I Randomly Blog About Not Only My Personal Hardships, Experiences, And Journey Thus Far, But Also Topics Others Can Relate To. I Want Others To Know That You Are Not Alone, And Never Of Ashamed Of Your Story Or Where You Come From.
So that same thing applies to you and your relationships with yourself.
Somewhere along the way, someone has taught you to hate the person looking back at you in the mirror.
That they don’t deserve love, appreciation, and admiration.
Maybe it’s a parent. A sibling. A family member. Someone you look up to. A friend. An ex. The media.
But what can be taught, can be untaught. It just takes time.
I want you to think about the parts of yourself you don’t like. Every flaw. Every shortcoming. Every reason you’ve come up with and analyzed in your mind as to why someone doesn’t like you. Do you have it? Now let it go. Let go of your insecurities. Let go of your doubts. Let go of the things you can’t change. Let go of every mistake you’ve made and start now.
Stop comparing yourself to someone you wish you could be.
Stop saying I’ll be happy when I lose is weight, when I have that surgery, when I go on that trip, when I hit that milestone, when I get that job or that relationship.
Stop promising yourself that self-love will come when you change something in the future.
Start learning to appreciate who you are now.
Stop being so vocal about your insecurities and change that tone to something positive.
Stop wearing everything you hate about yourself across your forehead for everyone to see.
Stop trying so hard to be different.
Stop rejecting yourself.
Stop apologizing for being who you are and start accepting it.
Start looking at yourself in the mirror with admiration you deserve.
And I know what it’s like to love everyone else so deeply and just want that to come back to you ten folds. But you don’t know how? How do I not hate this thing about me? How do I train myself to not be defined by flaws? How do I even begin to love myself when there’s so much I don’t like?
Change the things you can.
If you have a goal, write it down and work towards that.
But stop limiting yourself to the self-love you deserve, just because you have insecurities.
Everyone has something they don’t like about themselves, but the only difference is, they aren’t letting it define them they way you are.
And I don’t know where those insecurities derive from?
Maybe you’ve heard something from someone else and you’ve allowed that to play on repeat in your mind enough that it’s destroying you.
Maybe you are letting your past mistakes define you.
Maybe someone hurt you lately, and heartbreak is making you turn on yourself and feed you false information, that it’s you not good enough or pretty enough or smart enough or skinny enough or successful enough.
Change that dial in your brain to all the things you are.
Cause you are pretty enough.
You are smart enough.
Maybe you aren’t where you want to be, but use that as motivation to get there.
But self-love isn’t a destination to get to. Self-love is what will get you there.
If you want love in your future, start by learning to love yourself.
Start by building yourself up every day, instead of knocking yourself down.
Start by changing the dialogue you have and those conversations in your head.
You wouldn’t talk to your best friend the way you talk to yourself, if you did, you wouldn’t have a friend and that’s exactly what needs to change.
Dating today. It’s all about who cares more and who can show it less.
It’s strategy and games and fucking with each other.
And it’s using those devices for communication to simply confuse each other more and not clearly communicate anything at all.
Because dating today is anything but simple.
“Why don’t you just go date him?”
Let me get right on that mom. If only it were so easy.
If dating today were like Legends of a Hidden Temple on Nickelodeon, getting someone to admit they like you and want to be in a relationship. is like the final round in Olmec’s Temple and every room is a different social media platform. And you have to be so careful with where you step or you’ll be captured by the temple guards and get banished. (Aka ghosted.)
But if I sat there and tried to explain to my dear mother, mom he hasn’t added me on snap chat, or followed me on insta or sent me a friend request yet. We have to wait and play it cool.
Or if I told her I’m salty AF about the fact he opened my snap and didn’t answer. But then he went and liked my latest insta. Or he ignored my text then tagged me in something. And I’m still trying to play it cool.
If I tried to explain to her, that yes there’s a difference between real texting and snap texting.
That you can’t look at a snap story too quickly because it’ll reveal you care.
That you can’t be the first one to like something on Instagram.
Or tagging each other in memes and sending pics is a whole new level everyone hopes to get to, I think my mother’s head would spin.
Because mine is spinning.
Then don’t even get me started on dating apps.
We are alone together no one is making a move. We know we both feel something. But nothing. Then the second I leave, we match and what the fuck do I even open up with, “sorry I didn’t check my Bumble before coming over, to have given you that confidence to do something?”
Give me a break.
It’s the three-day rule, but waiting days to answer even though you’ve wanted to hear from them all week.
It’s never sending a double text. “Are you guys dating? Is he your boyfriend?”
If I tried to explain to my mom, there’s a whole phase first of overcoming apps and social media, then the next accomplished milestone is “we’re talking.” Then my mom asks, “well what’s talking?”
Mom, it’s a sad excuse for people who fear commitment and don’t know if they want you yet. Kind of like test driving a car. And during that phase, you can’t drop the fuck off the earth without an explanation because you aren’t dating yet.
It sounds crazy because it is.
Everyone’s waiting for the other person to make a move but the person who does that, suddenly loses power.
So we are more connected than ever but more disconnected emotionally, because society has taught us caring isn’t cool.
