Open Topic

When You Tell Her…

When you tell her that you love her then you choose someone else, what you’re really saying is love is a lie.

When you tell her that you love her then you choose someone else, what you’re really saying is I love someone else more.

When you tell her that you love her then you choose someone else, what you’re really saying is you’ll always be my second choice.

When you tell her that you love her then you choose someone else, what you’re really saying is I don’t love you enough to do anything about it.

When you tell her that you love her then you choose someone else, what you’re really saying is I don’t know the meaning of true love.

When you tell her that you love her then you choose someone else, what you teach her is love is a competition.

When you tell her that you love her then you choose someone else, what you teach her is she’s not worthy of someone’s love in full.

When you tell her that you love her then you choose someone else, what you teach her is to not believe or trust love in the future.

When you tell her that you love her then you choose someone else, what you teach her love is associated with pain.

When you tell her that you love her then you choose someone else, what you teach her is to fear love.

When you tell her that you love her then you choose someone else, what you’re really doing is breaking her heart every time that you say it.

When you tell her that you love her then you choose someone else, what you’re really doing is ruining her for anyone else in the future.

When you tell her that you love her then you choose someone else, what you’re really doing is proving to her love isn’t enough sometimes. 



Open Topic

Don’t Let Him Go.

When you meet the guy who calls you back after you hang up on him, don’t let him go. 

When you meet the guy who doesn’t let you go to bed angry and stays up just to fix the problem, don’t let him go.

When you meet the guy who drives hours just to see you and spend time with you, don’t let him go.

When you meet the guy who surprises you just because and doesn’t care if it’s reciprocated only that it makes you happy, don’t let him go.

Don’t let him go if he opens doors and pulls out chairs and takes your coat.

Don’t let him go if he’s the one who always reaches for the bill.

Don’t let him go if he wants to be the one to prove to you chivalry isn’t dead. 

Don’t let him go if he adores his sister and speaks highly of his mother.

Don’t let him go if he apologizes because he’s man enough to know he’s made a mistake.

Don’t let him go if he never stops telling you you’re beautiful.

When you meet the guy who tries hard to stand by you even when you’re being difficult, don’t let him go.

When he wants to meet your family and treats your parents well, don’t let him go.

When he wants you in his future so he doesn’t bring up the past, don’t let him go.

Don’t let him go if he’s not afraid to show you exactly how much you mean whether that is through actions or simplistic gestures like holding your hand or pulling you in close to kiss your forehead.

Don’t let him go if he’s someone you can rely on and he won’t ever let you down.

Don’t let him go if he’s the one you can’t stop thinking about.

The one you want to talk to all time.

The one you miss before he leaves as the time you do have comes to an end.

Don’t let him go if he’s the one you can’t stop talking about.

When you meet a guy who stays up just to make sure you got home safe, don’t let him go.

When you meet a guy who motives aren’t ones to trick you, don’t let him go.

When you meet a guy who doesn’t like the people who treat you poorly, don’t let him go.

Don’t let him go if he doesn’t play games, but has tried to win you over with honesty.

Don’t let him go if he’s not afraid to admit he loves you.

Don’t let him go if he keeps his word and doesn’t use them to paint some lie.

Because good, honest guys like these do exist.

They are rare and hard to find, but they are out there.

Don’t let him go if he respects you and would never want to hurt you.

When the thought of you in pain causes him heartbreak.

Don’t let him go if he sends flowers, even though he hates cliches.

Don’t let him go if he asks you to slow dance, even though he’s got two left feet.

Don’t let him go if he’s willing to do anything for you at any given time.

The one who answers at 2 AM and says he’ll be there then is, don’t let him go.

When you meet a guy who makes you want to be a better person, kinder, softer, more honest, don’t let him go. 

Because guys like these are hard to find. Value them. Appreciate them. Love them with everything you have.

Guys like these get taken advantage of and think they have to change.

We ruin good guys running after the ones who hurt us.

