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My Thoughts And Feelings Of Carla.

I’m not sure where to begin with this post nor do I know what I am exactly feeling. I’ve been feeling mixed emotions lately. One minute I’m happy and outgoing, and the next I’m depressed and just want to cry. I’ve been holding onto a lot of anger that I don’t know how to let go of.

I admit my past wasn’t the best, I’ve made a lot of poor choices, and there are some things I do regret and still holding onto such as my past choices, and other things I don’t regret such as my addiction because it made me the person I am today. Strong! But, I carry the label “addict” and I will always be labeled “addict.”

I have so much anger towards people in my life because I felt I was being ignored, also because they wronged me when I needed them the most. I am also still being judged by family as the person I used to be. And I feel like this still today. I feel I don’t belong and I feel lost. I never spoken of my feelings to anyone because I have a hard time expressing myself and I’m afraid of being judged because of my past. Everyone sees me as the person I was THEN and not who I am NOW, their lose. Nobody thought I would change or quit using drugs, but I proved them all wrong and I’m going to keep proving them all wrong.

I feel disconnected from everyone, even myself. I think about suicide quite a bit and think everyone would be better off without me here, so they don’t have to carry all this baggage I been carrying my whole life. I feel like a burden on their lives. I been told when I was younger to find my voice and I would get yelled at for not having one. Well as I got older, I finally found my voice and whenever I speak, everyone still gets angry at me because they don’t like or can’t handle how blunt and honest I am and they think I’m lying. Which infuriates me. So, I can’t win either way.

I have so much trauma in my life that it effects my everyday life. When I was 14 years old I was repeatedly raped for 3 years by a family member. When I was 15 years old, my mother and father split up because my father was having an affair, and I remember laying on the couch severely depressed, not wanting to talk to anyone or going to school. I just wanted my father back, he came back home when I turned 16. Now I hold a lot of resentment towards him because he was someone who I looked up to, he was my hero. I can’t image how much pain my mother felt. When I was 18 years old, I was 7 weeks pregnant and the guy I was with made me get an abortion, so I did. Then later I came to realize he wasn’t the father. When I was 22 years old, I got married and became pregnant again. Only this time it was an ectopic pregnancy (embryo outside of the uterus). Now today, I really want kids but can’t have them naturally, I have to have a procedure in order to have children, which is very expensive. And no one wants to have kids with me for that reason.

So my dream of becoming a mom is crushed. So this is why I am a fur baby mom, LOL.

All this trauma and in my life effects me everyday and I have flashbacks all the time. I don’t know how to erase these painful moments from my mind. It’s like a tornado in my brain. I wish I could go back to when I was 14 years old and start my life over from there, but the damage has already been done. It is what it is.

I was in counseling but I was never open and honest. So, I know I need to go back because I am ready to open up and express how I been feeling. I need someone to talk to so I can hopefully release all this pain and anger I have raging inside me. I’ve been praying to God everyday hoping he can give me a sign and answers to find happiness, but I know I’ll never find it because I am so far gone with all this pain, I am damaged for life.

I wish I had all the answers as to why did all this happen to me. I am an intelligent, well educated woman and had a good up bringing, so why was I the one chosen to suffer through all this pain? I think because I felt ignored, so I did things out of anger and to get attention. I still feel like that today. I also feel alone and that has to be one the worst feelings ever.

I need to find myself and let go of all this anger in me and move past all of this, but I don’t know how or where to begin. I strive everyday to be a better person than I was yesterday, but I feel like my life is at a standstill. I know life gets harder before it gets easier, but I feel my life was easier when I was a full blown addict. Even though I have thoughts everyday of going back to that life, I never have the guts to do it because I worked really hard to be where I am today. One of the biggest thing about life is whether to walk away or try harder.

