I Am Strong, But Exhausted!!

When you’re strong but you’re tired, your faith grows wary. You believe in love, but you also fear it. You look forward to something you don’t even see to be in your future. When all you’ve known is heartbreak, it’s takes strength to believe in anything else. You know you deserve it, but there are moments you don’t think it’ll never come your way. When you’re strong but you’re tired, you just want to give up. You just want to walk away. Stop trying. Stop believing. Stop feeling everything so deeply to the core.

It’s the tears you cry at night that no one knows of. And you have to wake up the next day and pretend everything is fine. Like you didn’t just fall apart and pick up the broken pieces of yourself. You smile and go through the motions, because you have to.

You help others and find solutions for them, but you can’t even help yourself. It’s people trusting you and confiding in you and you don’t want to let anyone down. So you keep pushing through this pain of everything you are feeling. It’s like the weight of the world is on your shoulders, only no one sees it. No one is offering to help. When you make it look easy, it’s hard for anyone to see. When you make it look easy, everyone thinks you can handle it. But part of you wants to just fall to your knees because you’re only human. 

You’re stronger than you even realize. You’re stronger than people give you credit for.

It’s unkindness people show you and you don’t even flinch or respond. And while it hurts sometimes and words break your heart, you choose to not retaliate. You know responding will only make it worse. So you keep your head down in silence and just keep fighting. No one knows how mean people are, but you see it every day. But you choose to not repeat the cycle. That takes strength. To look at yourself in the mirror and not feed into it means you’re ahead of them.

It takes strength to believe in people when you’ve seen them at their worst. It takes strength to believe in love when you are crying yourself to sleep over someone who hurt you. It takes strength to believe in yourself when everyone is doubting every choice you make.

And I know what it’s like to be tired of being that strong. You’re tired of getting hurt. You’re tired of getting disappointed. You’re tired of giving your best only to watch people take advantage of it.

You’re tired of everyone waiting for you to make one mistake. And how easily they forget everything you did right before that. Then you blame yourself because you aren’t perfect. But everyone expects you to not make any sort of mistake. You’re tired of expecting the worst of everyone and everything then watching it become reality. You’re tired of everyone judging you and telling you how you should be living your life. When you’re doing your absolute best but for some reason, it falls short. You’re tired of trying to change who you are and no matter who you try to please, someone else isn’t happy with you. 

It’s exhausting. When you lose yourself trying to please others, nothing about it is easy. It’s exhausting to be the bigger person. It’s exhausting caring about people as much as you do. It’s exhausting staying up late overthinking every mistake wishing you could just make it right.

You think too much about people who care too little.

But you don’t know how to change a heart like yours to do anything different. Because all of it comes so naturally to you.

I know how hard it is to be that strong for everyone. I know how hard it is to care so deeply. I know none of it is easy having a fragile heart in a cruel world that does everything to try to make you cold.

People like you will always know pain at a level deeper than others. People like you will always hurt a little more when it isn’t your pain to feel. People like you will always know this darkness that others never will. But with all these intense emotions you feel so heavy, you also feel the good things and appreciate that more than anyone else.

Value being a person like that. Appreciate a heart that cares so deeply when others have grown cold.

As much as it hurts sometimes, it’s people like you that changes others. It’s the genuine good you bring to the world that fills others with hope and light. There is something rare about someone like you.

There is something beautiful that you don’t see in yourself. When you are constantly looking at others and seeing their beauty and seeing their good, you fail to see your own. But every else does.

You are the hope they look for when all is lost. You are the love you give freely when they feel empty. You are the arms holding them when they feel weak. You are the good the world needs, in one that is ugly and mean.

So I ask you do not change. Do not allow pain to make you feel so depleted. I ask you not to change because the world needs more people like you. So keep fighting as hard as you need to and know you aren’t alone. 

She’ll Regret Letting You Go.

It always fascinates me to see how differently I myself and girlfriends handle getting hurt compared to my guy friends. 

I always wonder is there any one way which is better to handle it? Or does one gender hurt more than the other?