We’ve all been conditioned to suddenly care less about someone or be turned off by the person who shows they give a damn, then be more interested in the other person who is keeping us guessing.
I’m sorry, but what the actual flip are we all doing.
We claim we want relationships or want to see someone, yet the second we get a message, we unmatch them because “hey” isn’t clever enough or their third picture isn’t attractive.
We claim we want relationships and want to see someone but we cancel the day of for reasons we don’t even know.
We claim we want relationships and want to see someone, but everyone is acting like single is the cool thing to be while I know most people feel a sense of loneliness.
We are lacking a vital connection that everyone needs in their life, which is an emotional connection with someone we’d maybe like to date.
But no one wants to put labels on things. Everyone wants their options open.
Everyone wants sex, but doesn’t care about love.
Everyone wants someone, but everyone is afraid to do something about it.
Everyone says they hate being single, but they’d rather spend a Friday night alone watching Netflix and swiping than try stepping out their front door.
Everyone wants to rush to bed with some stranger, rather than get to know them. Then if you get there too fast, suddenly that person is easy and not, “dating material.”
We’re all looking for every reason for something not to work.
It’s like we want to be unhappy continually pining after something, but we are not even able to recognize something good when it comes knocking at our door.
We are conditioned to never be satisfied and constantly be looking for the next best thing. It’s the paradox of choice when we have too many options, we are completely frozen and don’t do anything at all.
We’d rather judge someone so harshly for something so small and never give them a fair shot.
I’m sorry, but that doesn’t work for me.
And dating today isn’t what dating should be.
Call me old fashion because I believe relationships should be more than this.
An actual date where we sit down and engage in conversation getting to know each other in the moment, is where it should start. And we shouldn’t even think about where the night is going to end and if we’ll wake up together.
Everyone cares about where things are going to end, and yet, everyone wonders why things end so abruptly without an ending at all.
Ghosting. Unfriending. Unfollow. No longer liking shit. No longer looking at stories. This is how relationships end today and personally, I think it’s a bunch of BS.
Look me in the eyes and tell me you don’t like me. You don’t want to see me again.
But when your only reason for that conclusion is because I care too much, you look like a fool. So you settle for the low-key fade out because it’s easier for you.
Dating today, is exhausting and that’s even before you get to a date or a relationship.
And I refuse to play the game.
If I like you, I’ll text you when I feel like.
I’ll like whatever I feel like on social media and not think twice about it.
I’ll send snaps or memes when I think of you.
I’ll look at your snap story first every time because I care about what you’re doing and I probably wish I could be there.
I’ll swipe right not out of curiosity, but rather because I would like to see you.
And I won’t have a problem to be the one initiating plans.
If I like you, I’m going to want to see you.
If I like you, I’m not going to play you or fuck with how you feel because society tells me I’m not supposed to care that much.
And maybe all of those things go against the game I’m supposed to play to trick someone into dating me. But honestly, why would I play a game I hate?
If we hate the way dating is today, don’t complain about it, if we’re abiding by the rules. Just stop playing.
If the worst thing someone can say about me is, I’m not afraid to care in a society that tries to make me feel guilty for it, I’m winning.
Relationships are nearly impossible for me. And I refuse to blame anxiety for it.
But the honest truth before we even date, I’m going to analyze every word and text and interaction like it’s something to be studied. I worry. I’ve seen so many relationships start and end so quickly without any explanation and I’m left pointing at myself thinking it’s me who is flawed.
I overthink and over analyze everything. It gets to a point where I’m the one ruining something before it even begins out of fear.
It’s ironic the fears I have of something ending, almost manifests itself into a reality. I know this. But I can’t help it either.
My mind takes off and I just follow it’s destructive lead doing my best to control what I can.
I won’t talk about it at all.
I won’t sit you down and tell you this is what I have, this is what I live with.
It’s simply a part of who I am that doesn’t need explaining because as you get to know me, you’ll begin to see it a little more.
It’ll reveal itself in texts messages and responses that come at you like rapid fire. It’ll reveal itself in how punctual I am or the obvious stress lines across my forehead if we are late, and the reminder not to speed if I’m the one driving.
It’ll reveal itself in the to do lists, that I almost always complete and the calendar I have booked for weeks.
You’ll see it when I wake up almost every day at the exact same time minutes before my alarm even sounds.
You’ll see it on the nights I’m tossing and turning and you just pull me in to try to get me to go back to sleep.
You’ll hear it in the scenarios I play out to you about my friends and how I wonder if they are mad at me for something, and how my mind won’t be at ease until I apologize. And even if you tell me it’s unnecessary, I’m going to do it anyway.
You’ll see when we go out, most of the time I’ll be fine. But every once in awhile on an off night, I might drink more than I should. I’ll wake up the next day not remembering much, wanting to apologize and understanding if you want to end this thing.
And you’re going to look at me confused because I know all it was, was a bad night. But I’ll spend the next three days beating myself up over the fact I let myself get like that.
