The Letter To Michelle Carter.

Dear Michelle,

This will be the third letter I write you, in the years I’ve followed this case, watching finally as it comes to the attention of the public.

Reading every article your family posts across social media in hopes to find justice in a tragedy that could have been avoided.

The same questions arise in my mind as they did when I wrote you my first letter years ago.

How? Why? What were you thinking?

Was it you that wanted to kill yourself?

Were you encouraging him to take his own life because maybe suicidal thoughts are ones you’ve had, but you were never able to follow through with it?

Were you looking for attention as the grieving girlfriend? Were you trying to be some hero? Because it certainly seemed that way when you set up a fundraiser for mental health awareness in the weeks after he died.

You don’t prevent suicide through fundraisers after the fact. You prevent suicide by not encouraging someone to kill themselves. 

You prevent suicide by getting someone the help they need, not calling them a coward for not following through with it.

You prevent suicide by not giving them a list of ways to do it.

You prevent suicide by telling someone what is going on, not trying to cover your ass afterward.

I don’t care what they say in court to try to justify and defend you. I don’t care how they spin this. Because yes, it wasn’t you that killed Conrad. But you had the ability to stop him from killing himself. You made a deliberate choice to do the opposite of what you should have.

You texted your friend that you could have stopped him. I think you sent that text not out of guilt, but out of hopes that your friend would feel sorry for you and reassure you it wasn’t your fault.

It was your fault. All of this could have been avoided.

The greatest conflict I have with this isn’t just how poorly you handled this, but how can you claim to love someone, then encourage them to take their own life? The conversation about suicide when someone confides in you isn’t something that happens once, it’s something that is thought about, talked about and conversed about long before the attempt. The second he brought up the word suicide you should have told someone.

You don’t prevent suicide by ensuring the attempt is successful, you prevent it by never allowing someone to get to that point of an attempt in the first place.

You didn’t just lose a boyfriend. Someone lost their son. Someone lost their brother. Someone lost their teammate. Someone lost their friend.

And that’s what you have to live with regardless of the verdict.

What I can’t wrap my head around in all this is, you actually believed suicide was a solution. And that’s the greater problem here. That is what we need to teach people isn’t true. Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.

I hope people learn from your mistakes about what proper suicide prevention actually is.

You could have come out as a hero in all this had you acted rationally and logically. But you didn’t.

A true hero is someone that does the right thing and doesn’t look for attention while doing it.

This story hits very close to me because I’ve been where you were in this situation. But the difference was in the way I handled someone confiding in me about their suicidal thoughts. I made the most difficult phone call in my entire life to the people who needed to know.

I lost someone I cared about as a friend because I didn’t keep their secret and he thought I betrayed him. But the thought that crossed my mind when in your place was I’d rather lose someone living, than stand at his casket knowing I could have prevented this. 

Trust me when I say there are no words more humbling than that of thank you when someone looks at you and says the reason they are still here is that of you. There is nothing more emotional than the parent who thanks you for saving their son’s life.

Conrad will never thank you. His parents will never forgive you. His sisters will never know what it’s like to grow up with an older brother. And he will never be able to fulfill his dreams and future everyone saw even when he couldn’t.

You failed him.

My only wish was he never met you because maybe then he’d still be alive.

Michelle Carter.


What Is Love?

I think sometimes we associate love with infatuation. Our judgment becomes clouded based on how we feel, not what is real. But when we look at an almost relationship as love, what we are really doing is devaluing it. We are accepting less than we deserve. We are loving someone first even when they aren’t reciprocating it. That isn’t love.

Love is black and white and clear as day. It doesn’t come with splashes of gray and confusion. Love isn’t compromising your self-respect because they are making you try too hard. Love doesn’t require you to go more than half way because love meets you in the middle. Love doesn’t mess with your head. Love doesn’t play games. Love doesn’t tell you I’m not ready. Love doesn’t pretend to be a relationship, then fail to put a label on it. Love doesn’t pull you close, just to push you away. Love doesn’t use you. Love doesn’t ignore you. Love doesn’t treat you well one day, then bad the next. Love isn’t something that’s difficult, but rather it adds simplicity and a level of comfort and reassurance.

Love does not leave you insecure questioning yourself as you look at your reflection. Love does not make you feel like you have to compete for someone’s time of attention. Love does not constantly disappoint you and let you down. Love doesn’t hide you or keep you a secret.

Love builds you up and supports you. Love is there every time you need them to be. Love is teamwork and someone always in your corner. Love are the sacrifices you make because someone else’s happiness is your own. Love is looking at someone and counting your blessings that they are yours. It’s continuing to grow together, even in the moments you are a part. Love is someone who makes you a better version of yourself. Love is in that smile when you open your eyes and they are right there next to you. Love is the comfort in the company when you wake up and you aren’t alone and fall back to sleep carelessly because they are right there.