We ruin good guys because they think it’s them that’s doing something wrong.

But in reality, they are doing everything right.

But when you meet a guy like this, they teach you love isn’t some game to play where your heart is the pawn.

They teach you honesty and vulnerability aren’t a weakness.

They teach you caring is okay.

When you meet the guy who answers immediately without thinking twice about it…

When you meet the guy who never stops trying to win you over even when you’re already his…

When you meet the guy who is good…

Realize his worth.

Because good guys aren’t the ones who need to change.

What needs to change is our appreciation and realization of the ones who might be right under our noses.

Because as much as every girl deserves the best, good guys deserve a pat on the back for being this way.

So don’t let him go.

Because I swear to you if you find a guy like this, you’ll regret ever letting him go.



Open Topic

My Dark Place.

Depression. There are some days it just hits me so entirely hard I don’t know what to do. I’m paralyzed in a moment of this wave of negativity that takes over my entire being. Usually, those moments hit me late at night. When I’m laying there alone at 3 AM. I look at a phone and this device used to connect us makes me feel more lonely. The silence makes me think no one cares. Depression tries to convince me I’m unloved. I’m unwanted. I’m alone.

In time, I’ve learned to live with this thing. I’ve learned to separate depressed thoughts with those that are the truth. I’ve learned how to tell which is which. I’ve trained myself to stop believing the lies depression tells me.

But these waves of sadness come every so often and it feels like I’m drowning. And I’m reaching for anyone or anything to pull me out. But at the same time, I don’t want to. I don’t want anyone to be dragged into this. I catch my breath only to be taken out by the next wave I didn’t see coming. I’m trying to just get to my feet but I keep falling.

Only no one sees it. 

What they see is someone who smiles and laughs and functions. What they see is someone who is high-achieving and eager to please people. What they see is someone who is always busy trying to not let this thing define or dictate my life. What they see is someone who is so put together. I use the term “too put together” because so much of my life and what I put out there isn’t the reality of what I deal with. I go through the motions clinging to anything that gives me something to look forward to, something to make me smile, something that gives me hope in those nights it feels like it’s been lost. 

I’m tired, but I can’t sleep.

Every day of my life I’m exhausted. I’m exhausted going through the motions pretending things are fine. I’m exhausted feeling through these intense emotions when they hit me from out of nowhere and knock the wind out of me. I’m exhausted not understanding why I feel the way I do. 

And I don’t sleep. No matter how tired I am, I can’t seem to make it through the night and wake up in the morning. 

I’m hungry but I don’t care to eat. 

Basic necessities go uncared for. I can go hours not realizing the last time I ate could have been a day earlier. Hunger pains don’t compare to this pain I just live with. I don’t have it in me to go out and get food. I don’t feel like leaving. I don’t have it in me to cook simply because I don’t feel like it. There are days when I’m just eating to survive. But then there are days I overindulge maybe to make up for it. 

Everything is so unbalanced in my life. 

I’m sad, but I don’t know why I’m crying.

There are moments where I’m alone and I just start crying for no reason what-so-ever. But then there are times I completely repress it and hold it in and ignore the pain I’m feeling which makes it ten times worse when it hits. 

I’m lonely even when I have company.

I could be standing in a crowded room and feel like the loneliest person there, even if I’m talking to someone. Most the time it’s small talk or something fake. And the art of pretending is something I’ve mastered. 

I want to be in the moment, I want to be happy but there are times when I’m so emotionally checked out. 

I’m talking, but I’m saying the right things.

Telling people how awful you feel or how sad you are isn’t what they want to hear. They want to hear you’re doing great, you’re happy things couldn’t be better. So that’s what I tell them. 

I’m awake and it’s morning, but I can’t leave my bed. 

I think back to the days where I wasn’t as depressed and I could get up and go for a run or go to the gym. But there are moments where I just want to stay in bed and not leave. But I have a job. I have obligations. I have people that I refuse to let down. And I could call out. I could use a sick day because I never have before, but is it an acceptable excuse to say you’re emotionally sick and just need a break? I know I won’t ever do that. 

