Open Topic

Getting Over You.

“I don’t wanna rush into anything. She’s getting over someone too, kinda like me an’ you. An’ she talks about him every once in a while, an’ I just nod my head an’ smile. ‘Cause I know exactly what she’s goin’ through… yeah, I’ve been there too. When the conversation turns to you.” -Keith Anderson 

It happened exactly as they said it would. Really quickly. Unlike in the past, there weren’t mixed signals. There wasn’t any bit of confusion. There wasn’t a bit of uncertainty. It was just looking at someone and knowing ‘okay this is going to be something.’ Within 5 minutes of meeting him, I knew I’d be asked out on a date before leaving the store. I admit I spent a lot more money than I initially intended because well, I just wanted to talk to him longer. Numbers were exchanged. Or rather I gave him mine, not to be coy at all but because my phone is constantly dead.

Upon attaching my phone to a portable cell phone charger and driving home, when it turned back there was already a text.

Someone this confident in how they felt when all I knew were half-hearted love stories was strange and unfamiliar to me.

Conversation flowed naturally and next thing I know, I’m finding out someone’s entire life story who I hadn’t known 24 hours ago.

So when I cried myself to sleep that night, it crushed me. When I woke up to a good morning text, it stung a little. The truth is, when you’re still getting over someone and you meet someone new, there isn’t that relief of “finally.”

Because you are still hurting and processing this pain as someone new enters the picture.

The pain you feel isn’t because of this new person, but rather the reality that hits you that you need to start moving on and trying to heal.

There’s the pain of love lost and still thinking about that person. Still wondering if they’ll change their mind. Still hurting but trying to heal. I know it’s not right.

Physically, I was there but emotionally, I wasn’t.

You want to be over them, but even that will take time. You didn’t ask to fall in love. You didn’t ask to get your heart broken. And you certainly didn’t ask for fate to throw someone at you when you weren’t ready.

But maybe that’s how it’s supposed to be.

And you aren’t falling too hard or too fast. You aren’t feeling much at all. You become numb as a defense mechanism. When pain is all you know everything that isn’t, feels weird.

When you give your best and your whole heart to someone and it isn’t enough, you don’t even know what you have to offer someone new. 

And you want to explain it to them, this is what I’m going through right now. But you know they deserve a fair shot. You don’t want to put pressure on them thinking they need to heal you. And you wish you could give them your best, but all of it is a process. You don’t want to make them feel exactly the way someone else has made you feel like it’s them not good enough. Or that you are comparing them to someone else. So instead, you stay silent trying to move forward even if it’s baby steps.

Maybe your heart isn’t in it completely. I mean how could it be?

You’re still looking at your phone and wanting to hear from that person but at the same time, knowing it’s best you don’t. So instead you divert your attention to someone who is giving you theirs.

But you know sometimes all it takes someone treating you right and loving you right. Maybe they aren’t what you want, but maybe they are exactly what you need. Maybe some people are designed to heal the pain others cause and love you in a way that is so unfamiliar it’s right.

Maybe we are all one degree and one strange encounter away from healing. Maybe it isn’t something we don’t have to do alone, just maybe all it takes is one person to teach us the pain we feel right now and everything we’ve been holding on to for this long is what we can let go of. 

Open Topic

Drunk Anxiety.

I sit here hungover I’m replaying everything in my mind, at least everything I remember. 

It comes in snid-bits and flashbacks I only half regret bc as much as I enjoy drinking and going out and having a social life, the moral hangover is ten times worse when you have anxiety.

Questions ring in my mind

What did I say last night?
Who did I offend?
Who should I apologize to?
Why was I crying?
Did I lose a friend bc something that happened? 

A normal person dismisses these drunk nights out as something that happens to everyone.

But no matter how many times you try to justify that, having anxiety you hold yourself to a different standard. Even if something happened that wasn’t that bad, you hold onto it for days not giving yourself the forgiveness you deserve.

When you have anxiety you’re ten times harder on yourself than anyone else.

Because the truth is, everyone can forgive you but you’ll always be your toughest critic.

It’s waking up to phone calls “do you remember what you said or did last night?”

Nope. Not a clue.

Then you listen with remorse.

And the hardest part is when you say something that holds a bit of truth to it.

Sober you control everything you say. After overthinking and overanalyzing if you should say it or not. But drunk, all of it just comes out like a flood of emotions that you’ve kept hidden.

When you drink and have anxiety disorder, at first you’re comfortable enjoying the night, then you get too comfortable.

When you drink, it’s like your anxiety disorder goes away temporarily.

Next thing you know, you’re in the bathroom talking someone’s ear off in a conversation you won’t even remember.

When you have anxiety and drink, you might think you’re just loosening up but in reality, you’re using alcohol to cope bc of this thing you can’t control.

When you’re drunk and have anxiety, it’s the only time you aren’t giving a fuck. But you’re going to have to pay for that later. 

And as much as you want to just move on, you also hate yourself for getting to the point you did…again.

It’d be easy to not get drunk and just stay sober but in the moment, you like those nights where anxiety isn’t controlling your life.

Even hungover and sober there’s something you admire about yourself when you’re drunk.

You’re that carefree person you wish you could be all the time. And that’s the real reason why a lot of people with anxiety love drinking as much as they hate it.

In a way, it almost seems worth it, as you struggle to live with these two parts of yourself that seem polar opposite. You love and hate them but, can’t get rid of either, so they painfully co-exist.

They continue to fight each other, but it seems anxiety always wins in the end.