Open Topic

When I Look Back.

“Fin’lly got over that song of ours; stopped chasin’ little red sports cars,
To check the license plates an’ I quit drivin’ by your place.
I can walk right by your picture in a frame an’ not feel a thing.
But when I hear your name,
I feel rain fallin’ right out of the blue sky.
When the conversation turns to you,
I get caught in a “you were the only one for me”,
Kinda thought, an’ your face is all that I see.
I know I can’t go back when I still go back.” – Keith Anderson

When I think back to us, first I’m overcome with how horribly it ended. I guess when someone means that much to you, there’s no graceful way to exit. There’s no way something like that could ever end on good terms. And it didn’t. Horrible words were exchanged that clearly had been building up for a while and next thing I knew, it was over. And in a desperate attempt to try to fix something, I called too much and texted too often but the damage was already done. The stone was already thrown. 

Suddenly it felt like I was drowning. Drowning in my own thoughts wondering how we got here.

But the thoughts that consume me more as time has passed, are all the good memories we had. 

You were my best friend. My soulmate. So I thought. Of the many things I was uncertain of in my future, I looked at you with confidence that you’d always be there. You were my number one fan far before anyone else was. I think back to every vacation you were always welcome on. Because as much as I loved you, so did my parents. As much as I wanted you in my life, my parent’s looked at you like you were the best thing to happen to me. 

I think back to every fight I had with them and how you always came to pick me up, no questions asked. I think back to every gift you surprised me with and how over time it became comfortable, but I counted my blessings too. I thought back to the funeral where you were standing by my side, and didn’t once leave. And how every accomplishment was achieved with your unwavering support and encouragement. 

I think back to no matter how many fights we got in, we always found a way to resolve it. How regardless of the distance between us, it never felt that far. Because when you found someone who would drive 4 hours just to see you for 1, you knew how special it was. I look back at the pictures of us smiling and laughing. I never thought memories like that would later bring such pain.

Now here we are strangers. I know nothing about the life you lead, and you know nothing about mine. It’s like all we have in common is this past we want to forget. But I can’t seem to. How do you forget someone who brought so much joy and happiness to your life? Because even though it ended badly, I still look at all the good you brought my life. 

And here I am a completely different person. 

I find myself wondering would you like who I became? Would we get along? Would you agree with the decisions I’ve made and the life I chose? And more than that, would you be proud?

Along with not existing in my real life, all evidence of what we were and what we meant to each other too, might have been erased across social media but they are pictures I refuse to delete. Because part of me doesn’t want to forget you. 

I’m always wary of our run-ins, even though there’s been so much time between us.

The first time we crossed paths, I resorted to drugs dealing with it. Nothing good came of that from the things I do remember. 

The next time we saw each other, it was like we were doing a synchronized dance to avoid each other from across the room. You saw me. I saw you. But we avoided each other like the plague. 

Then recently I saw you walk in a spot that’s always been mine. A place where I’ve always felt comfortable. But the hairs on my neck rose as I watched. It hit me in that moment how we really were strangers. I didn’t know anyone you were with. And I don’t know if you saw me or not, but I watched out of the corner of my eye. I noticed how great you looked as I analyzed my own wardrobe. They say always dress like you’re going to run into an ex. 

Part of me wanted to go up to you and ask how you were. Try to at least be civil this way it wouldn’t hurt so much. But I couldn’t bring myself to do that. What I didn’t want to discover is, how this was still hurting me and how maybe it didn’t affect you at all. Any closure I was seeking was solely for myself, but I didn’t want to seem vulnerable or weak. Instead, I left. My friends didn’t need an explanation. 

So much time has passed. But there are days missing you sneaks up on me. There are days I just want to go home alone and cry myself to sleep mourning the past that shouldn’t affect me.

But sometimes the past is hard to get over when it’s with someone you thought would be in your future.

Open Topic

The Guy You Deserve…

The guy you deserve is the one who proudly kisses you in public. The one who reaches for your hand as he’s leading the way. The one who looks at you and you feel it from your head to your toes how much he truly cares about you.

The guy you deserve is the one who pulls you in close as you are tossing and turning throughout the night and his presence makes you feel a little more at ease as you fall back to sleep. The one who wakes you up with a morning kiss and neither of you want to leave the bed, but you have to.

The guy you deserve is the one who makes you coffee or breakfast and lets you sleep in a little longer. The one who waits up for you no matter how late you’re coming home. He doesn’t fall asleep until he knows your home safe.

The guy you deserve is the one who doesn’t wake you after you’ve fallen asleep on him, even though you had plans of going out, he just looks at you smiling. The one who lets you sleep comfortably even though his arm is numb or all your hair is in his face.