Ironically though, that break, if ever I took it, only makes things worse. I feel guilty for not being stronger. I feel lazy. I feed into depression then it turns back around lashes at me for succumbing to it. 

So I get up and I get through the day. Some days are easy. Some days I love. Other days my eyes can’t even stay open, my body hurts. But I walk into work and I smile and I get my job done. 

You ask me what’s wrong and I say, tired.

My mom used to ask me why am I always tired and the truth is, it’s easier to say that then admit I’m sad for no reason at all. Take vitamins. Go to bed earlier. But the truth about depression is, no matter how much I sleep, sleep doesn’t fix a soul that is drained. 

You ask me why I feel the way I do, and I don’t have an answer. 

There’s no way to answer why, because I don’t have that answer. It’s just this feeling. That’s the only way I can describe it. Because when everything in my life is going well and I’m successful and have friends and a loving family and an active social life, I have every reason to be happy and I’m frustrated that I’m not.

So you work at it. 

But the truth is, those tough days give me a new appreciation for the good ones. And somehow the silver lining in it once I feel through everything is being overcome with how grateful I am for all of it.

Open Topic

Goodbye.

When she finally musters the courage to leave, she might not even say goodbye.

Because actually saying goodbye will break her heart.

Goodbye will give you a chance to tell her not to go. 

Goodbye will give you a chance to apologize.

And it’s not that she’s weak because she’s stayed around this long. She’s strong enough for believing in you.

She’s strong enough to have held on as long as she has.

Goodbye will give you a chance to charm her with words that aren’t followed by actions.

Goodbye will let you know you hurt her. 

So she won’t say goodbye.

She’ll go quietly without a word and you might not even notice at first.

But what you will notice is, when she doesn’t answer immediately and you’ll wonder what she’s doing.

What you will notice is, how long it’s been since you last spoke.

What you will notice is, one less like that comes across your news feed.

What you will notice is, she’s not looking at your latest story on snap chat or Instagram.

What you will notice is, how you can’t even remember the last time you saw her but you suddenly miss her. 

And it’ll be then you try for her attention, but it’s taking everything in her to ignore you because she doesn’t want to.

What you will notice is, how you suddenly are blowing up her news feed hoping she makes the move reaching out to you.

It’ll be a double text you send. A triple like. Multiple snaps of something that reminds you of her. And you’ll see that she opened it, but still hasn’t answered.

Ironically it’ll be in that moment you realize you don’t have her the way you used to. 

And she’s not angry, mad, or bitter. Despite how much pain you’ve caused her if anyone asked what she thought of you, she’d still have nothing but good things to say. She’d still say she loves you.

But she’s just trying to do what’s best for her.

Because letting go hurts her like hell, but holding on to someone who didn’t care enough to show it only destroyed her.

She loves you. And that’s why this is all so hard for her. She’s loving someone who is incapable of loving her back.

And it isn’t anyone’s fault. Sometimes these feelings just happen.

But what you didn’t see is, how those days or weeks you didn’t notice the silence and distance between you two, felt like months to her.

What you didn’t see is, how many times she typed a message wanting to tell you something but deleted it because if you cared you would have started a conversation. 

What you didn’t see is, the snap she took and she scrolled to your name only to continue walking because the moment she stopped trying, your presence in her life began to fade.

What you didn’t see is, her tossing and turning every night missing someone who didn’t even care enough to notice she left.

What you didn’t see is, her going on dates comparing you to every person sitting across from her.

What you and a lot of other people might have seen is, her smiling in every picture.

What you and a lot of other people might have seen is, her throwing back shots and laughing when every night ended her alone in tears.

She won’t say goodbye. She’s just going to leave.

She’s going to leave and pray to God you realize. 


Open Topic

Flattered.

Don’t be flattered by the guy who likes the picture of your family. 

Be flattered by the guy who wants to meet them.

