Getting Over You.

“I don’t wanna rush into anything. She’s getting over someone too, kinda like me an’ you. An’ she talks about him every once in a while, an’ I just nod my head an’ smile. ‘Cause I know exactly what she’s goin’ through… yeah, I’ve been there too. When the conversation turns to you.” -Keith Anderson 

It happened exactly as they said it would. Really quickly. Unlike in the past, there weren’t mixed signals. There wasn’t any bit of confusion. There wasn’t a bit of uncertainty. It was just looking at someone and knowing ‘okay this is going to be something.’ Within 5 minutes of meeting him, I knew I’d be asked out on a date before leaving the store. I admit I spent a lot more money than I initially intended because well, I just wanted to talk to him longer. Numbers were exchanged. Or rather I gave him mine, not to be coy at all but because my phone is constantly dead.

Upon attaching my phone to a portable cell phone charger and driving home, when it turned back there was already a text.

Someone this confident in how they felt when all I knew were half-hearted love stories was strange and unfamiliar to me.

Conversation flowed naturally and next thing I know, I’m finding out someone’s entire life story who I hadn’t known 24 hours ago.

So when I cried myself to sleep that night, it crushed me. When I woke up to a good morning text, it stung a little. The truth is, when you’re still getting over someone and you meet someone new, there isn’t that relief of “finally.”

Because you are still hurting and processing this pain as someone new enters the picture.

The pain you feel isn’t because of this new person, but rather the reality that hits you that you need to start moving on and trying to heal.

There’s the pain of love lost and still thinking about that person. Still wondering if they’ll change their mind. Still hurting but trying to heal. I know it’s not right.

Physically, I was there but emotionally, I wasn’t.

You want to be over them, but even that will take time. You didn’t ask to fall in love. You didn’t ask to get your heart broken. And you certainly didn’t ask for fate to throw someone at you when you weren’t ready.

But maybe that’s how it’s supposed to be.

And you aren’t falling too hard or too fast. You aren’t feeling much at all. You become numb as a defense mechanism. When pain is all you know everything that isn’t, feels weird.

When you give your best and your whole heart to someone and it isn’t enough, you don’t even know what you have to offer someone new. 

And you want to explain it to them, this is what I’m going through right now. But you know they deserve a fair shot. You don’t want to put pressure on them thinking they need to heal you. And you wish you could give them your best, but all of it is a process. You don’t want to make them feel exactly the way someone else has made you feel like it’s them not good enough. Or that you are comparing them to someone else. So instead, you stay silent trying to move forward even if it’s baby steps.

Maybe your heart isn’t in it completely. I mean how could it be?

You’re still looking at your phone and wanting to hear from that person but at the same time, knowing it’s best you don’t. So instead you divert your attention to someone who is giving you theirs.

But you know sometimes all it takes someone treating you right and loving you right. Maybe they aren’t what you want, but maybe they are exactly what you need. Maybe some people are designed to heal the pain others cause and love you in a way that is so unfamiliar it’s right.

Maybe we are all one degree and one strange encounter away from healing. Maybe it isn’t something we don’t have to do alone, just maybe all it takes is one person to teach us the pain we feel right now and everything we’ve been holding on to for this long is what we can let go of. 

Drunk Anxiety.

I sit here hungover I’m replaying everything in my mind, at least everything I remember. 

It comes in snid-bits and flashbacks I only half regret bc as much as I enjoy drinking and going out and having a social life, the moral hangover is ten times worse when you have anxiety.

Questions ring in my mind

What did I say last night?
Who did I offend?
Who should I apologize to?
Why was I crying?
Did I lose a friend bc something that happened? 

A normal person dismisses these drunk nights out as something that happens to everyone.

But no matter how many times you try to justify that, having anxiety you hold yourself to a different standard. Even if something happened that wasn’t that bad, you hold onto it for days not giving yourself the forgiveness you deserve.

When you have anxiety you’re ten times harder on yourself than anyone else.

Because the truth is, everyone can forgive you but you’ll always be your toughest critic.

It’s waking up to phone calls “do you remember what you said or did last night?”

Nope. Not a clue.

Then you listen with remorse.

And the hardest part is when you say something that holds a bit of truth to it.

Sober you control everything you say. After overthinking and overanalyzing if you should say it or not. But drunk, all of it just comes out like a flood of emotions that you’ve kept hidden.