When I got my life together, I got a very good job at a hospital I been trying so hard to get into. But my depression and PTSD has been really bad that I had to take a leave of absence. I been out of work since November, but luckily I am still getting paid for my time off. I also applied for Social Security Disability that I pray I get so I can continue taking care of me and getting back into therapy full time. Some people don’t understand that my number one priority is my sobriety, not them! If they can’t accept that, then they don’t belong in my life because I will never put anyone above or before my sobriety.

I think I been doing my best to take of me. I’ve been taking my meds everyday and I have a roof over my head, food to eat, a warm bed and my own car. But my best isn’t good enough for some people. Some people say I need to change, well, hello! I made the biggest change in my life by getting clean and I am making changes EVERYDAY. So it’s them who needs to change. I can’t believe anyone would have the nerve to even say such a thing like that to me. I am an overthinker and I can’t help it, but I get jealous of some people because they have the life I always wanted. Obviously, I am very unhappy with my life, but like I said, at least I have the things I need. And I am thankful for that.

I can go on and on with post, but I just had to vent alittle and let some feelings out. Blogging has been one the best things I’ve done because I can express my emotions and not be judged. It’s like another form of therapy for me. But I would like to take a moment to thank all the people who have been there beside me thru my whole journey and have been my support system. Even though I feel like I have been doing this journey alone. But I know I am not alone because there are people out there who are just like me, and some made it, some haven’t. But I want you all to know that there is hope and if you keep working the program, you can make it. But you have to want it!

I say the Serenity Prayer every night before going to bed and I inhale and exhale praying tomorrow will be a better day.

God, grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change…

The Courage to change the things I can…

And the Wisdom to know the difference.

Amen!

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An Open Letter To The Girl Hurting.

I don’t know where you are, or what you’re going through right now. I don’t know if it will get better by tomorrow, or if weeks have gone by and you’re still feeling as much pain as you felt the moment it happened to you. I don’t know if tears are still staining your pillow, or if you’re slowly starting to pick yourself up and collect the pieces. Whatever is happening right now, if you’re reading this and looking for a sign that you’re doing the right thing, this is it.

If you have a choice to make, greet it with confidence. If a choice has been made for you, accept it with a calm beauty surrounding you. Nothing is set in stone, and worrying yourself with the “what ifs” will only confuse you and distract you from the most important thing in this world: your happiness. Take a breath, attempt to find a moment of clarity, and decide. Is this battle worth fighting? Are you able to change anything about your situation? Are you afraid to be alone? Do you want to be alone? Is this the life you want to live, the person you want to be? These are things questions only you can answer, things that only you can figure out for yourself. Be strong, and decide.

You know what you need, whether it’s clearly visible or deep down, it’s there. It might be masked by the pain coursing through your body, or by the fear of change, but you know what’s best for you. Even though you know what you need, it still doesn’t change the fact that admitting it to yourself hurts like hell.

Honestly, it’s okay that it does hurt. It was important to you, it was something that mattered, so of course you’re going to be in pain. Sadness is underrated. Admitting you’re hurting is viewed as a sign of weakness, but I see it as a sign of strength. You’re strong enough to tell someone that you’re not okay, that you need help. Asking for help doesn’t make you weak; it makes you brave.

Pain isn’t something that should be hidden. It’s not something dirty that needs to be locked away behind closed doors. It’s not something you should go through alone. Tell your people that you’re hurting. Let them hold your hand and ground you as the feelings and memories overpower you. Find strength through their touch, through their advice, and even through their simple presence. Hold on to them as the tidal wave crashes into you, and let them hold you steady as you recover from it.

Whatever is happening to you right now, I have the utmost confidence that things will work out exactly how they’re supposed to. During this time of confusion, find some new things out about yourself. Read, expand your knowledge on a topic you’re unfamiliar about, have fun with your friends, do something you never would have dreamed of doing. Embrace the new chapter of your life. Fall wildly in love with yourself, with your family, with your friends; you’re never going to find a moment quite like this again. Find what you’re made of, and if you discover that you don’t like the position that you’re in right now, you have the power to change it. You have all the power, always.