Most the time it’s going to seem like I have it all together. But it’s almost like I have it “too together,” if there’s ever such a thing. My grades were excellent in school and I still read and try to learn something new often. I’m an overachiever in every sense of the word. I enjoy being the best at things. Not to make others look bad, but my self-worth is defined by achievements and doing well. So I’m going to be pushing myself sometimes completely over the edge. And it’s in those moments where I’m going to need you. Because when something doesn’t go as planned and I completely fall apart.
That’s the ugliest side of anxiety when I show you a weakness I don’t like anyone seeing.
In my head, are this constant stream of negative phrases. And you won’t notice the lack of confidence I have at first. In the beginning, I’ll hide that well but as you get to know me, you’ll see there’s vital insecurity within myself and no matter how much you compliment me, I’m my own worst enemy.
I’m going to need reassurance sometimes. Just that little boost, you aren’t leaving, you still care, you are thinking of me. And I know that sounds desperate, but sometimes the littlest things send me off in a world of my own trapped in thoughts that aren’t reality.
Anxiety tells me a shit load of lies that I don’t want to believe. But sometimes I do.
So I’ll explain to you this is what I’m thinking right now and why. And you aren’t going to understand. Sometimes it isn’t about understanding, but just listening.
It’s not always about finding a solution, but just being there with me for the problem even if it’s one I created myself.
I worry about people leaving a lot. And when that happens, just tell me you aren’t going to. That will mean everything to me.
It’s in those moments where I’m going to push you away from that I actually need you most.
I don’t like seeming weak or needy. Anxiety makes me feel like I am.
And just as I have learned to live with it and function, the person I end up dating, will also.
And if you can accept this about me and love me through it, in return I’ll give you the best of myself.
There’s so much more to me than my anxiety. It’s just a small part of who I am, but not all of me. And I hope whatever it is I lack, I make up for in other areas. Because I’ll always try unbelievably hard when it comes to everything in my life, and a relationship is something I’d hold to that same standard.
“He’s not my type,” I said trying to justify my previous actions.
“Why? Because he treats you well,” my friend said completely calling me out on my bullshit.
But the truth was, if I said I’m not attracted to him, he made it too easy and as much as the idea floated in my head considering it, I wasn’t interested.
I wanted to be. I would have loved to say I left that date and went right home instead of right to the nearest fuckboys house who I had been seeing more off than on.
And the only difference between these two guys was, one kept me completely on my toes, one kept me guessing, one kept me playing this game I swore I hated. And I was more physically attracted to him than anyone I had ever met.
The other answered every text quickly, paid for everything, opened my door and told me exactly how he felt, and on many occasions dropped whatever he was doing if I asked.
I cried that entire drive home. I cried because I knew what I deserved and I knew I was choosing the opposite. But the heart wants what it wants. And that was the problem.
We claim we want a good and decent guy but when we meet him, we look for every reason we don’t want to give him a chance. Maybe it’s his appearance. Maybe it’s his demeanor. Maybe he’s exactly everything we want and need. But we dabble with the idea, liking them one day, then ignoring them the next. Blowing up their social media one day, then doing the casual fade out.
We like the attention, but we don’t like it enough to reciprocate it. So we text them every few weeks just to boost our own confidence that they’ll answer and they do like us still.
But to look at someone who would do anything for you and someone who says all the things we wish someone else would, it’s disrespecting and hurting the one person who wouldn’t do the same.
I sat stag at an event looking more beautiful than ever and dropping more than I should have to impress someone who didn’t even respect me enough to show up. Again, let down by the same person who continued to disappointment me.
“I would have come if you needed me there,” I read in a text that made me smile and frown. Despite it being 3 hours away and me not even considering asking him in the first place, the other guy would have been there.
I showed the text to my friend, “he might not be what you want, but he’s what you deserve.”
That statement stayed with me.
Maybe we aren’t getting the person we deserve, not out of bad luck, but because we are choosing the wrong people.
We throw all these great guys in the friend zone claiming there is no spark, but we don’t even wanna see if there will be. We run from all the right things into the arms of the person who is completely wrong.
My heart hurts for these guys. The ones who deserve the same type of love and affection they are willing to give. The guys who look at their best girl space friend and want nothing more than to delete that space and make them theirs.
The guys who are there every time she gets hurt. And when she questions her self-worth because of some asshole who doesn’t see her beauty, you are perplexed. Because you look at this girl like she’s the most beautiful one there is. And no matter how much you tell her, she doesn’t believe you because it isn’t coming from the guy she wants to hear it from. You keep your feelings quietly tucked away because you aren’t what she wants, so you stay friends hoping and praying for the day maybe it will hit her that you can be more than someone who dries her tears. Maybe you can be the one who doesn’t cause them at all.
My heart hurts for the guys who think they have to change and be an asshole because it seems that’s what girls want.
To those guys I say, don’t change. Don’t do anything different than be exactly who you are. And don’t settle in love simply because someone couldn’t reciprocate all you have to give. Because one day, someone will. And they’ll be everything you deserve. And when you introduce them to your girl space friend, I promise the idea will cross her mind, “that could have been me.”
And to the ladies who don’t give these good guys chances, one day you’re going to get tired of dating assholes and you’re going to look around at the person who was had been there the whole time and he’ll be gone.