Open Topic

2020, I Am Finally Ready.

I’m finally ready to leave behind everything bad that has happened to me. I’m finally ready to start a new chapter of my life. I’m ready to write on those blank pages that are waiting to be filled.

I know that I’ve made mistakes and I know that a lot of fucked up things happened to me this year, but I’m finally ready to leave it behind because those things are going to be memorized as only parts of my life, only a few pages of thousands to come.

I’m finally ready to leave the past where it belongs.

I’m ready to turn to the future and I’m excited about whatever it holds for me. It doesn’t matter if it’s going to be bad or good, I’m ready for whatever happens. I’m not afraid because I know I will survive everything, I know I can because I already did.

I’m finally ready to learn from all the mistakes I’ve made. I’m ready not to make them again. But I know I will go wrong somewhere once again and that doesn’t matter. I decided it doesn’t matter because I will let those mistakes go and learn from them once again. That is how I will grow and learn. That is how I will become even better than I already am.

I’m finally ready to make a fresh start. I will leave this year in the past and I will forgive it and let it go.

Along with this year, I will leave in the past every heartbreak I’ve had. I will forgive this year for making me feel lost and for taking things away from me. At the end of it all, I will forgive myself for expecting too much and getting not nearly as much as I was hoping to get.

I want to thank you because you taught me how to stand up for myself. You taught me how to speak my mind. You taught me that nothing falls into your lap and that you have to try very hard and to fight for the things you want.

Before I move on and close this chapter and say the final goodbye, I want to say that I’m thankful for all the lovely people I’ve met, for all the laughter I’ve had. I will never forget the happy moments that made my life beautiful even when it was only for a moment. I’m thankful for the pain I’ve felt because of the people who helped me heal and forget.

But, it’s time to finally say goodbye and lock the door to my past. I can’t change anything that has happened and I won’t bother trying. Instead, I’m going to build the courage I have left to keep on fighting for my new beginning because I deserve one but I have to allow myself to have one. That’s why I’m saying goodbye.

I know that this year has been unlike any other. It was my choices that gave it a path to walk on. I guess I’m not forgiving or blaming this year. I’m forgiving and thanking myself and I’m giving myself another chance.

So, 2020, here I come, ready to spend time with you, only this time it’ll be different. This time I’m so ready and stronger than ever.

Open Topic

Change And Growth.

‘Change is a necessary part of life. Be willing to surrender what you are for what you could become.’ – Unknown

It is in human nature to think that change is something bad or unnecessary and the biggest obstruction of our happiness, something completely different.

It is in human nature to be afraid of new things, new challenges and new risks but without it, we would never be able to evolve.

Change happens when we least expect it and no matter how hard we resist to accept and embrace it, no matter how hard we try to stay in our comfort zone, change will keep doing its job and it will influence our mind, body and soul. 

Now, it is up to us whether we will choose to accept it as something totally unnecessary and destructible or something that influences our personal development and helps us grow.

In the last few years, I’ve learned that every change is a good change to a certain degree.

If you choose to embrace change and see it as a new opportunity, new experience and different perspective that shapes your being and helps you evolve, you will realize that change is necessary for your own well-being, success and happiness!

Every big change creates a disruption but it is a necessary disruption without which we wouldn’t be able to grow and reach our full potential.

Imagine that you’re living a “perfect life” without any disruptions and you know exactly what to expect and when to expect it to happen.

It wouldn’t only be boring and monotonous but also you would never have an opportunity to test your boundaries, become more resilient and stronger, right? 

That is the main reason why every positive change and negative change is necessary for growth and our personal development.

By embracing change, we’re allowing our future self to improve, shine and become bigger and stronger! 

So, once you get the courage to pursue and embrace a change, you will experience benefits that will make your life so much better!

We often see every change as a bad thing but that every change teaches us something new and it is necessary for personal growth.

Change is the only constant and for the sake of understanding it more clearly, I’ll compare it with change management methods present in every organization as a part of human resource.

Let’s say that your brain collects your personal data (events and changes) and then creates a discussion network where everything gets sorted out and starts making perfect sense.

