I Randomly Blog About Not Only My Personal Hardships, Experiences, And Journey Thus Far, But Also Topics Others Can Relate To. I Want Others To Know That You Are Not Alone, And Never Of Ashamed Of Your Story Or Where You Come From.
After I was able to pinpoint where all my anger, hate, hurt, and feelings of being unworthy stemmed from, I was able to release it and finally be free. After months and months of prayer, crying, and reliving the horrible past, I found myself in a place of inner peace. Everyone will have their own way of dealing with their hurt and releasing their pain. My way was to write a release letter to each person who hurt me physically and mentally (the abusers), emotionally (the ones who didn’t protect me), spiritually (God because part of me blamed him). I wrote so many letters to so many people letting them know that I forgive them for what they did to me. After I wrote the letters, I burned them and during the burning of them l vowed to release the hurt forever (but that was a lie). I also wrote a letter to myself forgiving myself for hating myself and promising myself to allow my heart, mind, and soul to heal.
That was 4 years ago. Today, I am still healing and allowing myself to love me fully. I have a hard time till this day forgiving those who hurt me, but I have released that hurt to the fire (at least I think I have). I am still consumed with hate and anger but now trying to live a peaceful and happy life. Hopefully someday I can find it in me to fully heal, forgive and free myself from all this anger and pain.
The person I was years ago is not the person I am today…thankfully.
I was in a bad way. Miserable out of my mind. There were days when I’d lie in bed, the drapes closed, day outside sliding into night and back to day, and I just didn’t want to deal. Deal with my thoughts. Deal with being sick. Deal with heartache. Deal with my company tanking. Deal….with….life.
Here is what saved me.
I’d reached my breaking point. I remember it well. I couldn’t take it anymore. I was done. Done with all of this. This misery, this pain, this angst, this being me. I was sick of it, done.
Done. Done. Done.
And in that desperation, I climbed out of bed, staggered over to my desk, opened my notebook, and wrote:
“This day, I vow to myself to love myself, to treat myself as someone I love truly and deeply – in my thoughts, my actions, the choices I make, the experiences I have, each moment I am conscious, I make the decision I LOVE MYSELF.”
There was nothing left to say. How long it took me to write this, less than a minute perhaps. But the intensity, it felt like I was carving words onto paper, through the desk. I’d been disgusted with myself – I could love another and wish them well, but what about me? From now on, I would focus only on this thought. For me.
I could’ve never imagined this would’ve happened. I would have never thought that you could possibly do me so wrong that I physically felt too sick to my stomach to even stand up. I should put all the blame on you, meanwhile part of me wants to blame myself. Why did I ever let you in? Why did I ever open up to you? Why did I let you see every part of me that you never even deserved to see? Why did I feel safe trusting you? Why did I let you have so much control over my life and my well-being? I don’t get it. I don’t get you.
I’ve been crying uncontrollably for the past few days, I’m overwhelmed, and I don’t know how I’m going to heel from this. I don’t even know if I’ll fully get over you because you were so kind, sweet, and loving towards me. I should’ve learned my less the first time, but I wanted to give you the benefit of the doubt. I think overall, I can say I’m furious.
Furious at the fact that you took advantage of all my love and dedication towards you.
Furious at the fact that you thought it was okay to just break my heart with no explanation why.
Furious at the fact that I ever spoke any good words about you and your character.
Furious at the fact that you unfortunately know me. I told you such deep, personal things about me that I could never take back.
Furious that you built me up then tore me down like an old abandoned house.
I preached like a fool that you were nothing but a good man. A dedicated, not like the others, good hearted man. You made me look foolish to everybody. I never knew what true heart break was until you came along and showed me firsthand. I’ve been lied to, taken as a joke, and dropped with no explanation at all and I’m still trying to see the best in you. Still trying to figure out what made you want to tear me apart. Why? I’m still trying to love like I’ve never been hurt. Why? That says a lot about my character and what you put me through says a lot about yours.
I doubt you will ever even read this, but if you somehow manage to come across it, hear this- I don’t think there will ever be a time where I will forgive you and what you have done. All the damage you have done to me mentally. Making me break down my mind, body, and soul. Not giving a fuck about my own well- being. An apology will never do it. You of all people know I’m always the one to give a lot of chances, but no way in hell will I be mistaken for a fool ever in my life because of you, a second time.
I hope hurting me was worth it.
I hope losing me was worth it.
I hope whoever you settle down with will never feel the pain I felt, because of you. I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy.
I hope you don’t choose another victim and play your game like did with me.
I hope my name taste like poison when it comes out of your mouth and your heart stings when you hear it.
I hope you rot in hell.
