It’s a Saturday afternoon. You’re at a barbecue with your friends. While you wait for the grill to get fired up you start playing “Never Have I Ever.” It’s a dumb game you’d play in middle school, but alas there you are going around, daring others to come out with their secret. And then someone plays the cruelest trick by saying, “Never have I ever cheated.” The entire table bursts into nervous giggles and glances. What’s best, to lie or to just say admit it confidently?
There are many reasons why married people cheat. Risk factors such as personality disorders and childhood issues, as well as opportunities such as social media and poor boundaries, can increase the chance that one of these reasons will actually lead to some type of affair.
Frustration in the marriage is one common trigger; the cheater may make several attempts to solve problems to no avail. Maybe they had second thoughts about getting married or they were jealous over the attention given to a new baby and neither had the skill set to communicate these feelings. Perhaps the straying spouse has childhood baggage, neglect, abuse, or a parent who cheated that interferes with his or her ability to maintain a committed relationship. Less often, the cheater doesn’t value monogamy, lacks empathy, or simply doesn’t care about the consequences.
We will take a look at a number of risk factors and causes for cheating, but it’s important to point out up front that a partner doesn’t cause their spouse to cheat. Whether it was a cry for help, an exit strategy, or a means to get revenge after being cheated on themselves, the cheater alone is responsible for cheating.
Motivations Differ by Sex
Men are more likely to have affairs than women and are often seeking more sex or attention. Men express their love in a more physical way — they often don’t have the perfect “feeling words” for their wives. So sex becomes an important path to connection and intimacy. If men aren’t sexually satisfied (for instance, if their spouse declines sex often), they take that rejection to heart, and it can easily translate to feeling “unloved.” In fact, men are more likely than women to cheat due to a feeling of insecurity.
When women cheat, they’re often trying to fill an emotional void. Women frequently complain of disconnection from a spouse, and of the wish to be desired and cherished. Women are more likely to feel unappreciated or ignored, and seek the emotional intimacy of an extramarital relationship. An affair is more often a “transitional” partner for the woman as a way to end the relationship. She is seriously looking to leave her marriage and this other person helps her do just that.
That’s not to say that sexual satisfaction isn’t a primary driver of affairs for wives as well as husbands.
Similarly, boredom with the marital relationship may lead both men and women to cheat.
Causes and Risk Factors
There’s a myriad of reasons or causes why men or women may engage in an extramarital liaison, but certain risk factors, either with one of the individuals or the marriage as a whole, increase the odds it will happen.
Risk Factors With an Individual
The general rule is that it takes two to tango, or in this case, to mess up their marriage with an affair, but there are certainly exceptions. Individual factors that may increase the chance of infidelity include:
Addiction: Substance abuse issues, whether it”s addiction to alcohol, drugs, gambling, or something else, are clear risk factors. Alcohol, in particular, can reduce inhibitions so that a person who wouldn’t consider having an affair when sober, may cross the line.
Previous Cheating: The saying “once a cheater, always a cheater” is more than an old wives tale. A 2017 study was the first to evaluate the credibility of this saying. In this study, those who were involved in an extramarital sexual relationship were three times more likely to become involved in extramarital relationships in their next relationship.
Personality Disorders and Psychological Issues: People who have strong narcissistic traits or personality disorders such as narcissistic personality disorder or antisocial personality disorder are more likely to cheat. With narcissism, an affair may be driven by ego and a sense of entitlement. In addition to being self-centered, people with these disorders often lack empathy, so they don’t appreciate the impact of their actions on their spouse.
The particular psychological issues or personality traits that raise the risk of adultery in marriage may differ between the sexes.
Some attachment styles, such as attachment avoidance or attachment insecurity, as well as intimacy disorders, have also been looked at in relationship to a propensity to cheat. Poor self-esteem and insecurity can also raise the risk of an affair as a way to prove worthiness.
Mental Illness: Some mental illnesses, such as bipolar disorder are a risk factor for cheating in marriage.
Childhood Issues: Having a history of childhood trauma (such as physical, sexual, or emotional abuse or neglect) is associated with a higher chance that a person will cheat (if he or she has not addressed the trauma and has unresolved issues).
Exposure to infidelity in childhood can also increase the risk of infidelity. A 2015 review found that children who are exposed to a parent having an affair are twice as likely to have an affair themselves.
Sex Addiction: Certainly, sex addiction in one partner increases the chance that they will be unsatisfied with the physical aspect of their marriage and look elsewhere.
Risk Factors with the Relationship
Problems in the marital relationship can also be a risk factor for cheating. Some of these include:
- Lack of communication
- Emotional and/or physical disconnect
- Low compatibility (people who married for the wrong reasons): Low compatibility can lead to a sense of “buyer’s remorse”
- Domestic violence and emotional abuse
- Financial pressures
- Lack of respect
Reasons for Cheating
With or without individual or marital risk factors there are a number of possible reasons for marital infidelity. Underlying many of the reasons, however, lie a few threads. One is the role of unmet needs. One partner may be incapable of fulfilling their partner’s needs, but far too often, those needs have not been expressed. Marital partners are not mind readers. Another is the lack of addressing problems directly.
Running away from problems (conflict avoidance) rather than staying and addressing them is another crucial element in communication and commitment in marriage.
