Open Topic

When You Love Me On My Worst Mental Health Days.

You accept the parts of myself I’m still learning to.

It’s hard to learn to live and function with something you feel controls you. It’s hard to accept a part of yourself you think is your greatest flaw. But when other people accept it, you learn to follow their example.

You show me at my worst people will stay.

I always think people are going to leave. Even though so many have stayed in mind it’s this message that’s stuck on repeat, “everyone you care about is going to leave.” But you don’t. Despite my fears. Despite my irrational thoughts. You might have every reason to go, and as frustrating as it is for me to live with, this thing I wish I could control, you are choosing me time and time again without hesitation or doubt. I should be confident in that, but doubts paralyze me sometimes.

You teach me how to function with this thing I struggle with.

When you have someone supporting you regardless of what you’re dealing, you’ll do well. Yeah, it takes strength within one’s self to beat depression and anxiety and not let it dictate your life every day, but the real strength comes from those willing to lift you when you think you’re about to fall again.

You talk and listen even when I don’t understand what I’m saying to myself.

I still struggle to clearly articulate what depression really is or what anxiety is because it’s more than words I struggle with. But in those moments when I don’t understand what it is I’m experiencing emotionally and physically, you listen.

You listen to the chaos and confusion that is living with a mental health issue and even you don’t understand, someone who is willing to help me try and understand this thing and overcome this thing. There’s something about that.

You realize this isn’t who I really am.

When I’m negative and sad and struggling to get out of bed, you don’t allow who I am in small moments to influence the opinion you have of me. At my worst, you remind me of who I am at my best. On my bad days where I feel weak and not myself, you remind me of how strong I am.

When I’m lost and confused and doubting my choices, you become the confident one when I can’t be and I can’t thank you enough for that.

You counter the lies I tell myself.

Depression and anxiety lie. They tell you you’re alone. They tell you no one loves and cares about you. They tell you people are going to leave you. And that everyone would be better off without you in their life because you’re a burden.

But you counter everything. And even though I’ve begun to learn the difference between the depressed or the anxiety-prone voice and my real one, there is this wave of reassurance that comes when someone is willing to fight this battle with you.

There is a burden taken off your shoulders when you hear the words, “I’m here for you and you aren’t alone.”

You love me unconditionally.

Teaching someone who struggles with mental health that they aren’t as difficult to love as they think they are, is the best thing you can do for someone.

Loving them even when they struggle to love themselves is key to helping them overcome their own demons.

You forgive me.

The depressed version of myself when I’m saying things I don’t actually mean. When I’m so far lost in my own head I can’t decipher fiction from reality. When anxious thoughts overwhelm me and I’m almost intolerable to deal with, you forgive me for the things I can’t control. You forgive me when I say I’m sorry for being this person. And through your forgiveness, I learned to forgive myself in the moment I don’t like who I’ve been.

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Open Topic

It Isn’t Your Fault.

It isn’t your fault it ended.

When you’ve invested as much as you have in this relationship, you can’t sit here and tell me there was more you could have done.

When you gave your best. When you tried your hardest. When you loved this person with everything you had in you.

It isn’t your fault it ended.

Just because you did everything and they couldn’t meet you halfway, it doesn’t mean your effort wasn’t good enough.

What it means was, the person didn’t value you or the relationship to the extent you did.

What it means is, you deserve someone who will meet you halfway because when you’re willing to go all the way for someone you love.

It means you deserve everything you’re willing to give another.

Maybe there was a time when things were different. Maybe you look back and wonder where did this love even go that you thought would last forever?

You wonder what changed. The truth is, you both changed. The relationship changed. Everything changed.

The best relationships are the ones that adapt and help you to grow, but the root of love is still there binding you and keeping you growing together.

But sometimes people grow apart. Physically. Emotionally. Mentally.

It doesn’t mean what you had wasn’t real. At one time when you were both as invested in this thing, that’s when it really worked. That’s when everything was perfect.

