hold during a cab ride and the smile where not much needs to be said, but you feel it.

The thoughts that cross your mind not just when it’s late and you’ve had too much to drink, but when it’s 2 in the afternoon and you just want to know how his day is going.

He’s the text when you’re out with your friends not needing to talk to you, but he says something simple like ‘I hope you’re having fun I’m thinking of you.’ The one who makes sure you got home safely.

He’s the trust you have in someone when you used to think you can only trust yourself.

Different is the only word you can come up with.

He’s the arms that pull you closer when you are tossing and turning at night. The one you wake up next to and you don’t rush leaving. He’s the five more minutes that might make you late. The goodbye for now, not for good.

He’s the resolution when there’s a fight because in the past, you’ve always been used to people leaving. But together you work through it.

The guy who is going to build you up in every sense of the word because he knows you don’t need him to succeed and do well, but he wants to be a part of it.

The one who has never tried to change you from the moment you met. Even though you have your own flaws, shortcomings, and vices.

What he fails to realize is, his love and support is what makes you a better women.

He looks at you in a way no one else has before and with him, you feel safe. You feel at home. in the arms of someone you never thought would come to mean this much. But it is in him you find the better parts of yourself.


Open Topic

If I Never Met You.

If I never met you, my favorite show would probably be different. The one you swore I’d like and made me binge watch, even though I didn’t want to.

If I never met you, I probably wouldn’t know what real love was and what it meant to blindly take a chance on someone.

If I never met you, I probably wouldn’t know what being truly happy and content meant, but with you I was.

If I never met you, I probably wouldn’t have learned to see myself through someone else’s eyes.

If I never met you, I probably wouldn’t freeze every time I hear that song, getting taken back to moments where slow dances in the kitchen were simple and enough.

If I never met you, I probably wouldn’t have fallen in love with that small city where we met realizing I can find home thousands of miles away.

If I never met you, I would probably be a little more afraid of leaving, but I realize there is so much to be found in places I’ve never been. Because if people like you exist in other places, I hope I meet them too.

If I never met you, I probably wouldn’t crave that food at 2am, the one we’d always stop for before we went home.

If I never met you, I probably wouldn’t be as educated and well-rounded about politics, because I always wanted to beat you in our debates that you won.

If I never met you, there’d be documentaries unwatched. Books unread. Movies I’d never even care to sit through. Songs unheard. Food untried. And restaurants that became ours.

If I never met you, there would be pictures I might not cling to so tightly. And memories I don’t play on repeat in my mind.

If I never met you, I wouldn’t know what loss actually felt like, and that sometimes someone’s absence can bring you to your knees.

If I never met you, I wouldn’t know the pain I felt when it ended, but I also wouldn’t know true happiness and love.

Moments where 2am met me with your arms pulling me in.

Moments where your fingers ran through my hair, and the touch I still crave.

Moments where I’d freeze in the moment, wondering how I got so lucky.

Moments where my favorite flowers sat on the table, ‘just because.’

Moments where that goodbye, broke us both.

If I never met you, I wouldn’t know what tough love was.

I wouldn’t know about the games they play and be able to predict every move.

If I never met you, I wouldn’t know how well to read people. And that sometimes they aren’t what they seem.

If I never met you, I wouldn’t know about patience.

Because you tested me time and time again.

But I refused to give up on you.

If I never met you, I wouldn’t know that sometimes the most beautiful people are the ones who endure the worst of things, but come out on the other end resilient.

If I never met you, I wouldn’t know what it meant to never stop fighting for someone you love, because I would have never given up on you.

I would have missed out on slow dances. And corny jokes. And that movie we watched in your basement. On a date I refused to call one.

The place you took me that was yours. If I told you I still go back there, would you think I’m crazy?

Walks on the beach, where we got lost in each other’s company.

Conversations, where you seemed to understand everything I was thinking and feeling.

If I never met you, I would have missed so many kisses. The ones that made me lose my breath.

You always seemed to go after the things you wanted, and for long it was me. I admired you for that.

If I never met you, I wouldn’t know what it’s like to learn from someone.

I wouldn’t know about my own strength, because you pushed me past my breaking point on so many occasions.

I wouldn’t know what it meant to look at someone after screaming with frustration, but somehow find a resolution. Because no matter how bad it was or what was said, we always found our way back to each other.

If I never met you, I probably wouldn’t have had to heal.

Finding comfort in the arms of strangers, because goodbye without the word left me falling to my knees.

When you put faith in someone and they walk away, that’s enough to change you into someone you aren’t.

If I never met you, I wouldn’t know about my vices. The ones I blamed you for, but in doing so, I learned to take ownership of my life.

If I never met you, I wouldn’t know what it’s like to get up again after falling so hard.

