Open Topic

Not Enough.

She’s not it right now. You know it. She knows it. 

But what you don’t know is she’s trying. She’s trying so unbelievably hard to be what you want. She’s fumbling through the confusion that is modern day relationships and making an effort. She stays up at night wondering why she’s not enough. And racking her brain of ways she can improve. 

Her phone blows up with people’s names who aren’t you. And when they ask her out, she’s always busy. She’s busy waiting for it to be you. She’s busy wondering what does she have to do differently? What does she have to change? 

While she builds you up she’s knocking herself down in the process because for some reason, she’s the one that thinks she’s not good enough for you.

If she does better, if she works harder, if she’s more successful or prettier, maybe then you’ll notice someone who has been standing a foot in front of you giving you her complete time and attention.

Conflicts between her heart and head appear like a boxing match because she knows it’s not supposed to be this hard. But she also can’t deny what the heart wants. And no matter who she gives her time and attention to, she’s always going to wish it were you instead.

But even the most resilient and stubborn people wave their white flag because when you’ve done your best, tried your hardest, and put 110% into a relationship that doesn’t reciprocate it, eventually, the only choice you have is to walk away.

And it’ll be then you miss her. Because right now her time and attention is something you’ve taken for granted. It’s something you’re used to. It’s something you expect. 

You can read her better than your favorite book. You know every text will be answered quickly. You know if you asked she’d be there. Wherever there is, she wouldn’t let you down. With her, the answer is always yes. You look at her and across her face is exactly how she feels and exactly how much she loves and adores you. There is no complexity to her, but rather a raw honesty and blunt nature you’ve been taught is unattractive. But she doesn’t change. 

And the love you aren’t able to reciprocate doesn’t change her. 

But people like her who have an ability to love like that are the ones who changes others.

So she carries on to someone new giving them everything she gave you. And it’ll be in the moment someone realizes her value in a way that took you too long to see, that you miss her. 

It’ll be in that moment you see someone with their arms around her do you feel jealousy you’ve never felt. It’ll be in that moment she introduces you as her friend, it hits you.

She isn’t what you want right now because that would be too easy. But the second you realize she made you a priority and she’s no longer the choice you can make, is when you’ll miss her most. 

You’ll miss the texts that come too quickly. And the plans you always canceled. You’ll miss every effort she used to make in a valiant attempt to impress you. You’ll miss the conversations where she was the one always keeping them going. And you’ll miss knowing she’s there. You’ll miss knowing someone cared, even though you didn’t. And when you’re lonely at night wondering where she is, you’ll reach for her phone and not text her even though you want to. 

You’ll want to tell her everything you should have said and realized a long time ago. But sometimes it takes losing something that wasn’t ours to realize what could have been.

And she’ll smile at you across the room holding no animosity at all towards you because she still loves you and she probably always will. And it’ll be in that moment you realize something she’s known for a while, sometimes lost love that was never found is the one that strikes the deepest.

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