I ask you not to dwell on the past and wonder, but instead look forward.

I would love to tell you that person will come back regretting the pain they’ve caused. I would love to tell you you’re going to get the apology you deserve. That one day they’ll realize what they had before they had to lose it.

But sometimes that doesn’t happen. We would like it to.

But if it was a good healthy relationship up until the end, do not let your heart grow bitter. Do not let the good memories you did have haunt you. Do not look back at this relationship overcome with sorrow. Be grateful to have loved someone, even if it didn’t last. So many people don’t even get to experience what love actually is. So many people are jaded and run at the chance of anyone getting too close.

The truth is, when things end and it really was great while it lasted, if you love the person you’ll be happy to have had them for even a little while.

It’s not your fault it ended.

And there isn’t enough dwelling you can do in the past to change your present and future.

All we have is right now.

I know you don’t want to hear there will be someone else. You don’t want to believe you can do better. But the next person is going to be even better than the last. The next person might be the one who meets you halfway.

It isn’t your fault it ended. So please stop blaming yourself.

When you put your best foot forward and something doesn’t work in your favor or turn out as expected, you don’t analyze what you did wrong fixate upon the thing you can’t change, you just learn from it. You move forward. And you hope the next time around it’s a better outcome. And when it’s right, everything simplistically fits together and do better and you learn to be grateful for all of it.

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Open Topic

I’ll Wait.

If it means meeting someone who wants me and only me, I’ll wait.

I’ll wait for someone who reaches for my hand first.

The person who knows kissing me is the best way to get me to stop talking when it’s too much.

Someone who pulls me closely when we’re sleeping at night.

The person who makes me feel safe in their arms.

I’ll wait for someone who adds confidence to every doubt I might have.

Someone who builds me up and compliments me in a way I become better.

If it means meeting someone who shows me chivalry isn’t dead, I’ll wait.

I’ll wait for opened doors.

To pulled out chairs.

To bills, I might fight to pay but don’t win.

If it means meeting someone who wants to meet my parents, I’ll wait.

Even though the thought of that scares me to death.

Someone who wants to know my friends.

And wants me to know theirs.

I’ll wait for the person who never makes me choose between the two.

If it means learning to be happy alone until I meet the right person, I’ll wait.

Because I know it isn’t their job to make me happy. It’s their job to make me happier.

If it means meeting someone who adds to the life I’ve already built for myself, I’ll wait.

If it means waiting until I have something of value to offer someone, then I keep trying to improve alone until I’m ready.

I’ll wait for the person who wants to learn about the things I care about.

The things that motivate me. The things that move me. The things that touch my heart in ways I don’t know people ever could. But through learning about these things, someone will learn about the parts of me.

The one who can convince me to do things despite how stubborn I might be.

Someone who holds my hand helping me to overcome fears because regardless of  how scared I might be, there’s something safe about them.

I’ll wait for the one who teaches me home isn’t a place, but a person.

Someone who makes me feel like their home is mine.

That person that lets me leave things at their house because I’m there enough.

The person who teaches me about compromise.

Teaches me what it’s like to have someone meet me halfway in a life and old relationships where I used to do more.

If it means meeting someone who is a yes person. I’ll wait.

Yes to whatever I ask.

Yes to wherever I need them to be.

Yes to us and a life that doesn’t scare them when we’re building it together.

The truth is, I’m at a point in my life that if I don’t see a potential of a real long future together, I’ll let you go and just wait for the person who can give me that.

In the past, I’ve made mistakes of trying to convince people that we were right for each other.

I’ve made the mistake of trying a little too hard and ignoring excuses.

I’ve looked at people thinking I could change them.

Or it was me needing change.

Losing myself trying to appease people who could never be right no matter how much I wanted them to be.

I’ve made the mistake of loving people who couldn’t love me back no matter how hard I tried.

But I’m done making mistakes.

I’m done listening to excuses.

I’m done investing time and energy into someone who is on the fence about how they feel.

