The truth is, she won’t tell you about any of it really because she’s still trying to process it all.
She’s still hurt even though she’s putting on a brave face.
She’s still mourning the loss of something she thought was different than it turned out to be.
Someone she thought was different.
She’s won’t tell you she’s hurt.
She won’t tell you the moment the opinion she had of you changed.
But she looked at you, someone so familiar as suddenly a stranger.
And words strung together that broke her, she knew wasn’t love but the opposite.
And she replayed it in her mind holding back tears.
She knew this pain that was just now coming to the surface would consume.
The truth was exactly what she wanted to avoid.
But the truth no matter how ugly it is always comes out, and when it does, the person who gets hurt the most isn’t the one who deserves it.
She won’t tell you how she’s not sleeping at night, but that she’s tired during the day.
She won’t tell you how she’s not even hungry and doesn’t know why.
She won’t tell you how she’s trying to channel this into something greater than herself but every time she does, it ends with her confused, hurt, and more broken.
She won’t tell you she still looks at her phone every morning wondering when any of this will make sense.
Or when she’ll stop waking up with this pain that is the only reminder she’s alive. Because she’s going through the motions lifeless.
The truth is, she didn’t just lose you, she lost herself trying to keep you.
And watching as she fell apart in your absence made her realize how not fine she was
She says she’s fine when you ask her, but you haven’t seen her since.
She’s trying to keep it together. She’s trying to be nice.
And maybe you talked and maybe she answered, but what isn’t being said is this truth.
Because how do you look someone you love in the eyes and tell them you broke me?
How do you look someone you love in the eyes and say I still love you but I hate what you did to me?
How do you look someone you love in the eyes and say despite all of this, I can’t stop thinking about you and I’m struggling to move on?
You don’t say those things because there is nothing anyone can say to follow that or fix it.
This pain is irreversible.
This person she used to look at with eyes of perfection, she now realizes is tainted. Someone she can’t trust. Someone she should question. Because when given the chance to hold her heart in your hands, you dropped it. And she was left to clean up the mess.
But this pain consumes her and the past replays in her mind like a kaleidoscope of mixed colors, and she just keeps wondering why didn’t she see is coming?
She doesn’t want to blame you. She doesn’t want to be angry. And she’s not angry or spiteful in the least. She’s just hurt.
In fact, she’s pinning all this on herself thinking the pain she feels is completely and totally something she caused.
Like there was a sign she misread or something she’s making up. And it’s you she owes an apology to.
She won’t tell you how much you hurt her because she feels guilty about it.
She’s trying to be brave.
She’s trying to be strong.
But more than anything she’s just trying to heal.