Girls seem to want to talk about it. Analyze it. Reanalyze. Talk some more. Cry.

Guys mention what happened once or twice and drop it. They get drunk. They hook up with someone and they do their best to move on.

Guys are taught from a very young age to not express deep emotions. To put up a front. Pretend. Regardless of how well it might appear how they are doing, only they know if they are hurting.

Girls, on the other hand, will advertise their pain like it’s some tattoo to flaunt. From certain things, they share to using social media to cope. When you have an army of girls behind you, supporting you and telling you it’s their loss, that support helps.

But guys don’t have that. Guys might listen to sad songs that are conveying everything they feel, but they aren’t sharing it on their Facebook wall.

Guys might be falling a part but we’ll never know.

Guys have themselves and their buddies on a night out and just how well they can handle alcohol mixed with the emotions and hiding it.

I truly believe when guys get hurt, they take it a lot harder than girls do. I think they take it harder than we realize. They just aren’t showing it. Because it’s not just a breakup or rejection, it’s a blow to their ego too.

Girls are taught at that same young age how to navigate through pain and feel through things. It’s okay to cry. It’s okay to break down in public drunk and crying in the girl’s room.

Imagine if a guy did that?

When guys who are naturally more guarded give their best and their whole heart to someone, it’s a deflating blow being met with rejection. It hurts like hell when you hear her say she’s not ready then you go and watch her date someone else. 

It hurts like hell because I know you are looking in the mirror and as confident as you might appear to be and as well as you carry yourself and the fact you can get anyone else you want and you know that, hurts because the one person you want doesn’t want you.

But trust me, when I say she will regret it. Trust me when I say she will look back and you realize the mistake she made.

When guys give their best to someone they deem worthy of receiving it, even someone who appeared as the biggest asshole comes across as decent and a good guy. Because under the surface of emotions they hide, guys are good.

It just takes the right woman to make him be that.

I truly believe pain they’ve endured dictates how they act and what they do show of themselves.

Show me an asshole, and I’ll show you a guy who got hurt by the love of his life. 

Show me someone who is sarcastic and quick, I’ll show you someone who is insecure and hiding that through making people laugh.

Show me a player, and I’ll show you a guy who got beat at his own game.

But regardless of what type of front guys might appear to have, I do believe regardless of your gender or preference everyone just wants someone to love who loves them the same way.

Regardless of how many times I’ve gotten hurt and by who, I don’t look at it as a flaw in them but rather me not being the right woman for him.

I think every guy secretly wants to find that girl who makes them better. So when you do find that and it doesn’t work out, guys want to close themselves off more.

Guys egos get hurt more than girls do when they are met with rejection.

So if you are dealing with a situation where you’re hurt, no matter how hard you try to pretend you aren’t. You can lie to a lot of people, but I know what it’s like to feel pain and rejection and heartbreak.

I know what it’s like to go to bed thinking about one person and wishing they felt the same way. 

I know what it’s like to stare at your phone wondering when you’ll hear from them again.

I know what it’s like to find any excuse to talk to them and you try to keep them in your life because you care and you hope they will one day too.

I also know what it’s like to drink yourself silly trying to forget a person who gave you so much to remember.

I know what it’s like to look someone in the eyes and think they are perfect. Like suddenly your life makes sense because they are a part of it.

But I also know what it’s like to have the best intentions, yet be taken advantage of and be taken for granted.

I know what it’s like to fight to stay in someone’s life and how much it hurts when they aren’t choosing you.

So you stay busy to keep your mind off it. You talk to other girls. You date and party and sleep around. Hoping someone can fill the void they left you with.

But trust me when I say she will come around and realize what she messed up.

For some reason, people fail to understand what they have when they have it. It’s only after they lose it and realize it isn’t theirs to choose anymore, do they miss the person.

She still knows she can have you if she wants you and that’s what makes you less appealing to her. Don’t give her that satisfaction of thinking you’re just waiting.

When you give your best, when you are honest and good and treat her better than anyone, it’d be impossible to not miss someone like that.

She just hasn’t realized it yet.