If I never met you, there might have been a lot of tears I didn’t spend crying myself to sleep at night. But I would have missed out on every good moment too.

The birthday you showed up for when you swore you weren’t coming.

The New Years where you stayed on the phone with me until midnight.

That moment you won your biggest game and I stood in an empty gym waiting for you to come out of the locker room, and I jumped from the bleachers into your arms telling you how proud I am of you.

If I never met you, I wouldn’t know what it’s like to have a relationship that’s a team because as much as you wanted me succeeding and doing well, I wanted the same. As much as I was your fan, you were mine.

The night out where slurred words spoke a sober heart. And you kissed me unapologetically.

You too learned to be patient with me, because I didn’t trust too many people before you. And after you, you were the only one I believed in.

That “I love you” I waited so long to hear.

If I never met you, I think I’d spend the rest of my life missing you, searching for someone who makes me feel a little more whole.

If I never met you, sometimes I wonder about the person I’d be today.

I wonder would I have accomplished as much or was it your support and love that pushed me?? Our teamwork and our ability to do anything we set our mind to. The truth is when you stood next to me, I felt like anything was possible.

I looked at you like you were truly one of the best people I’ve ever known. Someone I feel lucky to have loved.

If I never met you, I wonder what my standard would be for what I expect. Because you opened every door, you paid every tab, you were one of the few people who cared enough to make sure I stood on the inside of a sidewalk, even though I didn’t like that.

If I never met you, I wouldn’t know what it’s like to just look at someone across the room and be happy.

I wouldn’t know about sacrifice because at one point, I would have gone anywhere and done anything for you.

I never stopped trying with you. I never gave up on you. Because you always seemed worth it.
And when people told me to walk away, I couldn’t seem to.

If I never met you, I wouldn’t know what it’s like to have someone love me at my worst. Because at moments of rock bottom when I was a version of myself neither of us recognized, you stayed.

When I was difficult to deal with and unkind, you tried to understand. When I did things I wasn’t proud of, you forgave me, helping me to learn.

If I never met you, there are so many nights I would have missed out on laughing over beers.

Conversations at 2am where we were just so honest.

A connection I didn’t think I’d find in someone else. I don’t know what it was we had, but I am so happy to have had it.

If I never met you, I wouldn’t know how far I could push myself because you never let me settle.
You were always that voice reminding me what I could do.

If I never met you, there is an entire genre of books I probably wouldn’t have read.

Bars I wouldn’t have cared to go to just to see you and spend time with you.

If I never met you, there are trips I probably wouldn’t have gone on because you were always the one who told me to take chances in life.

I wouldn’t know what it meant to learn to rely on myself because even though I turned to you often, you taught me about my own strength.

If I never met you, I probably would still be afraid of three words I swore I wouldn’t say again.
But they escaped my mouth so easily with you.

If I never met you, I wouldn’t know what it’s like to be truly vulnerable and watch every wall come crashing down telling you things I hadn’t even admitted to myself out loud.

If I never met you, I probably wouldn’t listen as closely to certain songs. And have a single artist I hear and in his voice I see your ghost singing along with me.

Moments where I asked you to drive me home just so I could spend more time with you.

Moments where you’d call ahead to where I was drinking just to buy me a round.

Moments you really went out of your way for me.

Moments where you really appreciated me, valued me, and thanked me for what I did. But I looked at you in awe.

Moments where I’d come running into your arms sharing in my accomplishments, I can still hear your voice telling me how proud you are of all I’ve done.

But you were also there for the bad days too.

It was in you I learned how selfless love is.

Because I had to let you go even when I wanted to hold on tighter.

If I never met you, I probably wouldn’t look for you in everyone because it was in you I found parts of myself

If I never met you, I wouldn’t know about loyalty. Because you stood by me through everything.

If I never met you, my life would be a little less funny because you always knew how to make me laugh on days I couldn’t even smile.

If I never met you, there would probably be shows I didn’t go to, the ones you took me to. Or the ones I went to when you played.

Standing front row watching you.

Songs you sang to me that I still replay smiling.

Slow dances where you made me feel like I was the only one in the room.

If I never met you, I wouldn’t know what it’s like to have someone learn me so well that they change their behavior just to appease me and make my life easier.

Because there were things I didn’t like, and you were so easy-going just wanting to make me happy.

If I never met you, I wouldn’t have known a family that became my own. Being welcome into holiday traditions and gifts that didn’t matter, because spending time with you was enough.

If I never met you, I wouldn’t have known what it was like to have someone meet me halfway.

If I never met you, I probably wouldn’t have such high standards. Because you taught me chivalry isn’t dead even if you were the only one acting that way.

If I never met you, I would have missed out on so many mornings where you say something simple like, “good morning beautiful.” Or always say “goodnight, sleep well.”