It is a process where you get to realize that every change has taught you something new.

Change is a process that helps you move on, understand your feelings better and improve your performance.

Change brings you tons of benefits, just like new technology and new products.

If we still had old phones in our hands, we would never be able to Tweet or share new posts with the world that are definitely worth sharing.

Every change (be it big or small) helps you easily adapt to new situations, new environments and new people.

It makes you flexible to every potential change in the future and as a result, it prevents you from getting stuck in the status quo. 

When something unexpected happens, you won’t freak out or freeze because your brain has already learned how to deal with new situations and through every change, it just upgrades its knowledge. 

Frequent changes delete every single trace of anxiety and stress when dealing with new life events and they make you more open-minded to and grateful for new experiences.

If our lives were constantly devoid of any type of change or “turbulence,” we would never be able to look at things from a different perspective.

We would be stuck forever in some kind of limbo where nothing ever changes and as a result, we wouldn’t be familiar with different outcomes and different life values.

But lucky us, for living in a world of continuous changes which help us weigh up our pros and cons, learn valuable lessons and, as a result, reinforce our life values.

We live in a world where we are given the chance to do things differently each time and implement knowledge shaped by our previous experiences.

I’m aware of the fact that this phrase will probably sound corny to many of you but what the hell: “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger!

I myself was a little bit skeptical about this one for years but it turned out that it is nothing but the truth.

Overcoming changes makes you ten times more resilient, flexible and stronger. How?

Because every change is like a mini battle that needs to be overcome, accepted and embraced in order to see the real beauty of it and reach your full potential.

When I was about to move to a new statre, I was frozen in my own body. I was going through multiple panic attacks on a daily basis and I couldn’t function properly.

But now I realize that it was the best thing I have ever done and I wouldn’t change anything.

Changing our paths and usual direction will open the doors to new opportunities and experiences and all we need to do is gather the courage and decide to embrace a new path instead of avoiding it like the plague or something destructible. 

I’m pretty sure that many of us are not even aware of the things around us until something changes.

Change brings excitement to our lives, a smile to our faces and the promise that we will never find ourselves being stuck in a rut. 

And it doesn’t have to be a big change like moving to another city or similar.

Mini changes like rearranging your apartment, choosing a different path when going for a walk, trying new beverages, etc., will refresh your daily routine and teach you that there are tons of other things awaiting you to discover them.

Take a look back at the past and think about your old self five years ago.

Do you notice how your personality, appearance and mindset have significantly altered? You have changed, right?

And all those mini and maxi changes are what made you who you are today.

Everything you went through is a result of becoming the person you’re ought to be. Change equals progress and progress equals personal development and growth.

Breaking up with a partner, leaving a job, moving to another city and similar all bring about new beginnings.

Closing one chapter means starting another one, often a more exciting one. 

Change brings new beginnings, new promises, new perspectives and new reasons for happiness.

Change shapes your beliefs and mindset and it gives you an opportunity to make things right and learn from your mistakes.

Final Thoughts:

Change is necessary for personal development and growth because without it, we wouldn’t be able to learn new perspectives and become stronger and wiser regarding our future choices. 

Change is an inevitable part of our lives and the sooner we learn to embrace it and perceive it as something positive, the sooner we’ll start living the life we deserve. 

‘The secret of change is to focus all of your energy, not on fighting the old, but on building the new.’ – Dan Millman, Way Of The Peaceful Warrior: A Book That Changes Lives

Open Topic

One Day…

I promise that one day I’m going to wake up and you’ll be just an outline of what I used to know way too well. That day, that morning, I’ll finally live up to my promise and my dream to forget you. One day, I’ll leave you behind, I’ll leave you in my past and continue my life as if nothing happened.

That morning, when I get up without you on my mind, I won’t do anything extraordinary. I’ll just crawl out of my bed, hit the showers and walk barefoot down the stairs to the kitchen. I’ll pour myself a cup of coffee and I’ll take a deep breath. There won’t be anything bothering me, it will be just a normal morning with normal me. One that I haven’t had in a long time, thanks to you.