When you drink and have anxiety disorder, at first you’re comfortable enjoying the night, then you get too comfortable.

When you drink, it’s like your anxiety disorder goes away temporarily.

Next thing you know, you’re in the bathroom talking someone’s ear off in a conversation you won’t even remember.

When you have anxiety and drink, you might think you’re just loosening up but in reality, you’re using alcohol to cope bc of this thing you can’t control.

When you’re drunk and have anxiety, it’s the only time you aren’t giving a fuck. But you’re going to have to pay for that later. 

And as much as you want to just move on, you also hate yourself for getting to the point you did…again.

It’d be easy to not get drunk and just stay sober but in the moment, you like those nights where anxiety isn’t controlling your life.

Even hungover and sober there’s something you admire about yourself when you’re drunk.

You’re that carefree person you wish you could be all the time. And that’s the real reason why a lot of people with anxiety love drinking as much as they hate it.

In a way, it almost seems worth it, as you struggle to live with these two parts of yourself that seem polar opposite. You love and hate them but, can’t get rid of either, so they painfully co-exist.

They continue to fight each other, but it seems anxiety always wins in the end. 

Meeting Someone Right.

Unfamiliar. Strange. Uncomfortable. Fearful. Curious. Questioning. 

These are all words that came to my mind meeting him.

It was like all the time before I knew I deserved better, but there was something about choosing people and choosing to partake in stories I knew the ending to.

When I pined after the wrong people, it was there I found an odd sense of control knowing how the story would be written.

The scariest stories are the ones you don’t know the endings too. The ones where love rewrites everything you once had planned for yourself. Suddenly someone new enters the pictures and changes everything.

I think that’s what I feared most. So this same thing I claimed I wanted, was the also this thing I never gave a chance to. 

While it hurt to watch a recurring theme of failed relationships, there was something familiar about it.

The truth was, I didn’t have horrible taste in people, I just was a creature of habit.

It was something I accepted and almost oddly welcomed. For so long I thought maybe love wasn’t mine to be had. Maybe there are some people who are supposed to be alone. Some people simply meant to help others fill voids as they break themselves to make others whole.

Maybe my role was simply to heal others at the cost or hurting myself more.

When you walk around feeling so broken, you begin to learn how to function without some essential pieces other people have.

I looked at happy couples both envious but knowing it might not be in the cards for me.

 I knew half-hearted love stories that all ended the same way.

I was used to people leaving without even saying goodbye.

Almost relationships and pining after people who wouldn’t commit, became regular to me. 

I was used to conversations ending midway as I sent double texts.

I was used to being ignored. Even when I gave them my full attention.

I was used to the games and confusion.

And never being a priority, even when I made them mine.

I pined after love in the hearts of people I knew were emotionally unavailable, because I knew if I chose them and they didn’t choose me, I could pin it on them.

But the reality was, it was me doing this to myself.

So when I met someone new who wasn’t like everyone else, what threw me off was how to even act in a normal relationship? 

It was someone choosing me first. 

It was someone starting every conversation.

It was every text and call saying good morning or good night.

It was talking on the phone sober when all I was used to were fuckboys blowing up my phone at 2 AM.

It was making plans that didn’t fall through and someone keeping their word.

It was me not having to do so much work and someone meeting me halfway.

It was talking to someone throughout my entire day.

It was watching someone become a part of my routine when all I was used to was doing my own thing and not answering to anyway.

It was watching me fall knowing very well this time someone would catch me.

You think that would be met with a sigh of relief, but it was.

I was scared.

Initially, this was met with rejection.

Pushing him away every time he stepped closer.

Why is he acting like this? 

Why is he saying this?

What does he want?

I was used to people always taking and wanting something from me and me trying to give it to them.

Physically or emotionally. Simply trying to be what someone needed always.

But all he wanted from me was my time and attention.


The love I wasn’t sure I could give.

It was holding back tears as he held me close.

It was freezing when he asked, “are you okay?”

It was not being able to speak when he asked, “did I do something wrong?”

No. You’re doing everything right.

More thoughts that ran through my mind was thinking this was weird.

But what I came to realize was, this was normal. 

What was weird, wasn’t being treated the way I deserved but tolerating and accepting when I wasn’t, for so.

Sometimes even the pain we cause ourselves and the pain others cause us, gets replaced with a love so deep and unfamiliar it touches the deepest parts of our core and it’s there we begin to heal.

Pushing Her Away.