Love are the holidays you look forward to because you know it’ll be with them. Love is the communication without words when you look at them across the room. Loving is missing someone before they leave and not wanting them to.

When we accept an almost relationship as love, what we are really doing is allowing someone into our hearts who hasn’t earned a place there.

When we accept an almost relationship as love, what we are really doing is saying it’s okay if we aren’t loved back.

Almost relationships make you work for something you shouldn’t have to work for. Almost relationships is that person being selfish and taking your best while giving their worst. Almost relationships justify mistreatment of not answering or canceling because you aren’t dating and they don’t have an obligation to you. 

But what happens when you think an almost relationship is love is, you ruin love for yourself. You are telling the other person I don’t respect myself enough to demand what I deserve, and I’m afraid to ask for it. You are telling the other person it’s okay to keep treating me like this and I won’t change how I treat you. You are telling the other person I don’t actually know the real meaning of love because once you experience love, the real thing, it’s impossible to ever accept something less than that.

Almost relationships make you come across as desperate, desperate for the love you should be giving yourself. 

So please stop saying it’s love, when feeling that way towards someone hurts you. Love doesn’t hurt. Love heals. And once you let go of this relationship that isn’t real even if you so desperately want it to be, what you allow into your life is a chance at the real thing. But that can only happen if you choose to let go.

And I know it hurts to let go. But when holding onto someone hurts also, that’s when you know they aren’t meant for you even if you don’t want that to be true.


When You Cheat…

When you tell a lie, you steal someone’s right to the truth. When you cheat, you steal the right to fairness. – The Kite Runner 

When I sat across the table listening as she told me the story of her breakup, the words cheating left me hating someone I didn’t even know. Here before me sat this beautiful girl, inside and out, and the only thought that crossed my mind was, “how could anyone cheat on someone like you?” The next thought that crossed my mind was, “it’s his loss.”

But I listened to fine details as she questioned herself like it was her fault. Like it was something she did wrong. Like she was to blame for someone’s inability to see her worth and value. And as she ran over details questioning everything, and I watched as she broke before me. I saw firsthand the effects cheating had on someone. And all I wanted to do was hug her and tell her “his loss will be someone’s gain.” But I knew in my heart she wouldn’t believe me because he didn’t just take away a relationship from her, he took so much more in an act selfishness.

When you cheat, what you take away from someone is their self-confidence. Suddenly they are looking at their reflection like there’s something they need to improve on and change.

When you cheat, what you take away from someone is their self-respect. You made them look like a fool because you couldn’t be loyal. 

When you cheat, what you take away from someone is the right to the truth. Suddenly everything in the past feels like a lie as they run over details that used to make them smile, they can’t anymore. 

When you cheat, what you take away from someone is disbelieving in love. Because what you teach them is it’s a lie. And they never fully get over that or let someone that close in the future. 

I sat on a barstool across the table from my ex and I knew I’d come for answers that would be hard to hear. Maybe that’s why I didn’t cry when he owned up to everything. Maybe that’s why I didn’t flinch when he admitted it. Maybe that’s why I sat there calmly with a mature response I didn’t know I had in me at 21 years old at the time. “If you are learning from this experience, even if it’s at the cost of breaking my heart and it makes you better for the next relationship, then that’s all I can hope for.” 

When you cheat, what you take away from someone are nights of sleep as they toss and turn because the truth completely blindsided and traumatized them. 

When you cheat, what you take away from someone is their happiness because you were this person who made them so happy, but all of that is gone now and there is this cold reality it was never real to begin with.

When you cheat, what you take away from someone is trusting anyone because no matter how many compliments you gave them, something tells them it wasn’t enough and that’s why you weren’t loyal. 

When you cheat, what you leave them with is a crippling pain as they break down at random times during the day feeling completely ashamed of it. Because you don’t just get over someone cheating that easily. 

I looked at her as I ordered a drink smiling. Then I looked at him across the room. Part of me wanted to tell her what I knew. Girl code. She deserved the truth. But she also deserved better. I just didn’t want to be the one to break it to her. I knew it wasn’t my place. I knew karma or fate would eventually reveal the ugly cards he was playing in some game he thought he made up the rules to. So I said “thank you” and I walked away. 

When you cheat, you ruin them. You destroy them. You leave them insecure. You leave them doubting themselves. 

When you cheat, what you leave them with is a strength they didn’t even know they had and they know they can overcome anything. 

When you cheat, what you leave them with is a new found self and being so cautious no one will ever hurt them that way again. 

When you cheat, what you leave them with is knowing it was your loss this whole time and not theirs. 

When you cheat, what you leave them with is an opportunity and a chance to meet someone who would never even think to cheat on them, because your mistake is someone’s prayers finally answered. 