You will never know me, up close and personal like you wanted. Only from the sidelines, if that, and in the end I hope everything you put me through was well worth it. Because I’ve slipped right through your grip, and you will never get to know the new and improved me. The girl who has nothing but self love and confidence when she wakes up in the morning. That now, even though it took a long time, realizes her worth and will never let anybody take advantage or walk all over her ever again.
I could’ve never pictured any of this ever happening but It’s a shame you didn’t appreciate what you had, until it was gone and doing better.
I have been writing on my journal and to other people who are significant in my life, but I realised I have never ever written one to myself.
How have you been? You and I have been on quite a journey the past few years. We have hugged our knees, cried for hours till the tears dried, the throat hurt and the nose blocked, yet we continued crying. We have sat there on the shower floor, just in daze at that stormy situation that surrounded us. We have done so much drugs to numb that pain. That heart wrenching pain is real.
You and I, we also pushed ourselves to do different things. Completing going to the gym everyday, getting out of the comfort zone, adapting to being alone.
I have seen you have everything you probably wanted.
I have also seen you losing it all, suddenly and perhaps in a cruel way.
Life is not a straight line, there are ups and downs. It is a series of twists and turns, hills and valleys, with both smooth-sailing and rough seas.
I am sorry for all those times where I wanted to tear you apart. I am sorry for all the times I let you hang your head down low, for all the times I let you win, and beat myself up because of those insecurities. I was not strong enough to encourage, support and appreciate you.
I know life has been tough for you the past few years but you have done quite a good job to stay alive. I have seen you plummet to the state of despair and depress. Thank you for not giving up. You know, I am extremely proud that you managed to survive through.
It is said that trials and calamities/ hardships are the greatest blessings and lessons in disguise. These hardships force us into a new and better versions of us.
For a long time, you were lost. You were broken, having to make multiple decisions which were much against your belief and will. How did forever’s become never’s, you wonder? Hush hush, it is okay now, take some time to forgive yourself.
You are a lot stronger than you realized. I know there were many moments of pain and self-doubt but you got through all of it. Like a phoenix, you have emerged from the ashes to start a new life. You are a survivor. You have overcome those obstacles.
Have you noticed lately how much you have changed? I did. You have improved much more. You are now much confident to speak up on things on your mind and rise up to challenges. You are now able to sleep soundly without crying or drugs, have fun at night without feeling any pain, travel alone by yourself for holidays, and enjoy the time being alone. You selflessly contribute your time, efforts and to help others who are much more in need than you. Even though your wallet feels a lot lighter and poorer, your soul is much more happier and lighter. This change is beautiful. I am glad to see a fresh you. Bring out that confidence and beauty in yourself. Keep it going throughout your life.
As I am writing this letter, you have not fully figured out how your life will be yet. Let’s make a pact. Come back to re-read this letter 3 years later, and update me how you are doing. I truly hope that by that time, you have found your happiness and that you have followed a path that you are proud of.
Remember, behind those dark clouds, the sun is still shining.
You have got through this far. Continue to be strong. Do not stop loving. Do not stop caring.
To start off with, I am so proud of you. Life hasn’t been too easy on you lately, and I am truly sorry about that. But despite it all, you have managed to keep your head up and continue fighting throughout.
Be proud of everything you have gone through, and mostly, what you’ve become.
Stop being so hard on yourself. Everything will make sense to you one day. All the pain, hurt, and frustration will become worth it. Remember, everything happens for a particular reason. You are in the exact place you are meant to be right now. So breathe, be patient, and trust the course of your life. Let go of all the expectations you have created in your head. Accept reality as it comes. Accept life for what it is.
Don’t take everything so personally and try to not let others get you down. Most of the time, things have nothing to do with you, and everything to do with the other person. When people hurt you, try and understand their side of the story. Forgive them. Learn from their wrongdoings, and then let it remain in the past. Not everything is always how it appears.
You are perfect in every way, especially with your flaws. Accept the things that make you different, while embracing everything that makes you unique.
Even though you think you are broken, there is so much beauty in your pain. Also, you’re really not as broken as you think you are. You are stronger than anything that has tried to tear you down. You are a survivor, not a victim. So with that, try not to be so hard on yourself, we both know you’re doing the best you can.
Create a meaningful life for yourself that you can be proud of. Promise me, you will make the most of it all. Never let anyone get in the way of your goals in life. More importantly, never give up on your passions and your dreams. Do not waste your time on people who do not believe in you. You don’t need anyone like that in your life. Only surround yourself with people who encourage and inspire you.
You deserve the world and even a little more. You are smart. You are beautiful. You are enough. You are everything. You are all.
Try not to rely too much on others for your happiness.
At the end of the day, all you are guaranteed is yourself, never forget this.