When it hits them, they’ll come back around and try. But by that point, you will have already healed. By the time they realize their mistake, you’ll have learned to love yourself the way they should have. And this person will come back into your life saying everything you wish they said sooner when you cared. But you’ll realize it’s too late.

It shouldn’t take someone so long to realize your value and worth. Because the right person will realize it from the start. The right person will reciprocate it. The right person won’t have to lose you or hurt you to realize they messed up.

You deserve the best person there is. And I know you think this girl might have been it. But if she’s the best there is, you still deserve better. 

Stay Single.

Stay single until you find a relationship that makes you happy it didn’t work out with anyone else.

Someone you meet and you realize this is someone you need in your life.

When you can’t stand the thought of them being with anyone else that you have to do something about it, stay single.

Someone you can’t stop thinking of.

That person you go to bed thinking of every night. And when you wake up they are the one you want to talk to first.

Stay single until you find that relationship and person who doesn’t just meet you halfway, but gives when you can’t seem to.

Because relationships aren’t always 50/50. On your bad days, you might only be able to give 30% and it’s up to the other person to give 70% if they have to.

It’s a give and take.

Because you aren’t always going to be in your best form.

Sometimes you’ll be angry, frustrated, stressed, and tired. 

Sometimes you’ll take it out on the person you care most about. And they will have to forgive you for that.

Stay single until you find a relationship and someone who sees you at your worst and chooses to stay.

You aren’t always going to be as attractive as you were on your first date.

Most days you’ll wake up with bad breath and messy hair.

But there’s something about someone looking at you and saying you’re still the most attractive person they’ve ever seen.

Stay single until you find a relationship and person who never stops choosing you. 

Sometimes you’ll come home after a long day and just need arms to fall into and know it’s okay to do that.

Someone to be strong when you can’t be.

Stay single until they reciprocate all you have to give.

Someone who makes you realize how easy love really is.

Stay single until you find that relationship that makes you more happy than sad.

Because it’s unrealistic to expect the perfect relationship.

You’re bound to disagree and argue and have different opinions on things.

But what’s important is, finding the person who fights for the relationship.

Someone who doesn’t let you go to bed angry.

Someone who can’t stand the thought of hurting you.

Someone whose day gets ruined knowing you guys aren’t good right now.

Stay single until you find a relationship worth fighting for.

Stay single until you find that relationship that makes you happier than you ever thought you could be.

And everyone sees it.

Stay single until you find a relationship where the foundation is honesty and trust. When you tell them you saw your ex and there aren’t more questions about it because you are confident in each other.

Someone who is willing to show up when you need them there.

Because relationships aren’t just words, it’s about what you are willing to do for the person to show them you care.

Stay single until you find a relationship and someone who doesn’t want to take up all your time.

But someone who respects and admires the fact you have a life more than them.

Someone who wants to be a part of it.

Someone who takes the time to want to know your friends and family.

Because relationships aren’t just someone you are dating.

It’s about finding someone you can see building a future life with.

Someone you can hang out with on a Friday night and their company is better than any night out.

Stay single until you find a relationship that makes you not even care about the person hitting on you. Because you know you have the best person there is already.

Stay single until you find the relationship that teaches you that you don’t have to be whole for someone to love you. 

Everyone says you have to fix yourself and love yourself first. But I believe some people are meant to show us how to do these things.

Until then stay single until you find a relationship like this.

You Deserve…

You deserve someone treating you well all the time. 

You deserve someone texting you back immediately.

You deserve actual phone calls and someone just checking in to see how you are.

You deserve someone making plans for once.

Someone who is willing to treat you the way you treat everyone else.

You deserve someone who would drive four hours just to see you for one. 

You deserve someone who wants to meet everyone in your life.

Someone who cares about building the relationships with your friends.

You deserve someone with manners.

From opening your door.

To taking your jacket.

To pulling out your chair.

To paying for the bill.

You deserve someone who shows you chivalry isn’t outdated or old school.

But something they themselves are trying to make happen again.

Someone who knows to stand on the outside of the sidewalk.

It’s something so little but means so much.

