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Counting On God.

I don’t know you’re planning for me. I don’t know how the next few months will unfold but I’m counting on you to give me the strength and patience I need to get through it.

I don’t know if you will answer my prayers or if you will keep taking me on another ride I wasn’t prepared for.

I don’t know if you will give me a break or another difficult test.

I have been trying to handle everything in the best and wisest way possible. I’ve been trying to connect all the dots and understand the bigger picture and follow the signs you’ve been sending me but I admit that I’m tired.

My brain is tired. My heart is tired. My soul is tired.

I’m tired of the same patterns. I’m tired of the same lessons. I’m tired of the same rollercoaster.

I don’t know what the future holds but I’m ready for things to change. I’m ready for my life to finally start making sense. I’m ready for peace. I’m longing for stability.

I know that either way, I’ll be fine. That either way, I’ll count on you. I know that you will guide me through the hard times like you always do but I guess I’m asking for leeway this time. I’m ready for a miracle to lift all the heaviness and all the burdens.

I’m counting on you this time but in a different way. Counting on your generosity. Counting on your forgiveness. Counting on your magnificent surprises. Counting on your mercy.

I don’t know what the future holds but I want it to be brighter and better than what I had imagined.

I want all those wishes I asked you for. All those impossible dreams I once believed in. I want my life to be this marvelous story in the making.

I don’t know if that’s how you see it too or if that’s what you want for me but I’m counting on you to turn it all around. To bring my wishes closer. To push my pain away.

I don’t know what the future holds but I’m putting my trust in you and I know that you don’t disappoint those who put all their faith in you.

I will never know for sure how things will pan out but I can only hope that your timing is aligning with mine this time. That this is the time for my prayers to be answered and my angels to be released.

I don’t know what the future holds but all I know is that there’s nothing you can’t do. There’s nothing you can’t fix. That you are the only one who can turn everything around in the blink of an eye.

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Grateful.

I’ve spent years berating you, enumerating all the ways you would never be enough — strong enough, intelligent enough, ambitious enough, soft-hearted enough, beautiful enough. But despite my harsh words, I am grateful for all that you are and all that you will become.

I’m grateful for your strength. You worry that you are weak, inherently frail and delicate, but you’ve weathered the harshest storms with grace and poise. You’ve carried yourself through trauma and strife crying and wavering but persisting through each obstacle with an airy smile and a tenacious spirit. You have the impeccable talent of rising from the most heartbreaking defeats as if healing were easy, as if you are no longer in pain, and I’m grateful for your tenacity when you long to fall apart.

I’m grateful for your intelligence. You treat yourself as though you are an impostor, but your magnificent mind reflects your wellspring of potential. You know the world profoundly and deeply, satiating your inquisitive thirst for answers at every turn. You understand others’ deepest plights, forging connections that transcend the mundane and cross the realm of true emotion. You know yourself honestly and authentically, lending your heart to a rare wisdom that showcases your wealth of gifts, and I’m grateful for your ability to forge impenetrable bonds with all who know you.

I’m grateful for your ambition. You strive to reach the stars, letting your latent wellspring of self-belief shine through, even as you doubt your capabilities. You refuse to let the world smother your hopes, steadfastly wearing your dreams like a crown, a prized possession no one can rob from you. You fill your heart with wild dreams, fantasies that readily spill out of your soul as you follow them with your most powerful weapon: action.

I’m grateful for your soft heart. You embrace everyone you come to know, wrapping loved ones in your arms as they cry, accepting every word as friends and strangers alike recount the secrets that haunt them. You dedicate your world, your sparse time, your finite energy, your limited resources to those you love, passionately giving pieces of your soul away, smiling as you provide warmth, love, and support to those who need it most. You feel every emotion deep within your soul, providing a wellspring of empathy for the distraught and disenfranchised, the lost and lonely.

I’m grateful for your beauty. Your radiant smile beams warmth and love, inviting the world into your heart as your lips widen in exuberance. Your melodious laugh floats through the air, catapulting streams of joy everywhere you turn. Your heart is pure and precious, a river of deep love and care for all you meet, and I’m grateful for your tenderness and empathy, a true exemplar of your beautiful soul.

I’ve agonized over your shortcomings, fighting against you with every breath, recounting all the ways you would fail to measure up. But you are an unquellable force in this life, a miraculous beacon of resilience, wisdom, and empathy for all you encounter. You are, and always will be enough, and I’m eternally grateful for the lifetime of love we’ll share from this day on.

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The “Good Girl.”

The Good Girl. That oh-so elusive Good Girl.

The Good Girl is considerate, kind, understanding, a good listener, a go-to friend, a shoulder to cry on, never not has a smile on her face, always follows through with plans, completely selfless, and has no conflict EVER!