When you cheat, you give them a happy ending you didn’t deserve to be a part of in the first place. 

So cheat if you want to. Lie. Sneak around. But know the truth, no matter how coy you think you are, always will get revealed. And in the end, it’s you who ends up alone and eventually, you will get a taste of your own medicine. 


Be Happy By Yourself.

Be alone until you are truly happy with yourself. 

Until you kill every insecurity you have. 

Until you change the dialogue and conversations you have with yourself. 

Be alone until you learn to stop hating yourself. 

Be alone until you realize you deserve the best. 

But it starts with giving the best to the person looking back at you in the mirror. 

Be alone until you don’t need a relationship for validation.

But you find that in yourself. 

Be alone until you go out to have fun, not just hoping you’ll meet someone. 

Be alone until you look at your reflection with the admiration it deserves.

And you can truly say, “I love myself.”

Be alone until you don’t feel lonely spending time by yourself, but it gives you a sense of confidence. 

Be alone until you have these set of standards you refuse to lower until someone meets them. 

Be alone until you have enough self-respect to not tolerate less than you deserve. Until you look at every relationship you are a part as it’s them gaining something. Be alone until you are a little bit cocky. Because you deserve to be.

Be alone until you are a little bit selfish. 

Be alone until you realize your favorite person to spoil is yourself. 

Take that trip alone. 

Do something that scares. 

Be alone until you don’t cringe looking at that plus one invite and confidently walk through those doors alone. 

Be alone until you don’t look at other couples jealous. 

Until you don’t scroll through your news feed seeing only relationships wondering why it’s not your turn yet?

Be alone until you don’t want a relationship and are happy without one. 

Because that’s when it’ll come to you.

Until then, be alone. 

Enjoy it. 

Because one day you are going to lose that freedom. 

But you’ll realize it’s a gain and you get to share all these things with someone else. 

Be alone until you have something on the ball to offer them. 

Because if the only thing you have going for you is a relationship, there’s a chance you can lose it.

And if you haven’t established a relationship with yourself that acts as the solid foundation for every other relationship whatever you try to build on, instability will crumble.

So be alone until you’re ready for something real. 

Be alone and admit you still have things to work on. 

Because that’s okay to admit. 

What isn’t okay is trying to use a relationship to provide you with the things you should be giving yourself. 

So until, then be alone.

And learn to be happy by yourself.



Love Has No Labels.

Heartbreak doesn’t discriminate. It doesn’t ask if you dated and for how long. Heartbreak doesn’t care for labels. It doesn’t feel any less real just because they weren’t your boyfriend or girlfriend. Sometimes it hurts, even more, getting over someone you were never with solely because there’s that “what if” factor that plays into it.

When relationships have labels, you’re either together or you’re not. You’re either single or with them. But when you’re emotionally invested in someone who won’t commit to you or give you what you need, you constantly seek validation through lines that are blurry and rewritten time and time again.

You hold onto hope that one day it will be something.

The hard part about endings is, when there wasn’t a beginning to compare it to. Suddenly you were just emotionally invested in this person with no going back.

Then it’s over and you’re just expected to be okay.

You’re left having to mourn a relationship that wasn’t actually one, but you loved them like it was real.

Feelings are real and you don’t need a label to justify that.

Don’t let someone make you feel guilty for this heartbreak. Sometimes we love people we didn’t date deeper than anyone we did.

It’s not a breakup, but it feels like one. You aren’t sleeping at night. You find yourself crying at 3 am. You wake up tired looking at your phone remembering when they used to be that text or notification you woke up to. Now your phone it a little more silent. You miss them, but you also miss the possibility and belief that this could have been something. The pain is a little deeper, but you can’t express these things publicly.

You can’t break down because if you do, people will try to justify this reaction and say something like, “well you didn’t even date?”

You don’t have to date people to fall in love with them. And you don’t have to date people to get hurt by them. When your heart is invested in someone, the pain feels exactly the same.

But the hardest part is, trying to move on when they don’t realize you are hurting. When they don’t even realize how much of an emotional toll you took on them.

So you answer their texts. You try to be strong. You pretend that you accept the circumstances and you guys can be friendly and cordial.

But it’s destroying you every time they reach out, because seeing them is this reminder of what you’ll never be. And you’re losing sleep over someone who is probably sleeping with someone else.

I know how much it hurts. I know what it’s like to replay everything in the past wondering what signs you read wrong. I know what it’s like to spend time with someone that you might not even have had a physical relationship with, but emotionally it couldn’t have just been you that felt it.

And I know what it’s like to not be able to clearly articulate this pain that consumes you. You got your heart broken by someone who should be easy to get over. But when you love someone and you really wanted to be something more, the pain you feel is something that will take time to get over. And that’s okay.

But what isn’t okay is you trying to be strong by keeping them in your life.

