Tsunamis, Not Waves.

I didn’t miss you at first. At first, it was easy. We parted ways and it hurt but when something is over, you just feel it in your bones. There was no denying an ending was coming our way even when both of us were denying it. We wanted to spare each other’s feelings but holding onto something that isn’t there, hurts more than letting go. 

We parted ways with a hug and a kiss. I drove away smiling. I was happy we ended on good terms. A thank you was uttered on both ends because there was no denying the love we had for each other.

In the time we were together, and the time I had you with me, I was grateful for it. But with you came a sense of insecurity I couldn’t shake. Like I was bound to say goodbye at some point. But I never thought that day would actually come. I never thought you’d pull away when I reached for your hand. I never thought our last kiss would be something I had to try hard to remember.

But days turned into weeks, that turned into months, and I was forgetting everything. Like you were just some page in my book that I was supposed to turn so easily. But there were words I reread and an ending I didn’t want to get to. I thought being fixated upon the past and trying so hard to not forget, would change the future. But all it left me with was a story I didn’t like the ending to.

That was when I started to miss you most.

The nights that kept me tossing and turning. The dreams where you met me in my sleep. The uncomfort in waking up alone when I remembered what it was like to have you next to me.

Then it began to hurt. It hurt when people asked how you were and I couldn’t tell them the answer. Because I didn’t know. It hurt getting that plus one invite and assuming I’d take you. It hurt going alone watching love before my eyes and maybe it was inconsiderate of me to be jealous of a happy ending I always thought would be where we ended up.

I began to miss you, but it was almost like I was missing a piece of myself because in every bit of my reflection I saw you looking back at me. So much of who I was, was because of you.

And in everyone I looked at, I looked for you in a desperate attempt to find myself. And every place I went, I was hoping you’d be there. Maybe we’d make eye contact. Maybe you’d see me and remember. But of the greater fear I had, if ever that encounter became a reality, was you forgot everything I couldn’t seem to.

I missed having a friend to turn to. I missed having someone to love. I missed having someone to talk to. I missed knowing with confidence there was someone other than myself I could rely on. But the phone stopped ringing and we became strangers I never thought we’d be.

I miss everything about you. I miss everything about us.

It doesn’t just come in waves it comes in tsunamis that never seems to let me catch my breath. Without you, it feels like I’m drowning like everything is a fog as I twist and turn under water, not even knowing which way is up.

The tears are hidden under water and no one can even tell I’m crying or struggling or gasping for breath as I let out a silent scream hoping and praying this pain will subside and I will come out of this.

It feels like I’m drowning, but if you look at me you’d see someone calm. You’d see someone who looks like they have it all together.

I didn’t want to miss you like this, like every sip of alcohol reminds me of the past I should forget, but can’t seem to. Where every blurry person in a crowded bar looks like you. Where every night out ends with me in tears on the bathroom floor, uncertain how to process this pain that consumes me. Then I wake up the next day with my head throbbing and I realize I’m not okay. Nothing is okay.

And everyone says I’ll get over you. I’ll forget you. But how do you forget someone who gave you so much to remember?

Maybe I’m hanging on to something that is long gone. Maybe I remember the past better than it was. Maybe I’m clinging to pain because it’s the only thing that reminds me I’m actually alive and feeling anything at all. Because in a desperate attempt to numb all this I feel, all I’ve come to realize people never stay but the pain does. And maybe I like knowing at least that I can rely on. 

Jerk!

Know she’s a good friend. But you want to know what? Should have been an even better girlfriend had you given her the chance.

Instead of giving her a chance, you led her on. 

Instead of giving her a chance, you played games.

Instead of giving her a chance, you messed with her head, and sent a million mixed signals.

Instead of giving her a chance, you made her think she had to work for your time and attention.

And she tried.

The truth is, she thought the world of you. She loved you. She would have done anything for you. And continues to prove that by trying to be your friend.

But it’s honestly killing her.

She’s trying to be strong putting on a brave face and smiling, but you don’t see her run to the bathroom and fix her makeup as she holds back tears. 

She’s trying to be strong, so she keeps answering you. She keeps giving her best. But the truth is, she’s so hurt.

She stays up at night tossing and turning replaying things in her mind wondering which signals she read wrong.

She overthinks everything, blaming herself when in reality, you didn’t have the decency to tell her you weren’t interested.

Instead of telling her you weren’t interested, you reaped the benefits of her attention. 

Instead of telling her you weren’t interested, you took everything she had to give without reciprocating it.

Instead of telling her you weren’t interested, you spent time with her, you listened to her, you broke down her walls until she trusted you at her most vulnerable state.

Instead of telling her you weren’t interested, you did everything to make her believe you were.

So don’t blame her for pulling away. She needs to. Don’t question her when she doesn’t answer. Because it’s killing her not to. Don’t pick a fight because you don’t understand why she’s hurt and upset. It’s only making it worse.

You weren’t honest with her.

You didn’t tell her there was someone else.

That’s all you had to say. But for some reason, you kept those details under lock and key.

So don’t blame her for reacting the way she did. Because as surprised as you might be at her reaction, imagine how blindsided she felt.

You made her feel like a fool for not knowing something you didn’t tell her.