I used to forget time with you and now I’ll use the time to forget you.

I’ll forget how much I wanted you. I’ll forget how I woke up with a desire to talk to you and I’ll forget how I went to sleep thinking of you.

I’ll forget how happy I was when I had you in my life. I’ll forget how your smallest gesture could put a smile on my face. I’ll forget how I’d feel like I’m walking on the clouds after a night out with you.

I’ll forget how for a second I thought I had everything figured out. I’ll erase the perfect picture I created in my mind of how things are supposed to be. I’ll forget that I actually thought you’d be the main role in my life in the future.

I’ll forget how you changed. I’ll forget how you loved me one moment and how you were leaving in another. I’ll forget how your eyes were full of adoration one second and how it all disappeared in another.

I’ll forget how you were kind and how you switched to being cold in a second. I’ll forget how I felt like you are the most amazing person in the world at one moment and how you made me scared in another.

I’ll forget how is it to be yours and how it feels to be in the seventh heaven and in the lowest level of hell at the same time. How I never knew if we’re going to have a good or a bad day, if you’re going to love me or hate me for something that I did.

I’ll forget how you slowly stopped caring about me. I won’t remember how you stopped choosing me and how you started shoving me down on your priority list. I won’t remember how everybody became more important than me. I’ll forget how you started forgetting me.

One day, I won’t remember how I was a mess.

One day, I won’t be a mess anymore.

One day, I’ll pull myself together and I’ll fight the memory of you that’s been dragging me down for far too long.

I’ll forget about you long enough to forget why I need to.

I won’t remember how I was the one that kept being hurt. How at the end of our story, I was the only one that gave a damn.

One day, I promise the only thing I’ll remember about you will be your name. One day, all the memories I have of you will be erased. One day, I’ll crawl out of my bed without a single trait of you in me. One day, I’ll let go. I can hardly wait for that day to come.

I’m looking forward to reading a new chapter of my book where you won’t be neither hero nor villain. I’m looking forward to reading the chapter where you won’t exist at all.

Open Topic

Thank You For Breaking Me.

I guess I should thank you for treating me the way you did. Because now I know how I deserve to be treated. I deserve a man who will listen to me. A man who will not make jokes about my flaws just because it makes him laugh.

I deserve a man who will respect me. I deserve someone who will be there. I deserve someone who will kiss my tears away—not make me cry.

Thank you for cheating on me—multiple times. Now I know that not being enough for you was never my fault. And thank you for leaving me for one of them—not sure which one. It saved my life.

I should also thank you for not loving me. Now I love myself the way you never could. I love the sound of my laugh—the one you hated. You said I sounded like a starting engine. I love my scars, because they tell the story that I survived. You said they were ugly, that I should cover them. I love my freckles, my weird toes and stretch marks. I love my imperfect body perfectly.

Thank you for leaving when I needed you. It taught me how to take care of myself.

And lastly, thank you for being the worst thing that ever happened to me. Thank you for teaching me what a toxic relationship looks like. Thank you for shattering me to bits, just so I could pick myself up and love every broken part of me.

I was ashamed for so long, ignoring everything you did to me. Hiding from my family, my friends—just trying to hide the fact that I stayed in such a relationship for so long. But not anymore. I am not ashamed I stayed. I am not ashamed that I trusted you and loved you with all my heart. I’m just ashamed that it took me so long to understand this.

Open Topic

You Broke Me More When I Wanted You To Fix Me.

I still remember the day when I met you, you looked like the man I had been waiting for my whole life. You were generous, kind and had the most beautiful smile ever. Too bad that from your sweet mouth there were so many lies that I couldn’t imagine anyone could say.

You know, I really didn’t see you coming. You just appeared in front of me and I thought to myself that God himself was sending you to save me from myself. But, as always, I was so wrong. You came into my life just like you could feel my wounds that were still bleeding. You were like a wild animal that was feeding on someone’s flesh. And that was what you did to me. You came and you knew my whole story. You knew that I had been through hell and back and that the last thing I needed then was someone who would take advantage of me. I still remember the day when I told you about the man who totally ruined me and just walked away. You said to me that I didn’t deserve that and that he was stupid for letting me go.