I sincerely hope that you find the answers to quiet and calm your your aching soul. Enjoy your journey, and have faith that you’ll find your way again.

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If It Is Meant To Be.

It’s hard to describe it really. But for so long it felt like a vital piece to who I was, was missing. I’d wake up tossing and turning after another dream where you met me. I’d lay there for a while thinking about everything I did wrong. 

The sweatshirt you gave me went untouched in the closet but never to be thrown away. Your favorite book dusted on the shelf. And the photo booth picture that aged with time began to fade just as we had over the years.

The place that used to be ours I took a lot of other guys over the years. But I always asked that they never seat us where we sat that first time.

There were still foods that made me think of you because you were the one to make me try.

There was still beer, I drank with you in mind because that was your favorite.

Your name stopped being mentioned in conversation. People stopped wondered about where you were or what you were doing. Everyone except me.

And every birthday I’d question texting and calling but I was afraid of what I’d find. I was afraid to discover you hadn’t missed me at all.

Our presence on social media didn’t exist and every sign that you were such a vital component in my life was untagged, but not to be forgotten because I still thought about you and I felt empty when those thoughts took up too much time.

You took a piece of me with you when you left.

What you didn’t know was every Sunday I still prayed for you, asking God if you’d come back. Every year I still sent another card or wrote another letter hoping maybe you’d answer. And people asked me why I kept trying and I looked at a quote I wrote down on my wall that I read every day.

“When someone is in your heart, they’re never truly gone. They can come back to you, even at unlikely times,” (Mitch Albom)

How many letters did I write they asked? 1 a year for the past 5.

5 years. 5 years and I still looked at my reflection seeing you there. Seeing parts of me that you made into the person I was because of the love you gave me, the things you taught me and the person you meant to me. I was myself and someone I was becoming proud to be but so much of who I became was because of you. And if you stripped me of all of it, you’d see a piece of you there too.

My life began to progress as it had for years.

Then one day it happened. Your name appeared on my phone like I had always wanted. Caught somewhere between excitement, fear, and disbelief I knew you were back.

Small talk turned into plans. Which turned into me doing 15 double takes in the mirror before seeing you. A million questions ran through my mind but for some reason, the answers didn’t matter. The only thing that mattered was we were back.

Skeptics in the background later became noise I ignored because it didn’t matter what they thought. The only thing that mattered was you.

And in a crowded room with people singing and a celebration underway, I looked around at many faces then I looked at you. I felt whole for the first time in while like something in my life wasn’t missing anymore.

And I grabbed your hand and pulled you in because finally, I had gotten the only thing I continued to wish for, for a half a decade and my heart to be whole again.

Because you were more than just someone I had loved back then you taught me that love does not fade with the passing of time. You taught me love is strong enough to overcome time, circumstances and heartbreak. You gave me something to believe in, a blind faith I wondered existed. But somehow despite the doubt and the questions I never gave up. While many couldn’t understand and there were moments I couldn’t either, I never stopped believing you’d find your way back to me. 

I look at you now and people say I’m happier. I’m the happiest best version of myself when you’re standing beside me.

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His Plan For Me.

My walls were up, I wasn’t about to let anyone in ever again. I was so hurt and so broken in the past that I swear I couldn’t handle one more crappy relationship.

The loneliness would get to me at times but I knew deep down that I was better off on my own. 

I rebuilt my life brick by brick. In my mind, a new relationship was out of the question. It didn’t fit in with my new and improved life. 

Because of my exes, the idea of being in a relationship was connected with hurt. They really did a number on me, didn’t they? 

But that’s beside the point now. What matters is that you knew how to approach me. You found the way to get close to me, to my heart and soul. 

We started out as friends. Hanging out, sharing stories of each other’s lives; we bragged about our accomplishments and laughed through our embarrassments.

You were always there, you always wanted to spend time with me. If we hadn’t heard from each other the entire day, something felt off.

Never in my wildest dreams did I ever think something would come of it. You were my friend, one of the best ones. 