Don’t be flattered by the guy who comments on a selfie.

Be flattered by the guy who always makes you feel beautiful that you don’t need anyone else’s validation.

Don’t be flattered that he liked your profile picture you changed.

Be flattered by the guy who wants to change your relationship status.

Don’t be flattered that you both swiped right and matched.

Be flattered by the guy who doesn’t need an app to confidently make a move.

Don’t be flattered and get giddy he sent you a flower emoji or heart.

Be flattered by what he actually sends, like your favorite flowers to show you he cares.

Don’t be flattered he answered and only made you wait for a little while. 

Be flattered by the guy who answers immediately.

Don’t be flattered over an hour plus conversation.

Be flattered by the one that happens IRL.

Don’t be flattered because he viewed your story first.

Be happy that he doesn’t need to because you’re together.

Don’t be flattered when he says I miss you.

Be flattered when he shows up at your door because he couldn’t bare it anymore.

Don’t be flattered he made time to text you.

Texts take 3 seconds to send.

Be flattered that he took time out of his day to see you.

Don’t be flattered that he said good morning.

Be flattered that he wanted to wake up next to you and say it.

Don’t be flattered he wished you happy birthday first.

Be flattered when he wants to spend the day with you.

Don’t be flattered you have this relationship with the help of a phone.

Be flattered by the person who makes you forget to look at it.

Because the right type of relationship isn’t bound and glued together with the help of a phone.

It’s just two people who connect emotionally, not virally.

It’s two people who make the choice to prove the other person matters. 

And they show it by more than a like.



Open Topic

Mindset Of A Female Cheater.

I am a 40-something woman near the end of my divorce, and I am the one who cheated on her husband.  

I have always hated the idea of cheaters. Sleazy, lying scumbags who were only out for themselves. Selfish egocentrics who were mostly men, with the exception of the soap opera vixen type. Certainly not a clean cut suburban woman like me.

As I have come to experience firsthand, sometimes there is more than meets the eye when it comes to infidelity.

I grew up with an unfaithful father.  I knew without knowing from the time I was young, that my dad was a habitual cheater.  The arguments in front of me and my sisters stained my childhood and gave me an insecurity that I’ve finally conquered as an adult.  I hated cheating and swore to myself (and my husband) that I would never be unfaithful.

I don’t condone cheating. It is toxic to a marriage and a family, immoral and myopic.  And yet, I have done what I promised I would not do.

My marriage disintegrated slowly throughout about 15 of its 20 years. Looking back, I now understand the fatal flaws and I know better.  But in my 20s when I chose the man I would marry, I honestly didn’t know what it actually meant to be compatible with someone.  I didn’t comprehend the factors we’d need to cement our marriage into our twilight years.

I was looking at surface likes and dislikes, political party and our shared preference for Italian food.  He was handsome, athletic and had a good job. Unfortunately, the facade was all there was.  I was in a marriage without a friend.  He didn’t ask about my work or my friends, sometimes didn’t say goodbye when he left the house.  He didn’t want date nights with me, just the two of us.  He’d say I should go with my friends, but when I did, he didn’t ask where I was going, who I was going with, and he didn’t say I looked pretty.  I felt ignored.

I wasn’t happy and knew I’d never be.  Still, I told myself this was the decision I made.  I was married and I decided I’d make the best of it. I didn’t consider divorce.  What I hadn’t realized is that over time I grieved the end of my marriage while I was still in it.  I lay awake in bed at night crying, wondering how it was ever going to get better.  He was next to me in bed, never a word to me, never wrapped his arms around me, never asked what was wrong.  Our sex life was rote and obligatory and from a standpoint of true intimacy, completely unfulfilling.  I was incredibly lonely.

I talked to him, asked him why and told him what I needed.  I tried speaking in a number of different ways, quietly, lovingly, matter-of-fact and angrily.  I asked about couples therapy, but he refused.  Sometimes he would make an effort and that helped restore my hope that we would be okay. But more often he was defensive and said I imagined all this, said I was overreacting.