And most of all, the “Good Girl” convinces you that everyone is supposed to like you.

Here’s a secret though.

The Good Girl lies. She lies her ass off.

She lies because the hard truth is that you can’t please everybody, no matter how hard you try. If you continue to strive towards this unreachable goal, you will only exhaust and disappoint yourself.

It’s a lesson that didn’t sink in with me for a long time. I used to be so afraid that even having one person not like me, or showing a crack in my perfectly composed armor, made me a horrible person. It made believe I was a failure. For so long, I thought that the only solution to not feel this way would be if I worked towards being the Good Girl 24/7.

Ever since I was young, I’ve felt like I’ve had a Good Girl reputation to live up to. In kindergarten, I was the nice girl. The polite girl. I had full gold stars on the classroom chore wall, for goodness sake!

Here is the earliest memory of my battle with my inner Good Girl: One day in first grade, we had a supply teacher. I guess I was feeling particularly rambunctious that day because I decided to partake in a couple of no-no classroom activities, such as talking to my desk buddy during class, throwing a ball around during free hour, and passing notes in class. Luck was not on my side that day, as the supply teacher caught me doing these forbidden activities. EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.

As a result, at the end of the day, I was handed a note to be given to my parents about my bad behavior. This left my classmates surprised and shocked. “What did SHE do?” one of them asked, exasperated.

I was so embarrassed. I hated this teacher for ruining my Good Girl reputation.

I hung onto my inner Good Girl long into my high school life. It provided me with comfort and familiarity. I was kind and gentle and sweet. That’s just who I was and who I wanted to stay.

It also put me in a box, a box I felt like I had to lock myself into. I desperately wanted to be liked by everybody, so much so that I silenced my own drum and beat to my inner Good Girl, afraid to make a single social mistake. This intense desire comprised my character and deterred me from considering my own thoughts and emotions. This created pent-up emotions in friendships, frustrations in relationships, and discouragement in myself.

This equation didn’t work for long. The pressure to be perfect sent me spiraling daily. I was never happy with where I was with myself — I always thought I had to be more. I couldn’t celebrate how far I had come because it never felt like enough, unless people told me it was enough.

And then, one day, amid the frustrations and breakdowns, I had a clicking moment where I suddenly wondered what I was actually working towards by chasing after the Good Girl. I started to see how following this mindset was really hurting me and not helping me, despite what I had convinced myself for so long.

I realized that listening to myself and making mistakes had a bigger payoff than constantly reaching for fabricated goodness.

I no longer wanted to be angry at myself for not meeting unrealistic expectations. I decided that I wanted more depth to my character than just being the Good Girl.

When this change in my mindset began, I started to find a love and appreciation for everything I really brought to the table.

Don’t get me wrong! I see all of the wonderful qualities the Good Girl strives towards, and I admire and envy those who can be “on” more than they are not – but that is not me.

I strive to be a good person. I learn more about myself every day, and how I can work towards being a more positive and kind woman. I still slip up though, because I’m still figuring her out.

And that’s completely and utterly human.

But what I’ve learned is that if we stay in our Good Girl boxes, we will never change, and we will never discover who we could be or what we are capable of achieving.

Sometimes you need to be selfish and make choices that are good for you. Sometimes it’s okay to take a risk, and maybe even get a note sent home at the end of the day. Sometimes you need to have off days. Sometimes you need to make the choice that disappoints other people in order to make an investment in yourself.

I am kind and gentle and sweet. I am also strong, outspoken, curious, adventurous, clumsy, ridiculous, and human.

I am no longer going to chase the Good Girl. I’m ready to chase myself.

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Can’t Fix What’s Broken.

I liked that he was broken—it feels good to admit that. It feels sad but honest. I liked what was wrong with him because it reflected some of the things I felt about myself. I analyzed him because I thought that I understood. With him, my perception shifted as unusual hopefulness hurled through. His burdens didn’t scare me because his burdens made me feel less alone—but this mirror I could bare. I felt that I could help him, fix him, and, ultimately, save him. If I couldn’t save myself—at least I could save him.

I understood his problems—or at least I thought I did. What felt wrong about him formed a clear and distinct picture, accompanied by a seemingly obvious solution. I dissected his problems while creating an action plan of how I was going to fix it all. I was going to help him in every way I couldn’t help myself.

That was then, but this is now.

It’s important to acknowledge that it will always be much easier to look at someone else rather than to look inward at yourself: naked and vulnerable. It’s even more important to grasp that loving someone does not head ownership—which means he’s not yours to fix. You’re yours to nurture because we belong only to ourselves.