You entered my life, tiptoeing around the walls of my heart, and they began to come down, slowly but surely.

I was falling for you when I had no intention of falling for anyone. It came naturally, effortlessly.

Like they always said what love should look like. Unlike anything I ever had before. 

Because of you, I started believing in that cliché, that “love finds you when you aren’t looking.”

I always used to roll my eyes when I heard it and that was the only truth all along. 

It seems that while I was busy with finding myself, love found me. 

While I was focused on my friends, family, life, work, interests and making myself a better person, God decided that the timing was right to send me someone like you. 

Someone genuinely good, trustworthy and loyal. Someone real after everything fake in my life.

Someone who knew what he wanted and what you wanted was me.  

You erased all the scars I had from the past that I thought were permanent. 

You taught me that you don’t have to beg anyone to be in your life. When someone cares, they make an effort. Like you did. 

You made more effort than was necessary and it seemed like you didn’t have to think twice about it.

You made me feel safe and protected. You made me feel yours. 

I truly am grateful and I understand now why everything had to go this way. 

I understand why it didn’t work out with anyone before you came into my life. 

There is only one person who can be your forever and only God can place them into your life. I only realized that when He placed us together. 

I could have saved myself a lot of heartache and pain if I had known that earlier. But I guess if we had met each other earlier, we wouldn’t be ready for what we have now.

We simply weren’t the same people. I know I wasn’t the same a year ago, heck, even a few months ago.

I should have known that God has a plan for me and that it’s better than anything I could have imagined.

I just want you to know how glad I am that you were His plan for me. I’ll be grateful forever.

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Waiting For A Miracle.

God, I know You have Your own timing for doing things, but I’m writing this to let You know I’m ready for change.

I’m ready for Your blessings because I could really use a miracle after the year I had. 

I’m ready to leave the sadness behind. 

I can’t carry it around with me anymore. It’s becoming too heavy.

It’s slowing me down and it will end up killing me if I let it. 

So, I decided not to allow pain to become too deep.

I decided that my problems won’t become bigger than me.

With You by my side, I know I am stronger than all of it. 

I know You can only help me if I help myself. 

That’s why I’m going to do just that.

I’m taking my life in my own hands.

I know that I have to start making different choices. 

I know I have to learn to take care of me like I’m taking care of other people in my life.

I can’t keep on giving without receiving anything back. 

I am going to heal this broken heart of mine.

I am not completely healed yet, no matter how hard I try to be.

It still hurts. It still keeps me up at night.

It still fills my eyes with tears. 

But I’ve accepted that nothing happens overnight.

I know I’ll have days where I won’t feel so great.

I know that there will be days that I’ll fall apart again.

On those days, I go back in time instead of looking forward.

I reminisce about the past moments and wonder why it all had to go down in flames when there was so much potential to make things work. 

Luckily those days are getting rarer as time passes by and strong days are lining up. 

I realized that if it was meant to be, You would never allow my ex to break me like this.

I know that Your love is kind and tender.

I know that love – true love – that you’ll send my way will be as easy as breathing.

I know it will never complicate my life and make me suffer so much.

I know You have better things in store for me and that I have to be patient. 

Dear God, sorry for my lack of patience.

I don’t want to rush You.

But this time of the year is making me wish for a miracle and I want to let You know I am ready for mine. 

I sorted out things in my head. I learned a lot through my ups and downs.

I now know that I deserve a lot more than what I used to settle for.

I am worthy of love.

I know that now.

I’m on my way to becoming a strong, independent, and confident woman who is more than capable of making herself happy. 

Thank you God for opening my eyes and showing me that I’m more than enough.

Thank You for making me see my own worth. 

I’m sorry I used to run to You mostly for comfort and help.

I know that I should be thanking You more often for all the good things You have done for me. 

Thank You for making me see that You’ve given me more blessings throughout this life than bad patches I had to endure.

It’s just that pain overshadowed them so many times I couldn’t see them. 