Moments where you showed up for every big moment and when I look back, you’re there.

The birthdays. The family parties. The funeral. The vacations. The celebrations. And graduations. And jobs with promotions. The moments that broke us, but we had each other.

You built me up and made me so much better than I ever thought I could be. Love does that to a person.

If I never met you, I wouldn’t have changed for the better.

Some question soul mates, but I meet certain people and I know we were meant to meet each other for a reason. The love I felt doesn’t fade nor is it forgotten, but keeping me whole even when they leave.

I believe there are some connections within us that will forever keep us bonded. And relationships that might end, but love isn’t something that has to.



Open Topic

Why She Chooses Emotionally Unavailable Men.

She’s the one who was always in control of her life. The one with a plan. The one who enjoys playing by her own rules.

Then love came into the picture. And it wasn’t some half-hearted love story. It was the real thing. It was the relationship that changed her. The relationship where she put it all on the line for someone else. The relationship she let someone in so close that when they hurt her, she lost herself. And in a desperate attempt to try to win him back she became almost completely opposite of the version of who she knew herself to be.

But she healed. Or pretended to. And as time went by she made a promise to herself, she would never put a man before her priorities or goals. That when she falls in love again, it won’t come with such sacrifice. But love for her didn’t come, because she put up such high walls and she wouldn’t let anyone in. Or the people she did let close to her, were the men who were challenging. The men who didn’t require commitment. The men who kept her at arm’s length too.

She swore she wanted a relationship, but she was still overcome with fear of someone entering her life and changing in a way that would mess up her routine. So instead of falling for decent men, she’d fall for ones she knew had the common theme of the same ending. Something not working out. Her getting hurt, let down, and disappointed again. At least if she was choosing these types of people, she knew what the ending would be.

It wouldn’t be one where she’s jumping on the first plane she could, pouring her heart out, almost risking everything for a single person. She fell in love, she got hurt, and she lost the person she used to be. The one who believed in love so deeply.

The truth is, it isn’t that she doesn’t know real love or know what it’s like to have it reciprocated. She knows it’s power and when she got it right, she changed and was willing to do anything for that other person.

She thought back to the pain and the tears she cried, questioning her self-worth. She made the decision no one would ever make her feel that way if she had any say in it.

You might say she dates foolishly going for a certain type who never commits or gives her what she deserves, but what she’s really doing is protecting herself.

When she goes for emotionally unavailable men, she’s still maintaining a relationship whether it’s physical, emotional, or both. All people need that. But she keeps them at a distance.

Even a person who has been hurt the worst needs part of what appears like a relationship to emotionally function. So she goes for these people who give that to her, without strings attached or obligations.

What it comes down to is control. But to obtain a healthy relationship requires each person to give up their control and trust someone else. Be vulnerable. Be available when the other person needs you. It’s making someone else a priority. And that’s what she struggles with.

So she chooses people that won’t make her a priority either. She chooses someone who isn’t going to commit because under the surface what appears like she’s so strong, is fear of commitment and fear of being the one who gets hurt again.

She learned that the one who cares more and shows it, is the one that gets left. So even if she has a heart of gold and is loved by a lot of people, there’s a wall she hides behind when it comes to relationships.

Don’t call her bad at dating. Don’t tell her she has poor taste in men. She doesn’t. She knows exactly what she’s doing. And you can’t blame her for being afraid.

The truth is, she’s choosing emotionally unavailable men, because she’s the one who is emotionally unavailable also.

As much as you can say things about the guys she’s choosing, she’s the one who is continuing to make that choice.

She chooses the wrong ones out of fear of getting it right. Because when you get it right, then you have something to lose. When she gets it right, there’s a chance they can leave. But if she chooses someone who always comes and goes, she grows numb to goodbyes and it doesn’t hurt anymore.

When she’s the one hurting herself, that means no one else has the power to.

And that’s what this game is about…power, who has more, and whose is going to give it up first. And she’s not going to.

So what you see is a girl in and out of casual almost toxic relationships and compare it to the rest of her life, there are a few things that don’t line up.

The number one thing you’ll notice is how every other part of her life is healthy and good except, the relationships she chooses.

Look at a girl who is confident and successful. Someone who has good friendships and a great family. Someone who is smart, ambitious, and achieves a lot. Someone who takes control of every part of her life and takes ownership of it.
Then you scratch your head at ‘why she’s bad at relationships.’

It’s not bad luck. Her relationships are what they are because she chooses those people.

Pain changes people. And it’s hard to look at yourself in the mirror or look back at those moments where you felt weak, vulnerable, and lost simply because of a relationship that ended. Strong women aren’t graceful when it comes to someone else taking them down and them being so emotionally affected by it. Eventually, they do get back up but when they do, they make a promise to themselves, that will never happen again.

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