You deserve someone who actually picks you up from a date and drives you home.

Someone who kisses you on the first date and leaves it at that.

Someone who texts you because they’ve had a great night and they want you to know.

You deserve someone who keeps their word.

Someone who shows up on time.

Someone who sends you flowers just because they want you to know they are thinking of you.

You deserve someone who cares.

Someone who never stops showing it.

You deserve someone who remembers the details you tell them.

Someone who really listens to you.

You deserve someone who works to build your trust knowing very well how important that is.

But in this generation, we expect less of people.

We blush over likes on Instagram and Facebook thinking that’s showing affection. 

We get excited when they text us back, even though it was a few hours.

We say things through paragraph texts and build relationships over a phone.

But when you see them IRL you don’t know what to say.

Or someone cancels.

We are a generation obsessed with connecting to one another but emotionally we are so disconnected.

Because maybe he’s talking to you, but he hasn’t deleted his dating app.

Maybe you hang out every weekend and spend the night, but he won’t call you his girlfriend. 

Maybe you know all about his friends, but they don’t know you.

Maybe he buys you a beer, but he won’t take you to dinner or on a real date.

It’s isn’t just about meeting somewhere late at night at someone’s convenience, it’s about taking time out of your day to spend with someone you aren’t afraid to admit you care about.

You deserve more than someone who plays games and leads you on. Because anyone who leaves you confused or is worrying about who says or does what next doesn’t like you enough.

Don’t settle for a relationship with someone who is afraid to even say that word.

Don’t continue falling for someone your friends already hate because of the way he treats you.

He should be treating you well all the time.

You deserve someone whose acts of kindness are genuine, and not a way to gain something else. 

Someone who treats you as well as they did trying to get you and that doesn’t change when they finally have you.

You don’t deserve someone whose word you can’t rely on.

Who says one thing and does another.

You deserve someone who is so happy to have someone like you, they can’t wait to introduce you to their friends and family.

You deserve someone who doesn’t fear the future, but wants you a part of theirs.

Don’t settle in love.

Don’t forget how you deserve to be treated.

And if anyone tells you your expectations are too high or unrealistic, don’t budge, because there is someone who will meet them.

It’s So Much More.

It’s so much more than taking her out. Its more than wining and dining her. It’s more than pulling out her chair and opening her door. It’s more than paying.

It’s about listening to her. It’s about learning to read her. It’s about being able to understand the things she doesn’t say.

It’s more than some title and calling her yours.

It’s making her feel like she’s the only one that matters. It’s walking into a room holding her hand and you make her feel like the most beautiful person there.

It’s more than the sex and hooking up. It’s about making sure the sex you do have is the best because you took the time to get to know her. And you know being emotionally connected to someone makes everything else better.

It’s more than saying you have a girlfriend. It’s shutting down anyone immediately and not flirting with the idea that you don’t. Everyone likes attention, but it’s about being good to her behind her back when she’s not there.

It’s more than not physically cheating on her, it’s making sure you don’t emotionally cheat on her either. Because you know your girl space friend has feelings for you and you know she’s going to see how far she can get. It’s about stopping that before it turns into something that can upset your girlfriend.

It’s more than the things you say and how nicely you can say them. It’s about what you do to prove she’s the one you want to be with. It’s surprises and making an effort. It’s making her feel special because she is.

It’s more than how well you can hide something that you might be a little guilty of, it’s about being completely honest and owning up to your mistakes and working through them together. It’s knowing when to apologize when you are wrong and what you are willing to do to make it right.

It’s more than knowing general things about her. It’s taking the time to learn the little. Learn she likes white roses better than red because they are cliché. Learn she can’t sleep without socks on. Learn her favorite book and make a point to read it. Make an effort to really learn her. Learn about her past. Learn about her future goals. Stand behind her and support it.

Because she wants to tell you all these things but she also wants you to want to realize the small details too. Maybe things she doesn’t even realize. 

Tell her about the things you notice. Tell her about the things you like. Don’t be afraid to tell her about the things you don’t like either.