Some of the reasons cited as the cause for cheating include:
Unhappiness/Dissatisfaction: Dissatisfaction with the marriage either emotionally or sexually is common. Marriage is work, and without mutual nurturing couples may grow apart. A sexless marriage is often claimed as a reason by both men and women.
Feeling Unappreciated: Feeling unvalued or neglected can lead to infidelity in both sexes, but is more common in women. When both partners work, women still often carry the brunt of the work when it comes to caring for the home and children. In this situation, the affair validates the person’s sense of worthiness. On the flip side of this, however, is that feeling neglected may be related to unrealistic expectations of a partner rather than true neglect.
Lack of Commitment: Everything else aside, a 2018 study found that people who are less committed to their relationship are more likely to cheat.
Boredom: As noted, boredom can lead to an affair in both men and women who are looking for the thrill of the chase and the excitement and passion associated with newfound love. Some people claim that, rather than looking for a substitute for their partner, their fling is a way to spice up their marriage. Falling out of love is also frequently cited as a reason for cheating, but maybe a lack of understanding of the normal maturing of love in marriage.
Body Image/Aging: Illustrated frequently by stories of middle-aged men having an affair with women the age of their daughters, cheating may sometimes be a way for a man (or woman) to prove that they still “have it.” Hand in hand with these thoughts, a spouse may cast blame for their own indiscretions by claiming that their spouse has “let himself/herself go.”
Revenge: If one partner has had an affair or has damaged the partner in some way, the offended partner may feel a need for revenge resulting in an affair.
Secondary Reasons for Cheating
In addition to the primary reasons for cheating noted above, there are secondary reasons that may lead to an affair. Some of these include:
The Internet: Having an affair, especially an emotional affair is much easier than in past, and social media sites have been implicated in many affairs and divorces. Internet Infidelity or “online cheating” is still cheating, even if the two people never met face to face.
Pornography: While it’s role in marital infidelity has been downplayed, pornography is dangerous to marriage and has clearly been demonstrated to be a “gateway” for some people. Unfortunately, pornography has become much more accessible to the internet.
Opportunity: Periods of absence, whether traveling for work or serving in the military provide greater opportunity for an affair to occur. Not only do these absences allow a spouse to have an affair with little risk of being discovered, but the absence may lead to the loneliness and resentment often cited as reasons.
While a long-distance marriage is not ideal, there are ways to keep your marriage stronger when apart.
Poor Boundaries: Poor personal boundaries or the limits we place on other people as to what we find acceptable or unacceptable, can also increase the chance that an affair will occur. People who find it hard to say no (being overly compliant or “people pleasers”) may find themselves in an affair even if it wasn’t what they desired in the first place.
Coping With a Cheating Spouse
Sometimes people have a suspicion that their spouse is cheating but don’t have any solid evidence. While often the best approach in marriage is to be direct, you may wonder if it will cause more damage to ask directly. And, of course, the answer your spouse gives could either be the truth or a lie. The best approach will vary for different couples, but if you’re concerned, it may be a good idea to look for some of the signs.
Cry for Help vs. Exit Strategy
In some marriages, an affair is a cry for help, a way to force the couple to finally face the problems that both parties are aware of but aren’t addressing. In this case, the partner often actually tries to get caught as a way of bringing the issue to the fore. Other times a partner may simply see infidelity as an exit strategy—a way to end an unhappy marriage.
Regardless of the underlying reason a spouse cheats, it can either devastate a marriage or be the catalyst for rebuilding it, depending upon how the infidelity is dealt with.
When You’ve Been Wronged
You may, however, want to explore how the dynamics between you and your spouse led you to this point. Recognizing that infidelity is a symptom of deeper issues can lead a couple to fixing the underlying problem in their relationship and grow closer.
Women tend to find emotional affairs more threatening than sexual affairs, whereas men are more willing to forgive emotional affairs but for both, the most common response to learning of their partner’s affair is jealousy. Even if you were the one wronged, working with a professional may be helpful in coping and recovering yourself. Unresolved jealousy can lead to resentment, and as the old adage claims: “Resentment is like poison you drink yourself, and then wait for the other person to die.”
Some couples can move past infidelity and move on to have an even better relationship, whereas some cannot. Certainly, there are times when continuing the marriage wouldn’t be recommended. Before you analyze the specifics of the affair from your spouses perspective and look at why the affair occurred in terms of his or her needs, it’s important to look at your own needs. This can be more challenging than it sounds, especially amidst the jealousy and anger.
If you were the one who had an affair, there are several steps you can take if you hope to save your marriage. Foremost you need to stop cheating and lying immediately and own your choice. Being patient and giving your spouse space is essential. That doesn’t say it will work out. It may not. But without accepting full responsibility (not blaming or justifying your behavior) the chances will be low.
The chance that you can get past the affair depends on many factors, such as the reasons why it occurred and characteristics of both people. To truly understand and move forward, both partners will need to listen to the other (which can be extremely challenging in this setting), and not assume that their partner’s motivation or feelings would be the same as their own. For those who decide to try to overcome infidelity, it appears that the mutual capacity to forgive and a strong commitment to the relationship are key.
A Word From Perfectly Imperfect Blogg
There are many potential reasons for cheating, and marriage is complicated. But speaking directly, expressing your needs, practicing forgiveness, and making a commitment to work on your marriage daily are the best insurance plan to protect your marriage.