Maybe they notice as you pull away. Maybe they realize you aren’t talking as much. Maybe they call you out on it wondering if something is wrong. 

And part of you wants to scream “YES, I’M HURT.” “I FEEL COMPLETELY BROKEN.” YOU DESTROYED ME.” But you stay silent because something about mourning an ending when there wasn’t actually a beginning makes you look like a fool.

But it’s not all on you. This person led you to believe something was there. Had they been completely honest from the start you wouldn’t have fallen so fast, but they didn’t. Instead, they knew how you felt, maybe they added fuel to the fire. Maybe there was a physical relationship there without a label. Maybe they told you everything you wanted to hear to keep you around because your presence boosted their ego.

Regardless of how it applies to you and your situation, someone let you fall for them when they had no intention of catching you. So don’t feel guilty for this pain you feel you have to repress just because there wasn’t some label attached to it.

Cry as hard as you need to. Feel things as deeply as you do. Pull away without an explanation because you don’t deserve this pain and they don’t deserve you.

But be sure that when you do heal and your tears dry, you never allow them to make you feel this way again.

Because just as you deserved a relationship in all this, you also deserve time to heal even if they weren’t yours completely.


You Lose Her…

You lose her when you make her feel like an option, when all she ever did was make you a priority. 

You lose her when you keep her at arm’s length, when all she’s ever done is choose you.

You lose her a little more every time that you confuse her and draw lines that are too blurry to see.

You lose her every time you lie to her.

You lose her when you don’t commit. When all she’s ever done is pick you. 

You lose her every time you leave her and she feels a little empty.

You lose her every time you use her. Physically or emotionally.

You lose her when you pull away and act like it’s nothing when you return.

You lose her when you tell her to leave, then get angry at her going.

You lose her when you play games. Like how you ignore her text just to blow up her news feed. 

You lose her when you let her in just to push her away.

You lose her when you tell her you like her, but not enough to do anything about it.

You lose her every time she fights for you, but it’s only her fighting.

You lose her when you tell her that you love her, but everything you say is a contradiction of how you act. 

You lose her when you don’t answer, and she’s left staring at her phone.

You lose her when you give someone else the chance to treat her the way you choose not to.

You lose her when she’s finally had enough, and it breaks her to walk away.

You lose her when she looks back and doesn’t see you coming after her.

You lose her when she whispers goodbye, when all she wants is a reason to stay.

You lose her because you don’t deserve someone like her.

And ironically, it’ll only be after you lose her do you realize what you had.

But by then, it’ll already be too late.


Her Best Friend.

The truth is, her best friend hates you the way she should.

But she’s emotionally invested in you. She tolerates all this bullshit you continue to throw at her. She tolerates the games. She answers every time, even though she knows she shouldn’t. You jump and she says how high. You tell her to meet you somewhere and she’s already on her way before you can cancel or change plans. She feeds into that ego boost you need. She lets you get away with a lot.

What you don’t see is the emotional toll it’s taking on her being treated this way. You’re not the one who sees her analyzing every text hoping there’s something between the lines there. You aren’t the one seeing how she interrupts everything. You aren’t up with her at night wondering why you said what you said. You aren’t there wiping her tears or watching as she drinks the pain away, only to have it all hit her at once. You aren’t there holding her hand encouraging her to leave and every time she tries to, you pull her back in.

Her heart breaks loving someone like you and her best friend’s heart breaks watching her self-destruct thinking love hurts this much.

Because her best friend knows this isn’t love.

Her friend hates you because she sees what you are doing. You’re making her some option. You’re assuming she’ll always be there just because she has in the past. You think you can get away with whatever you want. But it will catch up to you.

The truth is, she believes in you. She’s holding onto hope. But she’ll get tired of waiting, watching, hoping, and trying so hard for someone.

Her best friend is telling her she deserves more, she deserves better, she should let you go and walk away. Her best friend thinks you’re the biggest piece of shit for what you are doing to her.

You can’t hook up with her then tell her you don’t like her. 

You can’t tell her you like her, but right now is not the right time.

You can’t use her as you want to even if she’s letting you get away with it.

Her best friend hates you for all of this. And you better pray to God you don’t cross paths.

While she’s fumbling through your texts and mixed signals, her best friend is looking forward to your encounter. She’s looking forward to giving you a piece of her mind. She’s looking forward to ripping you to shreds in ways you can’t even comprehend.

She loves that girl in ways you don’t understand. She’ll protect her even in the moments she’s causing her own self-destruction. And she does not tolerate watching her being taken advantage of and used.

Her best friend knows her worth. And she constantly reminds her of it. And at the end of all this, it won’t be you standing next to her but her best friend picking up the broken pieces of the chaos you created in her life.

Her best friend hates you, so even if you get your head out of your ass and realize her worth, you two will never be together because her best friend won’t allow her to settle for someone like you.