Relationships are about compromise and learning to live with someone else’s flaws and shortcomings and loving them through it.

It doesn’t just stop once you get to call yourself her boyfriend. It doesn’t stop when you have her. It’s about everything you are willing to do to keep her. 

Silent Battle To Be Perfect.

“What do you like most about yourself?” 

It seemed like a simple enough question that should have been answered quickly and easily. But I sat there frozen.

“Okay. What do you dislike about yourself?” 

That question I seemed to answer a lot easier.

I never really saw the connection between striving to be perfect and how it linked to my battle with depression.

If anyone looked at me or knew me without following me on social media or read the things I wrote, depression would be the last word anyone would use to describe me. On the outside, I’ve always appeared upbeat and positive and goal oriented.

Yes, I had my moments of wanting to be alone and seclude myself. Despite being as social as I was, I would identify myself as a loner. Someone who thought too much. Someone who was in my world sometimes.

In the years of college, I strived to obtain perfection or appear like I had it all together, I was falling apart on the inside. But no one ever saw that.

No one saw the nights I wake up in a dead sleep to study and prep for class. No one saw me completely breakdown in the hallway crying because I didn’t get an A and it would totally mess up my GPA. No one saw me running thin as I was because being an athlete in college, mixed with overloaded classes I had to get approved of, along with being in a sorority, maintaining a job, an internship, volunteering, all while trying to be a good friend, family member, and keeping my sanity wasn’t easy.

No one thought much of running ten miles a day but in my mind, all I thought about were the calories I needed to burn or what my caloric intake was that day. I had a mental calculator in my mind of what every food consisted of.

“You’re going to have a mental breakdown if you keep living your life at this speed,” a professor said to me. But in the mind of someone who is a perfectionist, I didn’t hear that as a warning sign, what I heard was someone doubting me and someone I had to prove wrong. 

While I’ve graduated and maintained a job, this wasn’t something that went away after high school and college. It’s still something I battle with.

When I look in the mirror I don’t see myself the way others do. While someone on the outside might look at me and say she’s killing it. The cost of trying to maintain that reputation comes with sleepless nights as I worry about things I’ve committed to. It comes with biting off more than I can chew, but swear I can maintain it. It comes with appearing like I am floating on the surface and calm, but no one sees the struggle.

It’s wanting to be the best at everything because the thought of being number 2 makes me cringe.

But also fearing failure that procrastinate things and put them off.

It’s wanting to outwork everyone in a room because in my mind if I’m not doing that or giving 110% all the time, someone’s going to beat me. Someone is going to make me lose everything I’ve worked for.

In the mind of a perfectionist, our greatest fear is both failures and letting people down. So instead we strive to be successful even if it kills us. We say yes to everything and everyone. We somehow make things happen and are leaders. But the cost is our mental health, which is something we silently battle.

The cost is looking at our reflection and not being proud of accomplishments, but seeing everything we lack looking back at us. It’s striving to want to do more and be better, but struggling with ourselves and our own demons.

We think happiness is in the form of what we can achieve but with every achievement, we find ourselves still feeling empty and sad when the task is over. Then we focus on chasing the next thing that will be what brings us ultimate happiness.

But it never does.

I remember crossing the finish line of a Marathon I ran, 5:15mins. And all I kept thinking of what, how mad I was at myself for not breaking 5 hours. I looked at my medal and I didn’t see success. I saw a goal in my mind I didn’t achieve.

We think if our shortcoming and flaws weren’t relevant we’d be happy. We think if we achieve more or do better we’ll be happy. So we push ourselves more and more just to see how much we can take.

A perfectionist who deals with depression comes very close to breakdowns because it isn’t the pressure someone else puts on us, but the pressure we put on ourselves to achieve success. And we’ll do nything for it.

It’s having unrealistic goals but somehow trying to achieve them.

It’s never being able to relax because we are always thinking about the next thing.

It’s failing to live in the moment or in reality.

A perfectionist has a tainted view of both themselves and the world we live in.

And it’s hard to look at someone you think has it all and has it all together and know they don’t see themselves the way everyone else does.