So I threw myself into my work and ignored my own needs. I did this for a very long time and continued to put myself last on my own priority list.

When I cheated on my husband, it wasn’t something I planned.  I know “that’s what they all say” but it’s true.  I certainly wasn’t looking for it.  A friendship with another man grew into something that was not tawdry sex, but a renewed sense of happiness and hope.  It evolved over time and wasn’t based on lust, but conversation, appreciation, and understanding. Things I hadn’t really ever had from my husband.  As I told my best friend to help explain it, sometimes you don’t realize you’re in an abyss until you begin to see daylight.

For those who say I didn’t try – I DID, for the better part of a decade and a half.  For those who will judge me, I understand and that’s your right. Again, I don’t condone cheating.  If I had known what would happen and was aware of myself enough to understand what it all meant, I would go back and end my marriage before any infidelity took place. But I didn’t realize much of anything at the time, even as I was going through it.  

For me and my situation, I truly believe it was inevitable and the only way things could have happened.

Open Topic

Why People Cheat.

It’s a Saturday afternoon. You’re at a barbecue with your friends. While you wait for the grill to get fired up you start playing “Never Have I Ever.” It’s a dumb game you’d play in middle school, but alas there you are going around, daring others to come out with their secret. And then someone plays the cruelest trick by saying, “Never have I ever cheated.” The entire table bursts into nervous giggles and glances. What’s best, to lie or to just say admit it confidently?

There are many reasons why married people cheat. Risk factors such as personality disorders and childhood issues, as well as opportunities such as social media and poor boundaries, can increase the chance that one of these reasons will actually lead to some type of affair.

Frustration in the marriage is one common trigger; the cheater may make several attempts to solve problems to no avail. Maybe they had second thoughts about getting married or they were jealous over the attention given to a new baby and neither had the skill set to communicate these feelings. Perhaps the straying spouse has childhood baggage, neglect, abuse, or a parent who cheated that interferes with his or her ability to maintain a committed relationship. Less often, the cheater doesn’t value monogamy, lacks empathy, or simply doesn’t care about the consequences.

We will take a look at a number of risk factors and causes for cheating, but it’s important to point out up front that a partner doesn’t cause their spouse to cheat. Whether it was a cry for help, an exit strategy, or a means to get revenge after being cheated on themselves, the cheater alone is responsible for cheating.

Motivations Differ by Sex

Men are more likely to have affairs than women and are often seeking more sex or attention. Men express their love in a more physical way — they often don’t have the perfect “feeling words” for their wives. So sex becomes an important path to connection and intimacy. If men aren’t sexually satisfied (for instance, if their spouse declines sex often), they take that rejection to heart, and it can easily translate to feeling “unloved.” In fact, men are more likely than women to cheat due to a feeling of insecurity.

When women cheat, they’re often trying to fill an emotional void. Women frequently complain of disconnection from a spouse, and of the wish to be desired and cherished. Women are more likely to feel unappreciated or ignored, and seek the emotional intimacy of an extramarital relationship. An affair is more often a “transitional” partner for the woman as a way to end the relationship. She is seriously looking to leave her marriage and this other person helps her do just that. 

That’s not to say that sexual satisfaction isn’t a primary driver of affairs for wives as well as husbands.

Similarly, boredom with the marital relationship may lead both men and women to cheat.

Causes and Risk Factors

There’s a myriad of reasons or causes why men or women may engage in an extramarital liaison, but certain risk factors, either with one of the individuals or the marriage as a whole, increase the odds it will happen.

Risk Factors With an Individual

The general rule is that it takes two to tango, or in this case, to mess up their marriage with an affair, but there are certainly exceptions. Individual factors that may increase the chance of infidelity include:

Addiction: Substance abuse issues, whether it”s addiction to alcohol, drugs, gambling, or something else, are clear risk factors. Alcohol, in particular, can reduce inhibitions so that a person who wouldn’t consider having an affair when sober, may cross the line.