You said that I was too perfect for someone like him and if I wanted, then he would try to heal all those cracks and scars in my heart. And in my head, there were so many mixed feelings but above, all I wanted was to be loved. And I gave you a shot because I needed someone to make me feel better. I thought you were a real man for that but I was so wrong. I can’t blame myself because you were such a damn good actor. You found a way to deceive a girl who loved you.

You said that you would never hurt me. You said you wouldn’t and you fucking did! You beat me to emotional death by doing all those bad things to me. For you, I was the perfect victim because someone had already hurt me. You just came and finished the job. That was a way for you to feel superior. Well, let me tell you something. In love, there isn’t anyone who is superior. In love, both people are equal in all that they do. In love, there is nobody above you or beneath you but instead they are beside you, where your heart is. Oh wait, that is something that you obviously don’t have. Because if you had a heart, you wouldn’t have hurt me so badly.

I just don’t understand why you did all that to me. Why all that cheating, name-calling, emotional and physical abuse and gaslighting? What did you want to get out of it? Someone who would listen to you blindly? Don’t you know that I already did that because I loved you? You didn’t have to do all those nasty things to me. I just wanted you to love me but you couldn’t do even that. Because in your own way, you were broken too. But like any man, you were too proud to admit that. You can’t love someone else if you don’t love yourself. And that was a mistake we both made.

We both wanted to get love from another person but in fact, we just had to love ourselves to be healed. I admit my mistake and I know that I won’t repeat it anymore. In all this mess called life, I have learned so many things, though I learned all of them in a tough way. I learned that I shouldn’t have to believe in all your lies that you told me just to get into my bed. I learned that I should first respect myself so others can do that as well. I learned that I can’t force love to come into my life but I have to wait for it. Because if I force something, it might not be the right thing. I know that from my experience with you. I wanted someone to be with me so badly but it turned out that I didn’t make as good a choice as I had thought. You were such a coward to break an already broken woman. And the worst thing was, that you didn’t feel any remorse for doing that.

You thought that our toxic relationship would last for ages and that you would always be controlling me. But you didn’t know that I am a born warrior and sooner or later I would stand up and fight for myself. Once you realize that you have only one life to live and that someone is destroying it, you get crazy. And that was what I did. I completely lost my mind and I kicked you out of my house and my heart. Even if I loved you and even it hurt me to let you go, I knew it was more painful to keep you close. Now, I finally have the closure I craved so much. Now, I am a woman who knows what she wants and I won’t settle for less than I deserve.

And you know what? I really don’t need a man to fix me. I just need a man who will love me while I fix myself. And that man will never be YOU!

Open Topic

I Am Strong, But Tired.

Strength is believing in love when you’ve only known heartbreak. 

It’s drying your own tears that no one knew you cried.

Strength is overcoming your own demons or vices.

And looking at someone who completely broke you and you forgive them.

Strength is helping others even when it’s you that hasn’t quite figured it out yet.

It’s trusting everyone, even though you have every reason not to.

Strength is biting your tongue when someone is unkind and realizing it’s a reflection of them and not you.

It’s holding on and believing in something you know you deserve, but haven’t gotten yet. 

Strength is when everyone doubts you, but you believe in yourself anyway.

I’m strong, but I’m tired.

I’m tired of being hurt every time I get my hopes up.

I’m tired of anticipating the worst and watching it play out. 

I’m tired of being let down.

And always blaming myself for things.

I’m tired of people telling me I need to change. Then every time I try to I lose myself in an attempt to make them happy.

I’m tired of constantly being challenged and always having to be the bigger person.

I’m tired of thinking too much about people who care too little. 

I’m tired of overthinking.

I’m tired of spending 15 minutes of coming up with a text only to get an answer K.

I’m tired of trying so hard to please others when I don’t ask for much in return.

I’m tired of staying up at night as thoughts consume me and I can’t sleep.

I’m tired of carrying this weight on my shoulders from my past that haunts me.

I’m tired of being strong for everyone.