Then you compliment them and they shrug it off like something great wasn’t that big of a deal and it isn’t that they are being modest or downplaying their success, to them it’s never good enough.

I remember laying there next to someone who really did care about me, he brushed a piece of my hair behind my ear, kissed my forehead and uttered the words, “you’re perfect.” And without even being able to control it, I started crying. 

I hate the word “perfect.” Perfect reminds me of everything I’m not. Perfect reminds me of every time I fell short of my own expectations. Perfect reminds me of every rejection or failure I’ve ever had I can’t seem to let go of.

Perfect reminds me of the wait list letter from my number one college even though I got into 14/15 schools I applied to.

Perfect reminds me of the person I loved with all my heart, someone I gave my best to and I watched it fall short. If I was perfect, I would be good enough for him. 

Perfectionism comes with a deep rooted insecurity that if I’m not achieving greatness, I’m a failure.

I don’t know if depression triggers striving to be perfect or trying so hard to be perfect, and falling short is what makes me depressed sometimes. It’s a cycle I struggle to beat.

But very few people see it. Because the greatest trait of a perfectionist is the ability to deceive everyone. The ability to achieve things and make it seem effortless.

But the truth is, it’s exhausting being good enough for just about everyone else except the person looking back at you in the mirror. 

Nice Guys Finish Last.

Nice guys have a bad rep. They are the ones who text you immediately to let you know they had a great time with you and would love to see you again. 

Nice guys have the reputation of coming on too strong or caring too much.

They are the ones blowing up your social media because they don’t care about playing coy.

They are the ones telling you exactly how they feel.

But this should be what we want and are looking for in a relationship.

Date the guy who drives you home regardless of how late it is and how out of the way you might be. 

Date the guy who keeps his word and shows up.

Date the guy who cares and isn’t afraid to show it.

We take nice guys for granted. The ones who spend time with you enjoying your company. They are the ones who are fine with just a kiss. The ones who would never pressure you to do more.

They are the ones who answer immediately and don’t play hard to get because they don’t believe dating should be a game.

These are the guys who are kind and respectful, yet a lot of people reject them.

We’ve been conditioned to be attracted to the people who are a little more complicated. The one who keeps you guessing. The ones who know exactly what to say and when to say it, and keep you wanting more. The one you know is talking to more than just you, but you choose to be naive.

Stop choosing the wrong people and start picking the right one.

Nice guys don’t want to confuse you. And when asked what their flaws are, you seem like a bitch saying he’s too nice.

Date the guy who is too nice.

Learn to value that. Learn to appreciate that.

Don’t make him think he has to change who he is just because you don’t see the value in it.

Because nice guys are rare. 

They are the ones who keep their word even if they said it slurred.

They are the ones who take care of you when you’ve had too much to drink and they don’t look at it as an opportunity to take advantage of you.

Date the guy with integrity and shows respect both to himself and you. 

Date the guy who makes you laugh. The one you can have a good time with doing anything.

The one who doesn’t mind when you just show up somewhere because he’s happy to see you.

Date the guy who always includes you.

Nice guys are underappreciated and taken for granted.

They are the ones who buy you drinks only to watch you flirt with someone else.

They are the ones there for you and emotionally supporting you when you give your time and attention to someone else.

They are the shoulder you cry on, when in reality they’d never make you cry if you took a chance on them.

They are the ones who always get picked second.

They are the ones who don’t hold grudges even though you hurt them.

To every genuinely nice guy, I ask you not to change. And I know with every let down and broken heart you underplay, you’re getting tired of it. 

But I promise you if you just keep being nice and keep treating people exactly how you’ve been, you’re going to meet someone who is right there with you.

And she isn’t going to mess with your head or only text you drunk.

She won’t say you’re just friends but still spend the night.

You aren’t going to be some second choice.

You are going to be her ONLY choice and she’s going to realize she’s the lucky one. 

She’s going to count her blessing someone else didn’t appreciate you the way you deserved because now she gets to.

Nice guys have bad reps because girls don’t want nice guys. Women do. 

And that’s the difference right there.