Put yourself in your shoes.

You never told her to stop trying, so she didn’t.

You never told her to back off, so she didn’t.

You want to be her friend, but you don’t even know the meaning of friendship.

Personally, when I choose friends, I don’t pick the ones that make me cry myself to sleep at night.

And she’s pretending like this is okay. She’s pretending things are fine.

Because it’s easier to pretend then call you out on your bullshit and tell you you’ve been a dick.

I’m sorry, but you don’t get to be her friend after you broke her heart.

Because with friends like that, who needs enemies. 

My Reasons Why.

“I came to life when I first kissed you. The best me has his arms around you. You make me better than I was before, thank God I’m yours. The worst me is just a long gone memory. You put a new heartbeat inside of me.” –Russal Dickerson

One morning you leaned over and said, “There are billions of people in this world. What made you choose me?”

You’re so very right – there are billions of people in this world, but not one of them is you. You see, with you, I am more me than I have ever been before. In a room full of people, the only thing I would see are those crystal blue eyes. It is in your presence that I feel at peace. It’s where everything makes so much sense.

I chose you because when you smile, my whole world lights up.

I chose you because you kiss away all of my fears.

I chose you because you value me.

I chose you because we have so much fun together.

I chose you because you have the most genuine heart.

I chose you because you fail to make me laugh.

I chose you because you make love so effortless.

I chose you because you say “good morning, beautiful” every day.

I chose you because you send electricity up my spine when you kiss me.

I chose you because you make me want to better myself.

I chose you because you’re perfectly imperfect.

I chose you because you validate my effort.

I chose you because I can picture you being a supportive husband.

I chose you because you have a magnificent mind.

I chose you because I think the world of you.

I chose you because your soul is the best thing in the universe.

I chose you because you have an undefeatable spirit that just keeps giving.

I chose you because you make me feel like the only girl in the world.

I chose you because you chose me.

I chose you because you’re talented.

I chose you because you’re full of life.

I chose you because you are so insanely intelligent.

I chose you because I trust you.

I chose you because I felt safe with you from the start.

I chose you because you were so patient with me.

I chose you because you love my heart.

I chose you because you love your family.

I chose you because of your relationship with God.

I chose you because of those perfect eyes.

I chose you because nobody else compares.

I chose you because you make reality better than any dream I ever had.

So, if you find yourself second-guessing, this is what I want you to know. I want you to know that I will always choose you.

I will choose you over and over again. I will choose you without a doubt, without hesitation, without fear, and with every beat of my heart.

I will never stop choosing you.

I Will Choose You.

I will choose you. Even on the days when you are tired and worn, when you can barely lift your head from the pillow, when you roll over, a groan escaping your lips. Even on the mornings when you curse the bathroom mirror, when you shrug on your clothes in the dark, when you brew your morning coffee and sip it slowly with the lights off. Still, I will choose you.

I will rise from bed and cross that kitchen floor. I will wrap my arms around your tired body and lean my forehead against your chest. I will breathe deeply and slowly, praying for you, willing all my love to follow you wherever you go.

I will choose you, even when a smile is far from your face, even when you are angry and bitter. Still, I will smile, and kiss your cheek and tell you I love you. Still, I will go back to sleep, even just for an hour, dreaming of your hand in mine. Still, I will choose you.

I will choose you. Even on the days when you do not choose yourself, on the nights when your hair is a mess and your posture is slumped. Even when you smell like stale beer, or complain far too much, or scream at the t.v., or tell me that you just want to be alone. Still, I will choose you.

I will let you have your space and take mine willingly. I will care about you, near and far, and support you in whatever way I can. I will use my words, my heart to build you up when you are broken. I will never let you fight alone.

I will choose you, even when you do not think you’re capable of being the man I know you are. When you doubt, still I will stand beside you, encouraging and fighting and believing. Still, I will love you, even on your darkest days. Still, I will choose you.

I will choose you. Even when we don’t agree, even when our voices raise, even when we argue and I want, so desperately, to run. Even on the nights I pull away from you, scoot closer to the opposite side of the bed, cross my arms and withhold forgiveness, even though I know that’s not right. Still, I will choose you.

I will love you, no matter the anger I feel. I will care, even if my heart seems far away. Though it might take time with my stubbornness, I will eventually roll back to your side of the pillow, curl myself up in your arms.

I will choose you, even when you make me mad. My love for you won’t fade simply because we are angry. I know we will fight, we will be frustrated, we will be human. Still, I will go to battle for you. Still, I will choose you.

I will choose you. On the best days, on the worst nights. In the instances we almost forget how beautiful our connection is. Even when there are other options, even when opportunities knock on my door, even when I feel an inkling to leave and find myself with someone else. Still, I will choose you.

I will keep our bonds, our promises. I will remind myself of the good, even if we’re lost in the bad. I will reach for you when you feel far away. I will speak, and not let my emotions go unsaid.

I will choose you, even in the doubt. Even in the moments we both hesitate, wondering whether this is love. I will accept that we are flawed and imperfect, and still I will love you anyway. No matter what this world throws at us, you will forever be mine. Still, I will choose you.

I will choose you. And keep choosing you, every single day.