Because it has nothing to do with not being good enough or pretty enough or smart enough.

If every wrong person has taught me anything, it’s that you can’t force someone to be right.

So instead I’ll wait.

I’ll wait for the person who makes love easy.

I’ll wait for the person who makes me realize I’m enough. I’ve always been enough. It just took the right person to see that.

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Open Topic

Healthiest Relationships.

“Maybe our girlfriends are our soulmates and guys are just people to have fun with.” – Candace Bushnell

The healthiest relationships are the ones where someone is always meeting you halfway and it doesn’t feel like you’re doing more than you need to.

It’s when the relationship comes really easy to both of you. Like you don’t have to try that hard.

It’s when you don’t fear losing someone because even if you don’t talk for a while, when you do, nothing has changed.

It’s when you don’t fear making mistakes because you always work through it and learn.

It’s the person who has seen you at your worst and stayed.

It’s the person who has seen you through many different phases but loves you all the same.

The healthiest relationships are the ones where you aren’t compromising your self-respect to keep them or trying too hard to prove you deserve a place in their life.

The ones who show up when you need them to be there.

The ones who support you when you need it.

The ones who talk you through whatever you’re going through.

But more than that, it’s someone who takes the time to be present.

It’s someone who cares as much about your happiness, maybe even more than you.

It’s someone who will refuse to let you settle for less than you deserve.

It’s the person who keeps reminding you of it.

But more than that, they show you through your actions.

They are this example you follow. This standard you compare everyone to.

This relationship that almost seems perfect.

The healthiest relationships are the ones where you bring out the best in each other.

The ones who make you laugh the loudest and the hardest.

And in moments of confusion and doubt and uncertainty, they are right there helping you to get through it.

The healthiest relationships are the ones where you know if you aren’t around, they are still defending your honor and reputation like it’s their own.

The person who only tries to change the parts of yourself that could make you better. The ones who see us for who we really are and what we can be.

The healthiest relationships are the ones where they are telling you they love you. They are telling you to get home safely. They are rooting for you when you start a new chapter in your life.

It’s the person who isn’t afraid to say I’m sorry.

It’s the person who can’t lie to you because it would hurt them too much to even think of deceiving you.

They are also the ones who pick you up when you fall.

The ones who are there to remind you the worst thing that can ever happen to you, the worst thing you can ever do, the biggest mistake you can ever make, they’ll be there.

They are the company when you want to be alone.

They are the conversation when you think you want silence.

They are love when you think you are unlovable.

They are the fights that never last because you both care about fighting for each other.

They are the forgiveness you fail to find within yourself, helping to learn.

They push you to grow, guiding you the best they can.

But they are also the ones who watch you make mistakes knowing all they can do is help clean up the mess you made and you won’t ever hear them say “I told you so.”

They are the love given so easily when your heart is broken and no matter how much you’re hurting, they are there to be strong when you can’t be yourself.

But most of all, they are the ones who never give up on you. Never stop believing in you. Never stop supporting you and being in your corner.

But more than that, they are the ones who never leave as others come and go with the change of seasons, you look at them with this certainty and confidence that God put someone on earth to help you in ways He can’t.

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Open Topic

I Hate You, I Love You.

I hate you because you taught me what love was, you didn’t just teach me how to be loved back.

I hate you because you said “I love you,” but not before you knew what it actually meant to love someone because you were giving away love like it was something free in hopes of someone else loving you might teach you to love yourself.

I hate you because you made me believe in a future that was simply this fiction you created in your head. And I wonder was there any truth to those promises I hung onto.

I hate you because you made me wait for something that I know now will never come true. And it hurts believing in someone that much.

I hate you because you taught me home wasn’t the place I grew up, but rather a person.

And now I drive down streets where you are everywhere. At least your ghost is. Something about you I just can’t seem to let go of. And on every corner and every stop sign and every dead end I realize that’s where we are now.

I realize the only reason you are alive within me is because I’m keeping you there.