Hope only good things for him, just hope from afar. Stay close only to your progress. No one needs fixing—but everyone needs love. Sometimes we need to love people from a distance—so that they can discover how to love themselves and progress forward. Maybe you couldn’t love him in the supplemental and specific way he needed to be loved—and maybe no one can—or maybe someone else will. What still stands true is that loving someone does not require you to try and fix or change someone. The only person, anyone, can fully help is themselves.

Change only what is within your control and hold your focus there.

He’s his to fix and you’re yours to love.

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The Moment You Lose Respect For Someone.

The moment you lose respect for someone is the moment when everything changes. The moment where you stand there looking at someone you thought you knew well or someone you once admired or someone you once trusted and you still can’t believe that they turned out to be the person they promised you they’re never going to be. You laugh at the irony that on the day you told them about your fears, you were almost certain that they will never bring them to life. You were almost certain that you will never have that problem with them. You were almost certain that they were far away from being someone who could hurt you the way others did.

The moment you lose respect for someone is the moment you blame yourself for seeing the same old patterns that once caused you pain and overlooked them. You saw the same red flags, the same inconsistency, the same excuses and you chose to look past them. You saw it coming but part of you was hoping you’d be wrong, part of you was hoping that it’s just your fears creeping in, part of you was hoping that your doubts were just in your head but part of you also knew that this felt familiar, something you’ve seen before, something you’ve been trying to avoid. Part of you knew that this person is not who they pretended to be. Part of you knew this mask very well and knew what’s behind it even better.

The moment you lose respect for someone is the moment you realize that you’ve run out of chances to give out to those who don’t know how to respect you or treat you right and it’s the moment they realize that you were right when you told them that once the respect is gone, you won’t be able to stay, you won’t be able to lower your standards, you won’t be able to look at them with the same admiration and you won’t be able to give them your heart again. It’s the moment when you realize that even if they were afraid of losing you, you’re not afraid of walking away because you can’t be with someone you don’t respect. You can’t be with someone you trusted with your bullets and they pulled the trigger on you with each one of them.

The moment you lose respect for someone is the moment you realize that sometimes respect is more important than love, that once the respect is gone, the love slowly fades away, the passion evaporates and the spark burns out. The moment you lose respect for someone is the moment you know you can’t get it back because it’s the moment you change the way you see them and once you change the way you see them, everything else changes including you because once you’ve lost respect for someone, you don’t really want them in your life. You’re not the person who’s going to tolerate disrespect just because you love someone. Not anymore.

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Power Of Slow Sex.

SEX. Do I have your attention yet? Ok, sweet.

In our modern day society, it seems that we have been culturally conditioned to believe that the orgasm is purely based around climax: Just like waves, it comes and it goes, it ebbs and it flows. Right? Wrong. Believe it or not, like many good things in life, it doesn’t have to end all at once. The tantalizing fireworks that ignite from within can, in fact be tempered into slow, mindful motion and then applied to in all aspects of your life. The emotions released and the total self-awareness tied to this concept of “orgasm” can actually be utilized to accentuate your creative energy, your state of balance, your relationships, your personal development and of course,your happy vibes. And then came this concept of slow sex.

How I Began to Find My Sexual Self

For YEARS, and yes, unfortunately… I mean more years than I am proud of admitting, I had given up on my ability to be intimate, to feel sexual or even comfortable in my own birthday suit. For a while, I threw in the cards on my efforts to embrace that majestic feminine energy that circulates within our vulnerable physical bodies. Whether in the bedroom or simple day-to-day life, I subconsciously drowned out the senses my body was capable of experiencing. There were moments I even questioned if I was alive “down there.” Maybe TMI? But yeah, totally true.

It wasn’t until I started prioritizing various mindful practices such as yoga, breathwork (i.e. Holotropic breathing) and Vipassana meditation, that I actually began to FEEL in my body… externally, internally and well, everything in between. We’re talking the feelings not only pertaining to sex but also, to our day-to-day existence surrounding the ferris wheel of emotions and activities that so mindlessly structure our days.

Let’s put it this way: imagine the gift of pure chocolate being introduced into your taste palate for the first time. A mind-blowing and utterly transformational experience for your senses. Because I compare most things to food, this is as best as I can relate it to you. Much like chocolate or any other “guilty” pleasure,with the simple gift of presence in your body (whether pertaining to sex or not), you can enhance your overall life experience in more ways than you can imagine. Once you’ve truly experienced it, you will very rarely go back.

What I learned about Slow Sex

One day, a good soul-friend and I got immersed in a conversation about a not-so-typical lunch topic: the orgasm. A topic I would once steer clear of, especially in public. But why? As the conversation progressed, she recommended a book called Slow Sex by Nicole Daedone, founder and CEO of OneTaste and Orgasmic Meditation practitioner. Having been on a continual journey of self-discovery and sexual awakening, It didn’t take much for me to want to know more.