Stop worrying so much about stupid guys. There is so much more to you than being someone else’s girlfriend or wife. Frankly, there is so much more to life than a guy. Be patient, and stay positive, while waiting for love. Just because you have not found it yet, does not mean you don’t deserve to be loved.
You must learn to completely love yourself, before you even try to love another.
Help others. Be a good friend and make sure to be kind of your family. Be selfless, not selfish. Love like you never seen pain before. And if you do not find the strength to do so, just make sure you find enough love for yourself.
You are so strong my dear. You have been through a lot and come out on the winning end. The world has tried to break you, but you never let it. Thank your past, for it has made you into a better person today.
Not everyone you meet is meant to stay around forever. People will leave you. On the contrary, you will also leave others. People will disappoint you, and all you can do is learn to appreciate them for what they have taught you. Thank the people who have stayed. Fill the spaces of the ones who have gone.
More importantly, gracefully let go of the things and people that are not meant for you. Accept things the way they are.
Thank you for never giving up and being so tough. You inspire others and you lift them up. Stay strong. Stand up tall. Be more beautiful than ever. Make them wonder how you do it.
In today’s ever-growing and ever-evolving society where high-tech gadgets and super fast delivery systems are enhancing the quality of our life, it is hard to practice patience, because everything is teaching us the exact opposite.
You order clothes from Amazon and you’ll likely receive it in record time.
Food delivery chains are at the top of their game with extremely fast and effective systems in place that, due to their competitive nature, keep upping their game (much to the customers’ delight).
There’s a lot of hard work taking place all over the world’s factories that are aiming to make the difficult situations as stress-free as possible, and their service is constantly improving because nobody can afford to be an impatient person anymore.
Human beings have forgotten that the key to everything is in fact patience and that happy life isn’t achieved by getting everything when they request it.
Why? Because our culture has learned to expect results within minutes of our demands.
Life lessons cannot be learned unless people let go of their lack of patience and slow their roll.
Patience is one of the most important traits a person can possess and I’m going to share with you why I strongly stand by this.
Imagine this scenario. You’re sitting in a traffic jam, with hundreds of cars surrounding you.
Everyone is currently immobile and impatiently bashing their horns in order to get others to move, but it only makes people more frustrated.
So what do you do as you’re impatiently waiting for the traffic to clear out? You take out your little gadget and immediately Google stuff and check your social media accounts to see if perhaps you’ve got some new comments.
You might even tweet something to your co-workers or high school friends as you just can’t bring yourself to sit there with your hands tied for five whole minutes and not do something on your mobile phone.
And if you don’t get an instant reply or a desired “like” on something you tweeted, you get irrationally annoyed and frustrated because how dare they?
You know most of them are online.
So why wouldn’t they react and boost your ego by sharing that funny tweet you so cleverly thought of?
Why wouldn’t that person text you right back and therefore show you how important you are to them?
But think about this. What does that say about you and us as a people?
What kind of message does it send to our children?
Will it ultimately make them better people or set them up for failure?
If you don’t get instant results on something you crave, consider yourself a failure?
Always make sure you’re doing something instead of just enjoying the beautiful moment you’re in?
This is setting a dangerous precedent to your future offspring.
It shows them that the beauty around them is irrelevant and unworthy of appreciation.
It shows them that being in touch with everyone at all times trumps being present in your life and taking care of what’s in front of you.
It teaches them to test the Lord’s patience.
And for what? A short-term gratification because somebody blessed their social media feed with a saucy comment?
A moment of happiness because your order arrived impossibly fast?
That is a lot of evasive, short-term joy that is pulling you away from the right direction.
The one that teaches you to enjoy the little things and stop expecting things to happen at the snap of your finger.
Here’s my two cents. During my many years on this earth, I’ve been known to have a severe lack of patience for most of my life.
At times, I believe it made me a difficult person to be around (which was never my intention).
I believed in all those get-rich-quick schemes that clearly didn’t work.
I expected things to just come to me without giving much in return.
I tested my parents’ patience on more than one occasion and if I didn’t get my way, I’d throw a fit.
See, I believed in the power of “now.”
Why would I have to waste my precious time waiting for something if I could get it in a much faster manner?
Why would I believe my parents when they said if I always got what I wanted, I’d never learn the importance of hard work and sacrifice?
But boy were they right. I have learned a thing or two since my early youth.
I have replaced my incessant wants and needs with patience and gratitude.
I no longer go the fast route. I take my time. I enjoy what’s in front of me.
If I get stuck in a traffic jam, instead of looking down on my phone, I observe the nature around me.
I smile at the dog in the back seat of the car next to me.
I put on some music and jam on my own while people around me watch, probably thinking I’ve gone mad.
