Open Topic

Despite All Of This Pain.

They keep telling me it’s going to get easier, moving on. 

They keep telling me I’m going to meet someone new and better.

But the truth is, no matter who I meet or what I do, when your heart and your mind is completely invested in someone, none of those things matter.

The truth is, yes I’m single but I’m emotionally unavailable, at least until I get through this.

And I don’t know how to.

They keep telling me time will heal this.

But what happens when the only person you think can heal this pain is the one who caused it in the first place.

What happens when the solution is also what caused the problem.

All this time and distance is doing is making me cling to the past I don’t want to forget. All it’s doing is haunting me.

If distance makes the heart grow fonder, I’m falling deeper in love with you as you’ve already fallen out of love with me.

Because I think back and I remember how good it used to be. How happy I used to be. How in love we both were. But something changed.

And I’m running through details of things I might have said or done. Wishing I hadn’t.

Did you wake up one day and think, I’m over her? Did you look me in the eyes and just realize how out of love you were when it came to me?

The words goodbye slipped out of your mouth, but they were words that were foreign to me. Because I expected anyone but you to be the one to say it.

I don’t know when you stopped believing in me and us because the truth is, I never stopped. And I think part of me still believes in you. Part of me keeps hoping maybe you’ll change your mind.

But every night I go to bed and there’s a silence and loneliness I can’t shake. And I lay there thinking back to when you used to be next to me. Nights sleeping carelessly with you by my side are replaced with tossing and turning as I wake up at 3 AM missing you.

And I reach for my phone hoping maybe to see your name. A text, a like, a comment. Anything, but I don’t. And I’m forced to move on like it isn’t breaking my heart to so.

And all I keep wondering is, how did we get here? 

People once so in love and completely consumed by each other becoming strangers, it’s a reality I knew could very well come true but I didn’t ever want that to be our reality.

I didn’t want another story that ended with me picking up the pieces. I used to run from love out of fear of falling, but I realized what I feared more was this. This empty feeling where tears have completely run out and there’s nothing I can do about it.

I can’t change the way you feel. Because I’ve tried.

The thing about heartbreak is, you can never tell who is hurt. On the outside, everyone looks put together and smiling. You can walk by a hundred people a day and you’d never know those people too are fighting the exact same battle you are. But no one says anything. 

Everyone carries on like heartbreak is a silent battle you must face alone. And the truth is, you kind of have to. There aren’t words or a conversation that can heal the pain. And yeah people can say they understand, they’ve been there, they got over it.

But I’m not there yet.

Everyone says I’ll get over it and be over you. But I still believe you’re one of the best things that have ever happened to me. So how do you even compare anyone to that? Because all they do is fall short of my expectations.

They tell me to date and all, but I don’t want to keep being let down. I don’t want to keep thinking of you every time I look in someone’s eyes. 

The truth is, I feel completely lost without you here because you took so much of who I was with you when you left. And when I look at myself in the mirror, more than myself, I see is you.

But the irony of all of this is, despite the pain and these ugly things I feel, the thing about love is, even when it ends bad you wouldn’t trade any of it for the world.

Because despite the pain you’ve caused, I still think you’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me. 


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