I guess that’s the fault we humans have: Instead of focusing on the good things, on our little daily blessings, we focus on the negative.

I can finally see that, that’s why I am praying for things to change for the better. 

I think I’m becoming the person You always knew I was.

I’m slowly transforming into the best version of me.

I’m working on myself and my relationship with important people in my life, and I feel like I am closer to You than ever. 

I am ready for my luck to change, so please God, send a miracle my way. 

I’m tired of getting up after so many falls.

Please, tell me that there are only highs for me to reach from now on.

Tell me that everything is going to be all right from now on.

I’ve had enough of all the emotional beating and I need some time to recover my strength.

I need peace in my heart and mind. 

At least for now.

I know that good and bad periods intertwine.

I know that without the bad, we wouldn’t be able to appreciate the good. 

But it’s time for good to finally win. 

It’s time for all of us who have been hurt so severely to receive our blessings now.

Please let me be right about this.

Please show me and everyone else like me that Your plans are always better than anything we could wish for.

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You Need Yourself More.

Losing someone you deeply care for is never easy. Ending up without the people you love is devastating for the strongest of us. 

Therefore, suffering because of someone’s absence and missing them are not signs of weakness. In fact, it is what makes you a human being made of flesh and blood. 

So, I’m not here to preach to you or act like a smartass who knows it all. I’m not going to try to convince you that your heartbreak is unimportant and that you’re crying without a valid reason.

It doesn’t matter whether you were disappointed by a boyfriend, a friend or a family member.

Either way, the point is that now you have to keep on going without them and learn how to live your life without their support. 

No matter who hurt or backstabbed you, having to remove the person you love from your life or them abandoning you is one of the worst things you’ll ever have to go through.

You’re grieving the loss of a person who is, thank God, alive, safe and sound and that takes time and strength.

Yes, losing someone you love is difficult. However, you know what is even worse? Losing yourself.

It might sound brutal but whoever walks away from your life can and will be easily replaced.

You will find a new boyfriend, another friend or you can even connect with a person who will represent a family figure to you. 

The only person you can never replace is yourself. That is exactly why the most important relationship you’ll ever have is the one with yourself.

So, please don’t allow your losses and heartbreaks to spiritually kill you.

Don’t let them leave permanent consequences on your emotional and mental health and don’t let your bad experiences mark you for life. 

I’m begging you to chase away the idea that you’re incomplete without someone else. That you need other people’s approval, advice and guidance to carry on the right path.

I’m asking you to stop thinking that someone was giving purpose to your life. That you would be nothing without them and that you will never make it on your own. 

This might sound brutally honest but the truth is that we’re all alone in this world. 

Yes, it is nice having someone to love and support you but at the end of the day, you’re the one who has to deal with your own problems, the one who has to make all the important decisions regarding your life.

The one who has to heal her broken heart, who has to live with the consequences of her actions and the one who ends up alone with her thoughts.

Most importantly—you’re the only one who can make yourself happy

Yes, other people can contribute to your happiness and make it even greater but if you are not content with the life you have, nobody will appear with a magic wand and change that fact.

After knowing this, why do you still waste so much energy on the people who left your life for a reason? Why do you keep allowing your past demons to haunt you? 

Why do you keep on searching for closure and an explanation? Why can’t you leave it all behind and start afresh?

Remember: whoever doesn’t have a place in your life anymore shouldn’t be present in your heart or thoughts either.

So instead of putting all of your focus on trying to get back the ones you lost, please for once concentrate on yourself. 

Work on self-improvement and on becoming the best possible version of the girl you are now.

Work on reaching your future goals, without expecting anyone to give you a hand while doing so. 

Work on turning your dreams into reality and making your life as perfect as possible. Focus on making yourself happy, instead of waiting for someone else to do it for you.

No, there is nothing selfish about putting yourself, your needs and your desires first. In fact, it is exactly what you should have done a long time ago. 

Don’t forget that there is no one more valuable in this world than you. You’re precious and irreplaceable and no one compares to you. 