But you know what? I don’t really care. I don’t need that instant gratification anymore.
I don’t crave everything in the palm of my hand.
Now what I want more than anything is to have children one day who will be brought up appreciative of what they have.
Children who will know the significance of hard work and effort.
I don’t want to live in a world where people are nervous and go crazy at each other for the most insanely ridiculous reasons.
Do you know what I tell myself now, when I’m in a situation that would normally drive me mad?
I repeat to myself: if you’re stuck here waiting for the traffic to clear out in order to get to work, so is everybody else!
If your photo didn’t get a hundred “likes” within an hour, so what?
Do I really care about all these virtual people’s opinions?
If I didn’t have time to make dinner at 7 pm sharp, does it really matter?
It honestly doesn’t. We can eat just as well at 8.
Live in the moment. Observe life around you.
Don’t let good things pass you by while you’re impatiently expecting things to arrive to you.
Once you shift your focus away from your constant wants and needs, you’ll finally realize that the moment you’re in right now is what life is all about!
A sensitive heart can be a heavy burden. Your heart is so fragile, so gentle, and so delicate that even the smallest things can disrupt its balance. But that’s okay.
You are crying now and you can’t focus your mind, right? I know the feeling.
That feeling where you’re choking on your own fears, emotions, and tears. It’s like your own body can’t handle itself. It’s an emotional state almost impossible to escape.
Sometimes I feel like it’s just anxiety playing with me, or that it’s the people around me who are the only ones to blame for my emotions.
But at the end of the day, does the cause truly matter? Or does the way you react to it matter more?
Can I just tell you: what I’ve learned that helps the most in these moments is accepting that minute of feeling lost and out of your mind.
You are always so busy, you want to achieve something in your life, and you stress out about everything. You make plans, you organize things, and come nighttime, you fall asleep exhausted from all those things you did that day. At the end of the day, you completely ignore your mental health and can’t understand that you’re under a lot of unnecessary stress.
But let me just tell you that being productive and following your dreams doesn’t always mean that your heart is protected.
It takes just one person in your life to say something before thinking or do something that makes you wonder if they ever loved you, for you to fall onto your knees and feel your heart sharply breaking inside your chest.
He hurt you. He did this to you. When you look back at it, you remember that time you were there for him when he was so lost. You wish for him to be right next to you and help you get through this. But he is not.
He’s not there with you and you know that he won’t even come.
You’ll be crying your eyes out for a while, but that is fine. You’ll feel that churning sensationlike you’re about to throw up. But it’s all normal. You shouldn’t be blaming yourself for this emotional moment.
Your mind is blank, isn’t it? You feel everything so deeply that your mind has shut itself down, because there’s nothing it can think at this moment to make you feel better.
So let me be the one to tell you: Accept yourself for what you are right at this moment!
You are an emotional wreck, so embrace it!
The more you try to silence your emotions, the more you try to hide them away from the world, the more damage they will cause on your body, mind, and soul. The destruction is not a matter of seconds. It’s a matter of months, or even worse – years. It’s so slow that you don’t notice it coming!
The damage will go beyond tears because you will continue carrying those emotions with you wherever you go!
Isn’t it better to just let it all go? It feels awful right now, but in the morning you will feel relieved! You’ll feel lighter, like you have let go of a huge burden.
You shouldn’t be angry at yourself for feeling all of these things! You’ll only be adding another emotion, and anger aimed at yourself isn’t going to do you any good right now.
What you need now is unconditional, lasting love for yourself! You need it now more than ever before.
You need to realize that even though it’s harder to breathe through all these tears, even though your face is swollen and blotchy, there’s still no reason for you to not love yourself.
When you wake up in the morning, with those bags under your eyes, you will remember how you felt and respect yourself enough to not let that happen to you again.
You won’t let anyone treat you that way again, because it hurts too much to be let down by someone you loved with your entirety.
But at this moment, it’s better to let it all out than to drag it along with you, because you’ll meet someone and want to give them everything, but you won’t be able to due to your emotions being held inside for so long.
That’s why you have to let go of all of it. And this is how you’re going to achieve that natural state of ease.
You’ve gone through something extremely painful. Now, you’re dealing with it, but instead of lying back and letting what happened to you disappear, you’re obsessing with it.
You put so much pressure on yourself that at some point you become a loner. You refuse to hang out with anyone because you’re only stuck in your head.
You’re only thinking about what happened to you over and over again. Do you really think that things would be different if you knew about the betrayal or that person’s intentions towards you?
You have to decide to get better. You have to get out of the black hole that hideous emotional state is pulling you to. Because one day when you meet someone who is completely worthy of every little piece of you, you will regret not being able to give them everything you are.