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Fighting The Pain.

When you get your heart broken, it just feels like you’re going through the motions. Like you can be in a crowded room and you’re watching everything go on around you but you feel like you’re falling to pieces before everyone’s eyes, only no one sees it. Physically you might be there, emotionally you are so checked out. 

It’s that look on your face and everyone asks are you okay and you nod and say you’re fine. But everything is so far from fine. You dismiss yourself and go to the bathroom and you just look at your reflection and don’t even recognize the person looking back at you.

Pain has a way of turning us into versions of ourselves we don’t recognize.

It’s like hitting rock bottom and you know you have to get back up, only you just consumed by this pain that makes you feel so empty.

Heartbreak is finding comfort in sleeping but not being able to because your mind is constantly racing with things you wish you weren’t feeling and thoughts that are deeper than you could have imagined. And as the night continues, all those thoughts get worse and the pain is greater than you could have imagined. And all you keep thinking is how are you going to get through another day feeling these things that are so heavy?

It’s waking up and for five seconds you forget how much pain you are in. And you wish you could just hang onto those five seconds.

But then it hits you all over again, like it’s new and you are reminded of how hurt you’re feeling. It’s reaching for your phone, only there isn’t that text you are used to getting. It’s another reminder of how alone you’re feeling. It’s the notifications that no longer come with a familiar name that made you smile. It’s the pictures you used to look back smiling at but now it hurts because you aren’t those people anymore. And endings have a way of showing people’s true colors and it kills you that the perception each of you might have of one another is tarnished.

It’s waking up and going through your day and just trying to get through the next 24 hours without crying. It’s trying to channel it into productivity, but there’s a lack of even caring about anything at all. So you search for anything to fill the void of pain caused whether it’s drinking your face off or whatever, but all it does is leave you more empty. 

And you’ll talk to anyone who will listen trying really hard to just understand what it is you’re feeling and why you can’t make it stop. But no matter how many people you tell, the outcome doesn’t change, it’s still you alone and empty.

And it doesn’t matter how much you cry because eventually you run out of tears and the pain is just there.

And everyone tries to say things like everything happens for a reason. Or time will heal the pain. But right now you’re not there. You can’t see a future of healing and you dwell in the past of what used to be two people who were happy and good to each other. It’s hard to see that change.

It’s even harder when you might be the one at fault. Even if you were the one causing someone else pain, it doesn’t make it any easier to deal with. If anything, you hate yourself more for it.

Heartbreak hurts as much as it does because regardless who may be at fault, there’s a trust you had in someone that got ruined along the way and there’s no fixing it.

And everyone will say it will get better or you’ll get over it. But I truly believe there are some scars we live with, that you just take along the way with you and over time you just learn to function with the missing pieces.

I can tell you it will be okay. But right now it’s not and you are allowed to feel this pain and you’re allowed to cry as hard as you’d like to or talk to anyone you want to. It’s a process.

And the deeper you loved someone, the longer it’s going to take.

But what I can tell you regardless of how it went down and what you are feeling, you aren’t alone in any of it even if it might feel like you are right now. 

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