“Counting my footsteps, praying the floor won’t fall through, again. And my mother accused me of losing my mind but I swore I was fine. You paint me a blue sky and go back and turn it to rain. And I lived in your chess game. But you changed the rules every day.” -Taylor Swift

It’s never the same story with someone like you. 

Someone like you likes knowing she cares 

Likes knowing she’d do anything for you, regardless of how you treat her.

You get off on the games you play and watching her try a little harder. 

She thinks you’re nice. 

She thinks you like her. 

She thinks all these things, then you pull away and wonder why she thinks that? 

But it isn’t her that’s crazy or delusional. 

She feels a certain way because you’ve led her to believe that there are moments you do.

It’s every false promise you’ve told her. It’s every night you let her stay. It was every time you’ve led her on. Every time you let her fall for you, knowing very well you don’t care enough to catch her.

Then you have the nerve to question why she fell in the first place? 

Like it’s her fault she’s hurt.

The only difference between the two of you is, her feelings don’t change even when yours do. 

She doesn’t need to fuck with you to gain confidence that you care. 

It’s a text here. A like there. A snap chat. 

It’s trying to get her attention just so you know you have it. 

And in the rare chance she doesn’t answer quickly, you blow up her phone more. 

It’s taking and all she does is give without asking for much in return.

You like her but not enough to make her yours. 

You like her only when she’s playing your game. 

You like her. Then you show her. Then you pull away. 

Maybe you care and don’t want to admit it. 

Maybe it’s all about a game for you. 

But people’s feelings aren’t some game.

Everything is according to your agenda. 

Meanwhile, she’s just living her life watching as this pattern of yours exhausts her. 

The thing about someone like her is, she doesn’t need you. She’s choosing you.

She’s choosing someone who doesn’t choose her and eventually she’ll get tired of it.

And I know you think she’s weak for tolerating the way you treat her. 

I know you look down on her. 

But one day she’s going to hit her breaking point.

And once she does, she’s never coming back. 

When that happens, it’ll be her ghost that haunts you. 

It’ll be her love you miss. 

And you’ll look for her in others and she’ll never be found.

The One Who Heals You.

We are always told we need to heal on our own before we go into new relationships.

You can’t love someone until you love yourself is the expression. But what happens when heartbreak makes you question yourself and everything you are? 

What happens when you’ve done everything you’re supposed to and your heart still aches as the one it beats for is absent?

I think sometimes you have to trust love one more time and trust maybe love is the solution to heartbreak.

Stay single until you meet someone who respects the pain you feel.

Someone who understands your heart isn’t whole, but it’s okay.

Stay single until you meet the person who isn’t afraid to put the broken pieces back together.

But isn’t rushing to do so.

The person who walks through the healing process with you.

The one who will understand there might be days you’re still hurting.

And instead of being resentful, you are still thinking of someone in the past, they are there to remind you they are here in the present and want to be in your future.

The one who isn’t trying to fix you, they are simply trying to love you.

Stay single until you meet the person who knows the value of a heart like yours and wouldn’t dare break it.

Stay single until you meet someone who teaches you it’s okay to let go of your pain and mistakes of the past.

That you shouldn’t hold it against yourself.

Stay single until you meet the person who is okay that you don’t have it all together, but they are willing to help you get there.

Stay single until you meet someone who suddenly begins to replace those thoughts in the morning of pain with the fearful happiness of meeting someone new.

The person you watch yourself fall for, even if you’re scared to do so.

Because one side of you says you don’t want to get hurt again and you should run. But the other side says trust love one more time.

Stay single until you meet the person who makes you realize why it didn’t work out with someone else.

The person you look at and think, “thank God I didn’t get it right before.” 

Stay single until you meet the person who replaces that emptiness with a feeling so whole.

Until then, stay single.

Stay single until you meet the person who teaches you real love isn’t something that will hurt.

She Fell For You.

The problem is, you knew exactly how she felt about you from the start. You knew that you couldn’t reciprocate it. But you still let her fall. 

Maybe you thought you were being nice. Maybe there was comfort in having her there but while she was trying so hard to be what you needed, she was falling even harder for you. 

And maybe you didn’t think much of the little things, but it was those things that meant everything to her. 

It was the time you got to spend together, where maybe you thought twice about her and the relationship.

She felt it too and she knows it wasn’t a one-sided feeling. Something like that was too strong to be.

It was eye contact that lasted longer than it should have.