Holding onto memories like the souvenirs that I can’t seem to let go of.

I think I hold things so tight out of fear of forgetting and if ever I forgot you, I think I’d forget who I was.

I hate you because when you left you took so much of me. I failed to realize it was my fault for giving away pieces of myself to keep someone else whole.

And in the end, it was me that got hurt.

I hate you because I don’t trust people anymore. I look at them and question their motives. I look at them and wonder what do I even have to offer them because it feels like every part of me broke trying to keep you?

I hate you because you made me fight like hell to make it work but I realized it was only me fighting for us.

I hate you for the circles we ran in until both of us got tired.

I hate you for every moment you were horrible. Taking out every difficult thing on me like I could handle it. There was once a time I thought your complexity was alluring.

I hate you because you taught me how unfair life can be.

But for all the things I hate about you, those are the same things I love.

I love you for teaching me it was me who was loving the right way and someone’s inability to love me back has nothing to do with me.

I love you for teaching what love actually is through everything you didn’t do. Every word you didn’t say. Every excuse and explanation that were just a waste of words in ears that grew tired.

I love you for showing me it isn’t about what people say, it’s about what they do.

I love you for making me wait because it taught me about patience. And if I can wait that long for the wrong person, I’ll have no problem waiting for the right one.

I love you for teaching me about home. And maybe there are certain places I can’t drive without thinking of you. Maybe there are street corners where I’ll always see you. But on every road that now hurts, it’s made me who I am.

I’ve held on so tight to you because of the fact that it’s hard to let go proves how real it might have been to me even if you couldn’t say the same thing.

You took so much of who I was it gave me time to realize who I want to be, and I know I will never allow myself to be defined by someone else. It was there I learned strength and independence.

I love you for teaching me how to love someone unconditionally, because I really did love every version of you. And maybe we ran in circles because we wanted to make this work, but sometimes you just can’t force it.

I love you for teaching me to fight for someone because I after you, I learned to fight for myself.

I guess I’m starting to realize maybe we were both playing with fiction here, in love with the idea of what could have been.

I’m starting to realize it was never going to be us.

Because as much as I loved and hated the complexity and the high intensity of emotions, real love, and the right relationships will never be that difficult.

The truth is, I hate you for every right reason.

And all those reasons come down to this genuine love I’ll always have walking away, looking at myself in the mirror, seeing the parts of myself that wouldn’t be there if it wasn’t for you.

I heard it’s been said you can only ever hate someone you once loved dearly.

So if ever our paths cross. I’ll look at you. You’ll look at me, and we’ll realize all we have in common is a past we want to forget.

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Open Topic

Wary Faith.

Whatever it is you’re going through right now I want you to know you aren’t alone. And it might feel like you are. It might feel like a million things are piling up on you and you don’t know if it’ll get heavier or how much more you can bare.

And you might not know who to turn to or even where to start.

Because suddenly all of this just hit you at once.

It’s like you’re floating on the surface but below no one can see you are flustered and kicking for your life just to stay afloat.

You look fine.

You smile when you have to.

When someone asks, “how you are?” you say, “good.”

But part of you wishes you weren’t so good at faking it. Part of you wishes someone would call your bluff and say, “I know you’re lying, what’s wrong?”

We’ve been told the best thing to do is lie. So we lie to ourselves saying everything is fine. We lie to everyone else saying we can handle it. Whatever that it is.

Then it just becomes too much.

I’m here to tell you it’s okay if things aren’t going well right now. It’s okay if you’re hurting. It’s okay if you want to fall apart and scream at the top of your lunges because things outside your control are happening that you don’t understand. You’re trying to find clarity in moments of confusion. You are trying to put a band-aid on the pain you’re repressing hoping it heals, but you know you’re just covering it up. Then something else comes out of left field only to hurt you more.

You go to bed at night and you’re just laying there not sleeping, and you don’t want to play the pity card of “why me?” or “why did this happen?” How much worse can things get, only to watch it play out even more?

