“He will try to take away my pain and he just might make me smile. But the whole time I’m wishing he was you instead.” – Taylor Swift
When your name is brought up, it gets added to a list with many others of stories that didn’t end how I wanted them to.
When I see you, it’s this little reminder of everything I wanted in a person and came so close to getting but didn’t.
And I look at you a little longer, wondering why we couldn’t be.
And I look at your smile and it’s in those moments I know you still have me, if you chose to.
But, you never chose me. You never wanted me the way I wanted you. And I couldn’t keep trying for someone who wasn’t unsure of me, but was unsure of themselves.
If you ask me, do I still love you, the answer is yes. If you ask me, do I miss you, the answer is yes. If you ask me, do I still think of you, the answer is still yes.
But when those thoughts cross my mind and my judgment becomes cloudy and the what-ifs dance in my mind taking me away from reality, I have to bring myself back.
Then I look at him and that’s the reality.
He’s someone I care for. He’s someone who treats me well. He’s someone who gives me everything you couldn’t.
And I don’t blame you for it. I hold no animosity towards you. I still look at you and think the world of you. But I accept the fact for reasons I might understand later, we weren’t meant to be.
Then I look at him.
And we sit across a table at a meal I know I won’t pay for. I walk through a door I didn’t have to open. I go bed at night with a text I know I’ll get and I’ll never go to bed wondering why aren’t I enough.
I won’t spend hours fixating upon how to word something, and is it wrong.
I won’t wonder how he feels every time a notification comes up, and it’s his name.
I won’t stand in the mirror for hours never feeling not pretty enough or good enough.
I won’t stare at my phone wondering why he didn’t answer.
I won’t be home alone as he cancels.
I won’t go to bed upset waking up at 2am.
I won’t ever have to try so hard, because he’s constantly going all the way.
And if you ask me do I care about him? The answer is yes. If you ask me does he make me happy, the answer is yes. He makes me laugh, smile and feel wanted and needed. He gives me a security you never were able to, as you fumbled through confusion dragging me through your own chaos.
But I’m conflicted between wants and needs. And my heart is heavy because here is someone who gives me everything I need, but I still look at you like you’re everything I want in a person.
And maybe that makes me selfish. Maybe that’s not right.
Or maybe it isn’t until you get what you deserve you stop wanting the things and people who don’t deserve you.