In Slow Sex, we are introduced to the intriguing and totally soul-immersing concept of Orgasmic Meditation or as some refer to it: OM. Orgasm? Meditation? In the same sentence? No way. But, hold your doubtful little horses, because contrary to popular belief, this beautifully constructed practice goes so far beyond the superficial plane that now shapes our existing perspective of sexuality and well, the act of sex in general. Having abandoned the metaphysical, feminine part of my being that embraces my inner sexuality for an extended period of my life, I can confirm that this concept will have you wishing you knew about it sooner. Mhmmm…it’s THAT good.

Daedone structures the book with enrapturing personal and professional perspectives on the art of sex and of course, the orgasm. A book, comprised of narration that so perfectly flows in alignment with our sexual desires, needs, traumas and well… questions. Because, let’s face it: we’ve alllll got questions.

A practice that taught me to focus on the feeling. Not the act. Either with yourself or someone else. Love the process and wholeheartedly embrace the intelligence, the wisdom, the empowerment that this sensory connection imparts onto and into you. In fact, the “climax” should be the least of your worries. Embrace your body; feel in your skin; know your wants and cherish your needs…. and the rest will come.

Our Greatest, Innate Superpower

The orgasm is, for lack of a better description, a total badass. If you don’t think I’m nuts yet (and even if you do) then please… keep reading. Daedone refers to this omnipresent force as the innate compass and highly accessible powerful surge that resides within all of us unique individual human beings- comprised of body, mind, soul and spirit. It is this remarkable entity that has the ability to connect our physical vessel to the metaphysical, higher self and beyond. It can be one of our greatest teachers and trustworthy guides. The desire and balance that we often circumnavigate the ends of the Earth for, can simply be accessed by taking the time to familiarize ourselves with the bodies we were born to inhabit.

So, if I don’t have you convinced yet, just consider the fact that I am telling you, as a girl whose body once induced itself with a sexual anesthetic and having felt entirely detached for a large chunk of my twenties. I’m not saying the transformation comes overnight but, like the most valuable things in life, with a bit of patience, slow persistence and intimate conversation, you will be set sail on an epic voyage into the innately powerful (and sexual) self.

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Stop Abandoning Yourself.

feel called to mention this again. 

For those who read all my posts, know that I keep saying the things that I feel awakening collective still needs to hear it, so receive what makes sense for you now…

Stay in your own integrity and truth and heart.

If you want to exist as love, as abundance, as truth and receive the life that’s waiting for you…

You must confront the parts of you that fear being loved…

Confront where you are out of integrity with yourself.

Until you do, abandonment trauma will keep operating your life, and make you unconsciously sabotage as a way to affirm your fears.

No need to affirm fears and sabotage the good that’s making its way into your life…

You bringing more honey into your life from a place of “already full” matters more than you realize. 

This is being connected, as source and trusting the unfolding. 

Remember when you are the fullest, is almost always when you receive the most! 

Even if the ego believes that by closing your fist and controlling the situation, it can get what it wants—your souls already knows the truth. 

The ego seeks approval, looks outside itself for answers, excludes, self victimizes, threatens and demand as a way to meet its needs.

Your soul, like love, just is. 

Love just exists. 

Your soul knows you are truly infinite yet the mind has zero inner standing, of how much power you hold.

You don’t need to abandon yourself. 

You can give yourself the love you truly need instead of creating drama and separation. 

You are not separate from Divine. You are Divine. 

The connection you crave is source. This is real intimacy inside your own soul that can only be surrendered into.

Where you purely exist, infinitely burning open and free…

Connected within, wildly alive without a plan or agenda. 

Where you “live as light”…

Where you innocently emBODY love and you’re FULL regardless of what’s going on outside you. 

Where you are connected to everything, but attached to nothing. 

This is real love. 

This is non-attachment.

This is where you are truly emBODYing real love.

Existing as Source.

And the more you step into the unknown outside the ego, the more visceral and powerful source and creation can flow through you…

But the more you attach and grasp onto “making meaning” instead of surrendering the ego and going with the flow, the more you’ll get in your own way, undermining the sacred love and wisdom that is asking you to return home to…

Your time is now. 

Making the leap. 

Alignment with truth and love.

Knowing your own energy…

And trusting your unfolding as you keep on! 

Lose the crutches and masks you no longer need.

Get grounded with who you are and what you want. 

Open your soul and unclench your body. 

Your being and presence, is more than enough. 

I was hearing a friend say earlier this week…

“Pretense is a veil over naked truth.”

It’s true.