The guy you deserve is the one who knows exactly what you are saying even if you haven’t said a word. The one you can communicate with across the room and he gets it. 

The guy you deserve is the one who motivates you to be better. Not by changing you, but by helping you to see where you can improve. The one who is goal oriented and cares about work, but asks you first how your day is even if something great happened to him. The one who might have got a promotion, but doesn’t say anything because he knows you had a bad day.

The guy you deserve is the one who makes cry only because you are laughing so hard. The one everyone can just tell makes you happier. The one you see immediately in a crowded room and suddenly it’s like it’s just the two of you there. The one who gives you his undivided attention no matter how busy he is.

The guy you deserve is the one who proudly introduces you to his friends and family and they love and accept you because they’ve already heard so much about you.

The guy you deserve is the one who tries with your friends. The one who wants to know how they are simply because they are important to you.

The guy you deserve is the one who doesn’t take you for granted. The one who doesn’t just try to win your heart, but continues to try to prove he deserves it once he gets it. That’s flowers just because. Presents because he wants to. Surprises because he never wants you to get bored. 

The guy you deserve is the one who keeps his word every time. The one who says yes when you need him to. The one who changes his schedule when you need him to be somewhere. The one you can rely on when in the past you used to rely on yourself.

You deserve the guy who makes you realize why the past played out as it did. The one who makes you grateful for it. The one you look at and the past feels so long ago. You think of every guy who ever played you, every guy who ever hurt you, every guy who ever kept you by your phone wondering, and every guy you didn’t deserve.

Then you look at him. Count your blessings. And realize the wait was completely worth it.

Open Topic

I’m Afraid.

When you’re used to being single, that isn’t what scares you. You don’t fear going to events stag because you know what that feeling is like. Sometimes you almost even like it. You like not having anyone to answer to. You like not having someone follow you around the room. You’ve built a confidence behind this title you proudly wear. You take pride in your independence. In doing what you want when you want it. You go out at night and you never know how it will end. Things like that are okay and acceptable, when you are single. The rules of being single are, there are no rules. You live according to however you want and you’ve grown used to it. You don’t fear it as much as you embrace it.

When you’re single, every decision benefits you. You can be as selfish as you want and it’s okay.

But then there are nights you feel very lonely in a crowded room. Nights where you wish you had someone’s hand to hold. Nights where you wish you didn’t have to be the strong one. But you’re alone and have no other choice. There are times you could introduce the person you brought as your boyfriend and not just some friend you’ll go home with. Holidays where you wish you could tell your mom to add another place setting to the table. Christmas’s you wish you had someone to buy something for. Dates you wish you could celebrate. Nights where you come home and you wish someone was waiting for you.

There are nights where you toss and turn and you remember when someone used to lay next to you. Nights, where your phone goes off at 2 AM and it’s some fuck boy you swore you were done with. But there’s company in loneliness. There are nights where you wish it were more. But you also fear commitment.

So then you pine after these half-hearted love stories you know won’t end in a relationship, which is what you secretly like about it. Knowing how it will end. The chase of it all. Knowing at the end of it, you have yourself, which is what you’re used to.

Then you meet a decent person and you run the other way. You meet someone who likes you and wants to be with you and you find flaws you can’t tolerate. You find someone who would be good for you and you talk yourself out of it.

When you’re single, it isn’t just a relationship status, it’s lifestyle you’re choosing. 

And when you’re single long enough, it’s a lifestyle you grow accustomed to.

The truth is, I’m afraid to be someone’s girlfriend.

I’m afraid to let someone that close to me. I’m afraid of letting someone into my life out of fear that they might leave or it might end, and it will be my fault. I fear meeting someone and falling in love. I fear wanting to change the entire course of my life due to one person because I’m selfish and I have things I want to do alone. I fear giving up a party on a Friday night and drinking as much as I please, then having to explain my actions to someone.

I fear being a girlfriend because of all the things that come with it. Suddenly I’ll have family obligations that aren’t my own. Suddenly I’ll have to include someone else in decisions I’ve made for most my life alone. I’m afraid of getting used to someone. I’m afraid of someone becoming a part of my routine. I’m afraid to fall out of fear the person won’t catch me. I’m afraid to get my heart broken again and turning into the person I was when love was dictating every irrational choice I made.

But most of all, I’m afraid to be someone’s girlfriend because I’m afraid to be that happy. I’m afraid of suddenly having this life I truly love because of another person. I’m afraid to learn someone else can give what I haven’t been able to give myself, which is the love and happiness I know I deserve.

So the truth, is I’m afraid to be someone’s girlfriend because I’m so desperately afraid of something I can’t control, and love is all of those things. A lack of control in your life because one person came and shook everything up about it.

I’m afraid to be someone’s girlfriend because I know I’ll love every minute of it.