You’re trying to piece yourself back together but you’re cutting your fingers in the process, and honestly, you don’t even remember what it feels like to be whole or completely happy.

You hate that being happy is so hard to achieve right now.

But more than that you hate that no one sees it.

And you’re holding back tears and putting on a brave face because it isn’t socially acceptable to start crying in the middle of a workday. Not when people need you. Not when people look up to you. Not when people are watching your every move like your life is a show for their entertainment.

Just when something starts to shift and there’s even a little bit of light, someone has to come and ruin your day. It’s a snide comment. It’s criticism. It’s one little thing or conversation that almost puts you over the edge.

Like everyone in the universe is out to get you. And it isn’t like you to be this negative or pessimistic. But everyone has those days that turn to weeks and sometimes months where nothing seems to work in their favor.

And despite being given every reason to be mean to others and treat them the way they have treated you, you don’t. You replace their unkindness with silence. You replace disrespect with being the bigger person. You replace someone going after you with keeping your head down and mouth shut.

And they judge you for the things you do and they judge you for the things you don’t.

It’s like they have a target on your back, watching your every move waiting for you to mess up. So every step you take is a little more cautious. How quick everyone is to judge you for the little things you do wrong and they forget what you did right.

I know what it’s like to feel that way.

I know what it’s like to not understand any of it.

And you just keep trying. Trying to make them happy as well as yourself only to learn whichever way you change, someone isn’t going to like it.

You want to trust people but every time you have, every time you’ve let your guard down, they’ve gotten close enough to hurt you. So you learn to expect the worst of people, while still trying your best and giving your best to those who don’t deserve it.

Caring deeply about others is both your greatest strength and weakness.

It’s that strength that everyone seems to rely on, even though you don’t know where it’s even coming from.

It’s the energy to never let people down and constantly say “yes” even though you’re tired.

It’s the light you shine in other’s lives and the compassion to look at someone and you can tell when they’re having a tough day because you know what faking it looks like. You ask them how they are doing, even though no one has asked you lately.

It’s keeping it together when someone else is falling apart even when you want to, you still manage to be the arms holding them.

It’s admirable to be like that.

And even though people don’t give you the credit you deserve or even utter the words “thank you,” you keep being exactly how you are and you don’t change.

As hard as it is to be someone like you, you realize how rare it is too.

So when the world gives you every reason to change. Every reason to treat others the way they treat you. Every reason to hurt others because maybe someone broke your heart. But you don’t. I want to thank you for being that type of person.

It’s people like you we need most in the world. So whatever pain or confusion or difficult life situations you’re going through, I want you to know you’ve made it through everything leading up to this and there’s strength within you, you don’t even realize.

Don’t be afraid to fall apart if you have to.

Don’t be afraid to cry if you need that.

Don’t be afraid of any of this.

Because it will get better. Sometimes though, things get worse before they get better. But on the other end of that, is something really great waiting for you.

Keep fighting for everything you know you deserve because you will get it.

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Open Topic

Find Someone Who…

The foundation to every good relationship is one based on the fact the two of you are friends as well as someone you might fall in love with later.

When you start dating someone, they become your best friend. The number one person you confide in. The person you spend the most time with. Your number one support system. And the person you trust most in this world. Those things have nothing to do with sex and the physical aspects that come with a relationship.

You don’t just start building a life with someone because they are attractive and good in bed, those are bonuses.

Yeah, physical attraction and desire need to be there first and foremost, but people don’t stay together just for that reason alone. You stay together because of who you are. You stay together because of how you complement each other. You stay together because you’re better together than you are alone.

Find someone who is going to make you a better person.

And I don’t just mean happier. Someone who is going to influence you to become the best version of yourself. Someone who is going to support you and your ideas and your goals and ambitions when no one else does. Someone who is going to believe in you and your ability like they believe in themselves.

Find someone who is going to make the best teammate.

The best cheerleader. The person who turns ideas into reality, because together nothing stops you. Find someone who wants to learn from you. Who values your opinion. Someone who listens even when you’re speaking in a whisper.