I’m tired of always figuring out the solutions when it isn’t even my problem to begin with.

I’m tired of the explanations that came too late.

And people walking away with no reason when I’m the one holding the door saying, “I’ll miss you.

Caring as much as this hurts. It’s knowing pain at levels others never will. It’s knowing sadness and darkness the way others don’t. It’s experiencing heartbreak that hurts more than any physical amount of pain.

But on the other end of such intense emotions is knowing a love so deep, it fills you despite their absence. Despite a sadness you can’t shake, on most days, you’ll experience the happiness that makes it worth it. Despite the pain of endings, you’ll look forward to new beginnings. Because you know when you get it right, it’s worth it.

If you ask any person who is like this, what they would choose, they wouldn’t change anything about themselves even if they are tired.

There is something rare about a person that strong. They are the healers of the world. They are the light for others in darkness. They are the hope when everyone has lost it and they end up being loved deeply by everyone for being exactly who they are, and not changing when others allowed pain to change them.

Though regardless of how tired, hurt, or disappointed these people feel, the fact they haven’t changed is why they are different. Pain changes most people, but for some, they see pain simply as the other end of the same spectrum that love is on, so they stay the path and keep their heads high.

Open Topic

Let Me Love You.

I’ve never been one to half ass many things, love included.

And I don’t love simply. I go into it with everything I have knowing very well it could end badly in a puddle of my own tears. But I also know every once in awhile those chances pay off and something great could come of it.

Just maybe the next chance I take could be the right one.

That’s what I hang onto.

I think a lot of people I don’t know how to love the right way. Many fear not being loved back so they don’t give their heart to anyone freely or fully. But to love anything in life, really love it or love someone, it has to come from a genuine place. It doesn’t require love to even be returned to you. The right kind of love is one in which you give knowing very well you might not get anything from it. Love comes bearing no pressure or expectation. To be the type of person who can love others without needing it for themselves, that’s what will get you the love you deserve.

I know this. I live by this. I say I love you probably “too many” times in my life. But I always mean it. If there’s one thing I’m good at, it’s loving the right way.

But love is as complicated as it is simple.

It’s easy to fall in love. It’s impossible to fall out of it. 

It’s easy to love others. It’s impossible to teach someone how to love themselves.

It’s easy to say I love you. It’s hard when you don’t hear it back.

And I’ll be the first to admit I’m not an easy person to love, maybe because I value it. Maybe because I put it on some pedestal. But maybe it deserves to be there because when you find the right love, it’s everything.

I love too easy, when maybe I’d benefit from being guarded. 

I trust too simply, when maybe I should wait a little longer.

I fall too fast and believe too deeply, but it’s my unwavering faith that it will one day be all mine, but fully is what will get me there.

Maybe heartbreak isn’t supposed to make you bitter. Maybe we need to get our hearts broken a hundred times just for that one time of getting it right to learn it’s worth it.

I know heartbreak means I’m taking the right types of chances in life.

But maybe it’s me doing it right and everyone else is wrong.

Maybe we need to take those chances fearlessly to get this type of thing we all want, even if we won’t admit it.

Love is a bit of gambling and I’ve always been one who plays for keeps. Not only do I play for keeps, but it’s a game I’m good at.

But the game I play is different than the one we’ve come to know about dating.

I’ll always play the right type of game. I’ll never play to hurt you. I’ll never play to lead you on. In a world full of liars, I promise you I’ll always be honest.

I’ll do everything to make it work.

Because this is how you love the right way.

Be vulnerable. 

Be fearless.

Be good to others.

And love unconditionally.

Love comes with a bit of risk. The risk is getting hurt. It comes with walls crumbling down when all you want to do is run the other way and build them back up. It comes having faith in one another when you don’t know what is ahead. And trusting each other despite doubts.

And if you can trust me and take a chance on me, it’ll be worth it.

I ask a few things of you, have patience with me. While I love freely and try to be cautious, I understand the downside to being this type of person. It doesn’t always end in my favor.

I’m not an easy person to love because I value it so deeply. But I don’t have grand expectations.

Love me and I’ll love you back. It’s that simple.