Previous Cheating: The saying “once a cheater, always a cheater” is more than an old wives tale. A 2017 study was the first to evaluate the credibility of this saying. In this study, those who were involved in an extramarital sexual relationship were three times more likely to become involved in extramarital relationships in their next relationship.

Personality Disorders and Psychological Issues: People who have strong narcissistic traits or personality disorders such as narcissistic personality disorder or antisocial personality disorder are more likely to cheat. With narcissism, an affair may be driven by ego and a sense of entitlement. In addition to being self-centered, people with these disorders often lack empathy, so they don’t appreciate the impact of their actions on their spouse.

The particular psychological issues or personality traits that raise the risk of adultery in marriage may differ between the sexes.

Some attachment styles, such as attachment avoidance or attachment insecurity, as well as intimacy disorders, have also been looked at in relationship to a propensity to cheat. Poor self-esteem and insecurity can also raise the risk of an affair as a way to prove worthiness.

Mental Illness: Some mental illnesses, such as bipolar disorder are a risk factor for cheating in marriage.

Childhood Issues: Having a history of childhood trauma (such as physical, sexual, or emotional abuse or neglect) is associated with a higher chance that a person will cheat (if he or she has not addressed the trauma and has unresolved issues).

Exposure to infidelity in childhood can also increase the risk of infidelity. A 2015 review found that children who are exposed to a parent having an affair are twice as likely to have an affair themselves.

Sex Addiction: Certainly, sex addiction in one partner increases the chance that they will be unsatisfied with the physical aspect of their marriage and look elsewhere.

Risk Factors with the Relationship

Problems in the marital relationship can also be a risk factor for cheating. Some of these include:

  • Lack of communication
  • Emotional and/or physical disconnect
  • Low compatibility (people who married for the wrong reasons): Low compatibility can lead to a sense of “buyer’s remorse”
  • Domestic violence and emotional abuse
  • Financial pressures
  • Lack of respect

Reasons for Cheating

With or without individual or marital risk factors there are a number of possible reasons for marital infidelity. Underlying many of the reasons, however, lie a few threads. One is the role of unmet needs. One partner may be incapable of fulfilling their partner’s needs, but far too often, those needs have not been expressed. Marital partners are not mind readers. Another is the lack of addressing problems directly.

Running away from problems (conflict avoidance) rather than staying and addressing them is another crucial element in communication and commitment in marriage.

Some of the reasons cited as the cause for cheating include:

Unhappiness/Dissatisfaction: Dissatisfaction with the marriage either emotionally or sexually is common. Marriage is work, and without mutual nurturing couples may grow apart. A sexless marriage is often claimed as a reason by both men and women.

Feeling Unappreciated: Feeling unvalued or neglected can lead to infidelity in both sexes, but is more common in women. When both partners work, women still often carry the brunt of the work when it comes to caring for the home and children. In this situation, the affair validates the person’s sense of worthiness. On the flip side of this, however, is that feeling neglected may be related to unrealistic expectations of a partner rather than true neglect.

Lack of Commitment: Everything else aside, a 2018 study found that people who are less committed to their relationship are more likely to cheat.

Boredom: As noted, boredom can lead to an affair in both men and women who are looking for the thrill of the chase and the excitement and passion associated with newfound love. Some people claim that, rather than looking for a substitute for their partner, their fling is a way to spice up their marriage. Falling out of love is also frequently cited as a reason for cheating, but maybe a lack of understanding of the normal maturing of love in marriage.

Body Image/Aging: Illustrated frequently by stories of middle-aged men having an affair with women the age of their daughters, cheating may sometimes be a way for a man (or woman) to prove that they still “have it.” Hand in hand with these thoughts, a spouse may cast blame for their own indiscretions by claiming that their spouse has “let himself/herself go.”

Revenge: If one partner has had an affair or has damaged the partner in some way, the offended partner may feel a need for revenge resulting in an affair.