Find someone who understands your silence.

Someone who understands the words you use and what you actually mean sometimes when you say them. Find someone who watches you so closely they can tell when something is wrong. Even if it’s just through a text message or a simple weird nervous habit.

Find someone you don’t get tired of.

Someone you could spend days with and you’d still miss them the second you part ways. Find someone who influences you and you notice it in little parts, from the things you newly like and want to learn about, to the phrases you say. There are moments you’ll catch yourself picking up on little phrases or how you say certain words and evident their influence is there.

Find someone who forgives you for your mistakes.

When you mess up and they are angry and you aren’t just mad at yourself for making a mistake, you hate yourself for hurting or disappointing them. And when you think they are going to walk away and maybe they have every reason to, they turn around and bring you in and tell you it’s okay. They still love you. From there, they help you to learn from your mistakes.

Find someone who doesn’t give up on you.

Even when you give up on yourself, even when you push everyone else away. Even when you aren’t a version of yourself you’re proud of, find the person who stays. The person who says, “I don’t care what you say or do I’m not going anywhere.”

Find the person who makes you believe in people again.

Because maybe you were a loner, maybe you feared letting anyone close, so you push them away. But when you find someone who breaks through every part of who you are, when all you tried to do was guard yourself and your heart, don’t let those people go. The ones who understand how scary it is to be vulnerable but they lead by example showing you, they are the ones you could trust.

Find someone who is a straight shooter.

They aren’t afraid to tell you exactly how they feel. They aren’t afraid to tell you, “I love you, you fucked up, but you’re still the best thing that’s ever happened to me.” Someone who throws these emotions at you but it’s not overwhelming, it makes you feel more whole than you ever did before.

Find someone who is going to make you better.

The person who motivates you to want to be the best version of yourself. Find someone who is a work in progress and help them to improve. Help them to see their potential. Help them to achieve things they didn’t think they could. But with your love and encouragement, they get there. And when they become a better version of themselves and suddenly everyone sees them, be the one who saw it first.

Find someone who wants to build something great with you.

Your life. Your love. Your career. Your goals. Your future. Someone who is willing to invest in all aspects that are you. Someone who will work as hard as you will to achieve these things.

Success doesn’t happen because of a single person believing in themselves. It takes another person believing in them, motivating them, pushing them to achieve more. When you get everything you’ve ever wanted in life, it’ll be nice to grab the hand of the person who was there from the beginning remembering and looking back in moments of failure when they were the ones who reminded you get up and try again.

Find someone who is going to challenge you. Emotionally. Mentally. Physically.

Emotionally: that person who is going to learn you in ways you don’t even know yourself. Mentally: they get you to see things differently. They are telling you to read things you’ve never read or watch things, or do things you’ve never done before. Physically: they push you past your comfort zone and suddenly you’re just trying to keep up.

Find someone who is going to stay.

Someone who sees you at your worst and ugliest and hardest time ever and still loves you. Someone who stands with you in moments of confusion. Someone who helps you to figure it out. Someone who cares first about your happiness and will do anything to help you achieve it.

Finds someone who learns with you.

Through trial and error no matter how many times you might fail or change parts of your life, they are right there next to you reminding you how special you are. Find someone who builds you up in such a way your head almost gets big. And they aren’t trying to flatter you, they believe in you. They believe in you more than anyone.

Find someone who is different.

That person who keeps you up at night. That person who tells you these crazy ideas and before you can even think about whether it’s a good idea or not, you’re already following their lead. Because there’s just something about them that’s unlike anyone else you’ve ever met.

Find someone who loves you unconditionally.

Because we are in a generation where everyone can be replaced with a single swipe. Where everyone is looking for the next best thing and no is never satisfied. Wait for the person who realizes you are the best thing that’s ever happened to them and there isn’t doing better than you.

Find someone who is never going to quit you.

At the end of the day, that’s what it comes down to.

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