It was a hug or a simple gesture as your arm brushed against her and she felt it from her head to her toes and an electric feeling of something that was there. 

It was looking at her across the room, and she knew you were watching her. 

It was in that moment she mustered the courage to say I love you and seconds felt like hours as her face got red waiting, but then you said it back. 

It was every text you sent her, when you thought of her as you saw something. 

It was every snap chat you sent just to let her know, I’m doing this and thinking of you. 

It was every time she left and you told her you missed her.

It was every time you said every right thing. You knew exactly what you were doing. 

You made her think she had a chance with you. 

It was every song and book you shared, that she replayed or reread because she liked thinking of you. 

It was the likes, tags, and comments that she woke up to smiling, just seeing your name on her screen.

It was every time you posted something, she knew you wanted her to see it, but what she didn’t know was why. 

Because here you were attempting to get her attention when in reality, you had it this whole time. 

But the thing was, you weren’t making any moves or trying.

Instead, you just let her live in this limbo of maybes and what ifs. 

And while you were fumbling through confusion, she was growing more confident in how she felt. 

Maybe you weren’t ready for someone like her. But the world doesn’t ask if you’re ready to meet the right person, they just bring you to them and hope you realize how lucky you are and act accordingly. 

But you didn’t.

So instead of her walking away, she stayed. A stream of questions ran through her mind wondering why she wasn’t good enough for you. Wondering what she could have done more. Fixating upon flaws because obviously, it was her not good enough. 

Then you had the nerve to turn around and make her feel guilty for feeling these things for you. 

Like it was her fault she fell in love with you but in reality, you led her to feel all these things. 

You led someone on who would never hurt you or do the same. 

The worst thing you can do is let someone fall for you and not be there to catch them. 

You can’t simply touch someone’s heart, become so close then wonder why they feel a certain way about you. 

That’s not fair.

That girl loved you. She loved you enough to go along with whatever this thing was that you claim wasn’t anything. She loved you enough to not say anything about how she felt, but quietly try to be what you need. Then she loved you enough to tell you when she thought the time was right, only to be met with rejection and you confused. 

If you’re confused about why she feels this way, imagine how confused she is wondering why you don’t, as she replays in her mind how she misread all those signals.

And now she’ll love you enough to not chase you after you freaked the fuck out about how she felt. 

She loves you enough to let you go because she’s still trying to be selfless here, as she picks up the pieces of her broken heart smiling at you and saying no unkind words as you go.

Because she still loves you. And you don’t see it yet, but the heart that loves when you break theirs is the person you end up missing most.

Someone With Anxiety.

When you have anxiety disorder, the toughest thing I think, are people leaving. It’s never something you adjust to or get used to. It hurts every time. 

But what hurts more than that is, when it hasn’t happened yet and you’re just anticipating it.

And you can see it.

People with anxiety are overly observant when it comes to things. They are programmed to base things on the vibes people give out. Their ability to read nonverbal communication is impeccable. They’ve mastered this skill and have picked up on cues simply because it’s in their nature. They see little things average people can’t. And sometimes things people might not even notice about themselves. People with anxiety have a keen ability to understand others. Because they know a lot of what is said doesn’t come out of someone’s mouth. 

They watch everything so closely.

They’ll notice an eye roll.

They’ll notice if they’ve said something to make you uncomfortable.

They’ll notice the slightest facial expression change.

Or a change in tone.

They look for patterns in people, because people with anxiety like things being the same.

They’ll notice the way you text and how quickly you answer.

They’ll notice the way you talk.

They’ll notice your body language.

They’ll notice your habits on social media. A like. A tag. A share. Then suddenly, the second it stops.

They’ll notice if something changes, even a little.

People with anxiety are always on guard, watching, waiting, listening for everything.

So when it comes to relationships, they can just feel when something big is about to change. They can feel when your connection is different than it was. They can feel you pulling away, even if you haven’t done it yet. They can feel conversations changing. And while part of them wants to cling and hang on, they know the inevitable is letting go. So they try to do it as gracefully as they can.

But it hurts them every time.

Because after someone leaves, they dwell in the past wondering when that shift occurred. And as much as they understand relationships are all a cycle, they still blame themselves for it.

Was it something they said?
Was it something they did?
How can they fix it?
Is it too late?

People with anxiety will never look at someone leaving as a loss to the other person but it’s a loss to them, losing someone they finally got comfortable with.