So, you better make sure not to lose yourselfin the process of searching for others.Because if that happens, you’re pretty much screwed.

Instead, take care of yourself the same way you would take care of the person you love the most in this world. Because that is exactly how things should be.

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God Made You The Way You Are.

Having somebody in your life who can see beyond your flaws and love you beyond all measure is something every human being aspires to attain.

Being loved for who you are as opposed to who this other person wants you to be is the ultimate dream, but unfortunately, one that seldom happens.

People aren’t as pure as they convince themselves they are.

People don’t always love you the way they promised they would.

That is a disappointment many people face at some point or another.

And there are moments where it can be excruciatingly hard to accept.

Everyone wants that “perfect” specimen of a human being and once they see any imperfections (which are signs that you’re only human), they look for a way out.

It can be heartbreaking and soul-crushing, but here’s why you shouldn’t despair.

If your man/woman can’t love all of you (flaws and all), don’t worry about it.

Firstly, he/she doesn’t deserve an opportunity to be close to you anyway and, secondly, there is somebody who loves you exactly the way you are.

The only one who sees all of your flaws and loves you profoundly as if you were the best thing on earth – God.

And isn’t that comforting? When you’re surrounded by a sea of shitty men, how soothing is it to know that there is someone who is always there for you?

Someone who will always root for you and give you that push whenever you need it.

You can’t see it and you certainly can’t hear it, but it’s there. 

You can notice signs of His existence during your harshest moments.

You know those days when you feel at your lowest and you lose faith in all humanity?

Those moments when people bring you down and all you can see in the mirror are your flaws?

Just know that God sees you, hears you, and has your back.

To Him – you’re perfect in all of your imperfect existence! 

He doesn’t care about those flaws you can’t stop worrying about because they are only a tiny part of your beautiful being!

He doesn’t think you’re being too clingy or overbearing.

He knows your capacity to love is simply overwhelmingly profound, and He wants you to know that it’s okay!

He doesn’t mind your occasional irrational fear of being unloved because that’s what every human goes through every now and again.

And with God, you never have to worry if you’re good enough.

To Him, that is not even a question. We are all His creations and He made us all individually the way He saw fit.

Who is anyone to judge you for being what God made you to be?

How do any of your toxic exes have the right to deem you unworthy when you are exactly what He wanted you to be?

This is where you win. Those who only see your flaws are superficial beings who are still not mature enough to comprehend that people are meant to be flawed.

How else are you going to learn to become the ultimate version of yourself?

How else are you meant to experience all the things in this world that, through pain, will teach you how to move forward in the best way for your well-being?

God wants you to explore all sides of you. He made you the way you are because that is exactly how you’re supposed to walk this earth.

That is how you are supposed to make friends and find those people who’ll love you through thick and thin.

If you were perfect, people would only love you because of that unique quality, and what’s the point in that?

We all make mistakes and hurt people along the way. That’s just life.

But once you learn that your shortcomings and imperfections aren’t to be feared but rather proud of, that’s when you get closer to figuring it all out.

God knows what He’s doing, no matter how tricky and confusing things may appear at times.

Leave all those people who point out your flaws and blame you for merely being human.

They’re the ones who are losing in life. Only those who find a way to make it work regardless of not being perfect are going to live a life worth living.

It’s not about being flawless. It’s about owning your imperfections and never letting them trump all those divine qualities you possess.

You are never going to be perfect, but when you realize that the only thing that matters is learning to love yourself regardless, you’ll understand why God made you the way you are.

When all those people try to bring you down, maintain your faith that He has a plan.

Repeat to yourself that nobody is perfect and you sure as hell are never going to try to be.

All you can do is be the best version of yourself and let Him see that you finally understand that a flaw here or there doesn’t define you.

What does define you is your ability to walk this earth like a proudly imperfect, yet badass woman who loves the shit out of herself, knowing she’s got the only support she will ever really need – God’s!