Secondary Reasons for Cheating

In addition to the primary reasons for cheating noted above, there are secondary reasons that may lead to an affair. Some of these include:

The Internet: Having an affair, especially an emotional affair is much easier than in past, and social media sites have been implicated in many affairs and divorces. Internet Infidelity or “online cheating” is still cheating, even if the two people never met face to face.

Pornography: While it’s role in marital infidelity has been downplayed, pornography is dangerous to marriage and has clearly been demonstrated to be a “gateway” for some people. Unfortunately, pornography has become much more accessible to the internet.

Opportunity: Periods of absence, whether traveling for work or serving in the military provide greater opportunity for an affair to occur. Not only do these absences allow a spouse to have an affair with little risk of being discovered, but the absence may lead to the loneliness and resentment often cited as reasons.

While a long-distance marriage is not ideal, there are ways to keep your marriage stronger when apart.

Poor Boundaries: Poor personal boundaries or the limits we place on other people as to what we find acceptable or unacceptable, can also increase the chance that an affair will occur. People who find it hard to say no (being overly compliant or “people pleasers”) may find themselves in an affair even if it wasn’t what they desired in the first place.

Coping With a Cheating Spouse

Sometimes people have a suspicion that their spouse is cheating but don’t have any solid evidence. While often the best approach in marriage is to be direct, you may wonder if it will cause more damage to ask directly. And, of course, the answer your spouse gives could either be the truth or a lie. The best approach will vary for different couples, but if you’re concerned, it may be a good idea to look for some of the signs.

Cry for Help vs. Exit Strategy

In some marriages, an affair is a cry for help, a way to force the couple to finally face the problems that both parties are aware of but aren’t addressing. In this case, the partner often actually tries to get caught as a way of bringing the issue to the fore. Other times a partner may simply see infidelity as an exit strategy—a way to end an unhappy marriage.

Regardless of the underlying reason a spouse cheats, it can either devastate a marriage or be the catalyst for rebuilding it, depending upon how the infidelity is dealt with.

When You’ve Been Wronged

You may, however, want to explore how the dynamics between you and your spouse led you to this point. Recognizing that infidelity is a symptom of deeper issues can lead a couple to fixing the underlying problem in their relationship and grow closer.

Women tend to find emotional affairs more threatening than sexual affairs, whereas men are more willing to forgive emotional affairs but for both, the most common response to learning of their partner’s affair is jealousy. Even if you were the one wronged, working with a professional may be helpful in coping and recovering yourself. Unresolved jealousy can lead to resentment, and as the old adage claims: “Resentment is like poison you drink yourself, and then wait for the other person to die.”

Overcoming Infidelity

Some couples can move past infidelity and move on to have an even better relationship, whereas some cannot. Certainly, there are times when continuing the marriage wouldn’t be recommended. Before you analyze the specifics of the affair from your spouses perspective and look at why the affair occurred in terms of his or her needs, it’s important to look at your own needs. This can be more challenging than it sounds, especially amidst the jealousy and anger.

If you were the one who had an affair, there are several steps you can take if you hope to save your marriage. Foremost you need to stop cheating and lying immediately and own your choice. Being patient and giving your spouse space is essential. That doesn’t say it will work out. It may not. But without accepting full responsibility (not blaming or justifying your behavior) the chances will be low.

The chance that you can get past the affair depends on many factors, such as the reasons why it occurred and characteristics of both people. To truly understand and move forward, both partners will need to listen to the other (which can be extremely challenging in this setting), and not assume that their partner’s motivation or feelings would be the same as their own. For those who decide to try to overcome infidelity, it appears that the mutual capacity to forgive and a strong commitment to the relationship are key.

A Word From Perfectly Imperfect Blogg

There are many potential reasons for cheating, and marriage is complicated. But speaking directly, expressing your needs, practicing forgiveness, and making a commitment to work on your marriage daily are the best insurance plan to protect your marriage.