Open Topic

One Day.

I don’t know when one day will be. But it’s a day I both look forward to and regret. Because on that day, I’ll be over you. I won’t want you the way I’ve wanted you for so long. I won’t pine after you the way I have. You won’t be every thought that consumes me in a busy day. I will have moved on. And you’ll be just another story in the past. And when we cross paths, it’ll hurt me to say, “he’s someone I used to know.”

Because you are so much more than that. You were someone I wanted so badly to be the love of my life. But for some reason everything I gave, everything I invested, fell short. And I was left looking at my reflection like it was me that wasn’t good enough.

What took me time to realize was, sometimes your best will never be good enough if it isn’t the right person.

But I swore you were. I would have banked on it. I let love blind my judgement as I invested time and emotions into someone who couldn’t meet me halfway.

But one day you’re going to wish you did.

One day you’ll see me with someone else laughing and smiling the way I used to with you. The only difference is, that someone else probably doesn’t make me cry myself to sleep at night. 

Maybe I won’t see you as you watch me across the room.

Maybe we’ll bump into each other and initially my heart will race as our eyes meet. I’ll wonder if you can still read me the way you used to. I’ll stand there guilty as feelings come rushing back without any control. But I won’t say I miss you. I won’t tell you I love you. Instead, I’ll introduce you to the person next to me. And there will be a moment where it hits you, that could have been you. It should have been you.

But the maybes, the one days, and the confusion wasn’t getting me the relationship I needed. And there wasn’t enough love I could give you to make up for what you lacked.

You’ll look at me and even standing in front of you, you’ll miss me. You’ll realize what I must have felt so many times before. Because I learned, the hardest way to miss someone is, when they are right there not being what you need.

But more than missing me, you’ll miss the little things.

You’ll miss the conversations that only continued when you wanted it to. You’ll miss only talking about you. You’ll miss the attention and knowing with confidence someone cared, even when you couldn’t reciprocate it. You’ll miss the calls you used to ignore. Then text back when you felt like. You’ll miss the pictures I used to send. Sharing in every good moment. You’ll miss being the first to know when something good happened. You’ll miss hearing about the bad stuff too. Being the shoulder I leaned on sometimes when I needed it. You’ll miss being needed, wanted, and loved.

You’ll miss the things I used to tag you in. The messages I used to send. The kind words that made you smile when you were busy, even when you didn’t say anything back. You’ll miss the snaps I answered too quickly. And you’ll wonder why I haven’t looked at your story first. You’ll wonder why I didn’t care to look at all. You’ll wonder where I am and who I’m with.

And you’ll think about texting me, but you won’t. You won’t because even you know I deserve better than someone who had to lose me to realize my worth.

The what-ifs will creep up late at night. Just as they did me. And just as I tossed and turned and wondered about you, you’ll do the same. 

Maybe I’ll meet you in dreams that haunt you.

Maybe then you’ll realize.

Maybe you’ll be lying next to someone you wish was me

Maybe you’ll build up the courage to check up on me.

Maybe you’re just wondering if I still care.

I think no matter how much time passes, you’re someone I’ll always care for and love deeply. But I couldn’t keep waiting for you to love me back. I played every best card I had trying to get you to love me. What I realized was, it wasn’t supposed to be that hard. But there was no doubt I loved you.

Sometimes you have to lose something to realize what you had.

I know love well enough that once it starts hurting, it’s not the right love anymore. 

And walking away took everything in me. Because getting over you was the hardest thing I ever had to do. Because just as there are moments you miss me. There are moments you look for me in everyone else. I do that to. And I might be smiling and holding someone else’s hand. But there are times I wish it was you.

But I couldn’t keep waiting, wishing, and hoping while compromising my self-respect. I had to walk away. I had to stop trying. I had to fall out of love with you in hopes that maybe in my absence you’d learn to love me the same. 

Open Topic

You Never Wanted It To End.

When it’s a breakup you don’t want but need, there isn’t hostility. There isn’t some dramatic ending with ugly words thrown, and you suddenly hate the person, which makes it a little easier.

You know when you mask the pain with anger, sometimes it’s easier to move on. But when you aren’t even angry at the person and you still walk away loving them, it’s just this pain of losing someone you really care for.

You’re happy to just know the person. You’re happy to have loved them. And be loved by them. And even with the pain, you find yourself grateful for all of it. You have this standard you refuse to lower because of everything they did, everything they are, and everything they made you.

You end on good terms, but it’s almost like you’ve lost part of who you are in them.

It’s losing the person you talk to throughout the day. It’s waking up and staring at the phone, remembering when it used to be their name you saw on the screen. It’s laying in a bed that now feels too big for one, as you recall reaching for them in the dark. It’s good news you used to share with them. The bad news, and they used to be the ones holding you up. Now you gotta do all those things alone. It’s the extra time of the day where it suddenly feels like there’s too much. Because when you share a life with someone, it never felt like there was time for yourself but now you feel lonely.

You know it had to end, but knowing that doesn’t make it any easier.

Even though it ended and things might be over, they still made you so happy.

Sometimes though it’s not that black and white. And the last thing it is, is easy. Relationships end for all sorts of reasons, even when you love the shit out of each other. Sometimes love isn’t enough to make it work. 

Sometimes you have to grow apart from people you love to see if there’s any hope of growing back together.

Sometimes being with someone doesn’t allow you to grow alone the way you need to.

So you have to let them go. And it’s not because you didn’t love them enough or you weren’t right or good enough. Sometimes you are perfect for each other but there’s that factor of evaluating if you are the person you need to be for that type of relationship.

The thing is, when you try to force a relationship when it’s obvious that something is off or there is something alone you each need to work on, there are going to be a million little problems and fights that arise that isn’t addressing the actual issue.

But eventually that truth will reveal itself and it might be ugly. But it will come out.

You’ll be at this crossroad of do we continue to stumble alone walking side by side? Or do we each go our own way in hopes somewhere down the line we find our way back to each other?

And it hurts to let go. But it hurts holding onto something that’s not there anymore.

The thing to remember when the heartbreak of parting ways overwhelms you and you don’t want to let them go, keep in mind some people stay in our hearts and not in our lives, and when you’re lucky, when you are really lucky, you find your way back to each other. Only the second time around you’ll be even better versions of yourself and that relationship will be one of the strongest forces in your life. But first, you have to be strong alone to make that discovery.