For those who still suffer in their addictions- don’t give up! If you want to recover- you will! Find what works for you, and work it!
When I was in active addiction, I was absolutely aware that I was dying. I would beg counselors, treatment centers, church pastors, strangers even, to help me. If any one extended a hand, I would run away. I could not stop doing drugs.
I wouldn’t attend NA meetings bc they would make me wanna use. I was broken. I was terrified. I didn’t feel human anymore. I could not stop doing drugs.
I ran away from detox- one hour in- after they finally accepted me after months of me calling them daily and begging for a bed. I ran away from two treatment centers and a sober living house. One day I went to emergency five times begging them to keep me locked in because I could not stop doing drugs. I had been spending every eternal minute trying to stay alive and high on the street. I was telling my boyfriend and family my new game plan, how I was gonna get better, I was going to get help, I’d make things right. They said, “Its ok Carla, I already know you can do it, but you gotta want it. We’ve accepted it.” Suddenly the veil lifted and I knew, I could not stop trying to find my way to recovery.
After so many failed attempts, I could have believed my destructive thoughts, and thrown away hope that I was beyond salvage. I could have bought into the suffocating shame that I didn’t want to recover bad enough, because I was too selfish to stick with any program. But my boyfriend and family’s love was the bright light that dispelled the hypnotic darkness that had over taken me.
I had to forgive myself for falling. I had to appreciate and honour that part of me that kept trying- and I had to find the path that led me out of the suffering. For me, standard institutionalized methods of treatment were not options that could work for me. I was far too delicate, spiritually devastated and fully trapped in flight or fight to remain seated in the face of authority. I was certain everything was a trap and couldn’t trust anyone to not mislead me or hurt me.
Instead I found a gentle way, a path to liberation that led me out of the ravages of drug addiction. I found myself again by healing all the parts of me. By feeding my spirit music, stillness, beauty and the wonder of Nature, by feeding my body acceptance, and fresh air, and bliss filled invitations to movement, by feeding my desire, the devotions of self loving and connection with sacred community and ceremony to mark the passings. I found my way home to myself. I found recovery.
I walk this path everyday. I don’t use drugs anymore; I am finding my way through this life by daily practicing the good ways I’ve learned to keep my mind right and my spirit vibrant and whole. If you struggle with addiction, you are carrying burdens too heavy to sustain- I invite you to join me. Let’s walk together.
Be encouraged – there is always hope for you. There is always a way for you to escape your suffering. Know that just because ten other paths have led you back to your hell – there is still a path that will deliver you!
Don’t give up! Please reach out!
I’m here for you. ❤️